University of Moncton hockey player Josianne Bisaillon was suspended for an entire year after she punched a female linesman three times in the face.
Great; this totally screws up my Atlantic University Sports women's hockey fantasy league team.

There is no evidence of performance-enhancing drugs in the NHL, Commissioner Gary Bettman told a panel of U.S. congressmen in Washington, D.C. today.
As proof, he rolled some tape of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Archaeologists in Peru have unearthed a 5,500-year old plaza that is the Americas oldest urban site.
Items discovered include pottery, bricks, and a recruiting letter from Joe Paterno.

Wladimir Klitschko took another step Saturday night to unifying the Heavyweight Boredom Title. Klitschko defeated Sultan Ibragimov for the dull WBO belt in 12 rounds that had partisan Russians grumbling and jeering in a Madison Square Garden venue which is not used to seeing incompetent sporting events.
Klitschko, who was defending his sleep-inducing IBF title and also holds the somnabulant IBO title, said he was "happy to get the WBO belt back" before taking a post-bout nap.
Next up for the heavyweight champ: to continue pursuing his dream by capturing the WBA, WBC and REM titles.

Roger Clemens has pulled out of next week's "ESPN The Weekend" festivities at Walt Disney World in Florida.
Athletes still participating include Ricky Williams at Space Mountain, Jose Bautista at Pirates of the Caribbean, and Earl Boykins at It's A Small World.

Canadian Olympic bobsledder Serge Despres has been suspended for 20 months for failing a drug test.
It's believed the drug he was taking was to combat his fear of being wedged into an extremely tight space with three other men wearing very thin skin-tight suits.

Kosovo was officially recognized as the world's newest sovereign nation.
The bad news is Canada just dropped another notch in the world soccer rankings.

The Jason Kidd trade was alive again Sunday night as the Mavericks have put together a new package that reportedly includes retired F Keith Van Horn. If this deal doesn't go through, Dallas may thrown in Roy Tarpley and do a sign-and-trade with the remains of George Mikan.

Indiana basketball head coach Kelvin Sampson is in hot water for making 577 bad phone calls. What is this guy - running for office?

The Pro Bowl, NBA All-Star Weekend and Mitt Romney vs Mike Huckabee on Super Tuesday: February has truly been the month of irrelevance.

Brian McNamee says he kept Roger Clemens's syringes and gauzes in empty beer cans in his apartment for the past seven years. I'm going to remind my mother of this the next time she complains about the tidiness of my place.

A lawyer for a sports marketer who is suing football star Reggie Bush said he and his client walked out of a deposition Tuesday after a bodyguard for Bush's attorney opened his jacket to expose a pistol.
Aren't they all living in the same house? This is gonna make for some awkward breakfast conversation.

Reggie Miller says if the Cleveland Cavaliers don't surround Lebron James with better players he could see him leaving for New York in a couple of years. Uh, Reggie, the Cavs are 29-22 and the Knicks are 15-36. As far as team-building goes, the rest of the NBA makes the Knicks look like Enron.

Two Montreal Canadiens players were arrested outside a Tampa nightclub after one of them reportedly stole a woman's purse. Did the NHLPA lose their per diem in the last CBA?
The woman said she saw defenceman Ryan O'Byrne - who was just recalled from Montreal's minor league affiliate Hamilton Bulldogs earlier that day - holding her purse while using her cell phone at 3am. Who is he calling at 3am? Probably Hamilton, because he appears to be the first person in history to miss Hamilton so badly that he is already doing whatever he can to get back there as soon as possible.

Gary Bettman may be the only person who - when NHL expansion to Hamilton is brought up - wonders if that means Ontario or Bermuda.

Brian McNamee told congressional investigators he injected Roger Clemens' wife Debbie with HGH before the couple posed for a 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition photo shoot. Maybe that's what we've all been missing before our trip to the DMV.

Nevada officials are planning an auto race that will pass by Ely, NV on a stretch of highway called "The Loneliest Road In North America".
I thought that was the hallway to my bedroom.

Vancouver's 2010 Olympic torch run will be the longest in games history. That's because of the budget overruns; they can't afford to get anyone a motel for the night.

World No. 29 tennis player Sonia Mirza has faced opposition from religious groups at home in India for not playing matches in traditional, conservative attire.
Seems like that would put her at an unfair competitive disadvantage unless she was playing against a beekeeper.

No new trees were destroyed for confetti during the Giants ticker-tape parade Tuesday. Instead they used shredded pages of that Patriots "19-0" book.

Portland promoters charged guests a $15 cover for Trailblazers rookie Greg Oden's birthday party - which he didn't attend.
Now you know how Toronto Maple Leafs season ticket holders feel.

The New England Patriots have applied for federal trademarks on "19-0" and "19-0 The Perfect Season". Not to be outdone, the 1972 Miami Dolphins are trademarking "Cranky Old Guys".

Plaxico Burress missed his second straight practice yesterday with swelling and soreness in his knee. Between that and Tom Brady's high ankle sprain, Super Bowl Week has been like Tonya Harding trying out for The Rockettes.