I don't think the Insight Bowl is going to provide much insight into anything.

Ballots are out for NFL Player of the Year.
The '72 Miami Dolphins are voting for Curtis Painter.

The NBA and Washington Wizards are investigating Gilbert Arenas for storing firearms in his locker.
Why doesn't Washington just go back to the Bullets nickname? They're not fooling anyone with this PC stuff.
How often do you read about a player in trouble for casting spells?

Tulsa, Oklahoma is putting together a bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics.
The demonstration sports will be hunting and fishing.

The Pacquiao-Mayweather fight may be in jeopardy after Manny said it's against his superstition to be tested for drugs within 30 days of a bout.
And he said he'd have no further comment until the birth of an albino water buffalo calf.

A missing Quebec teenager may have been seen on tape behind Guy Lafleur in a TV interview.
In a similar story, Martin Havlat was spotted in the background of a Mikko Koivu interview.

The man who sold the gun that killed Steve McNair got 2.5 years in prison and took a hit to his eBay seller approval rating.

USC is investigating Joe McKnight's use of a Land Rover belonging to a local businessman.
What is with Trojan tailbacks and SUVs?
At least Al Cowlings wasn't driving.

The Angels signed Hideki Matsui to a 1-year, $6.5 million deal.
He'll be paid $4 million in cash and the rest in ownership of a movie studio in Chatsworth.

Charles Barkley says Tiger Woods changed his cell phone number the day after his infamous car accident.
Yeah, probably to a 555 number.

The NFL fined Chad Ochocinco $30,000 after he put on a poncho and sombrero when scoring a touchdown.
Maybe he was just celebrating his heritage?
Be thankful he wasn't named Chad Quatre-vingt-cinq; he would have put on a striped sailor shirt and a beret.

An NBA Developmental League team owner in Utah is apologizing to fans after he hired a Michael Jordan look-alike to appear at a game billed to feature an appearance by Jordan himself.
Fans realized he was an imposter after the man thanked everyone he played with, for and against over the years.

The NCAA Basketball Tournament is talking with broadcasters about expanding the field of teams from 64 to 96.
That's going to make for a gripping play-in game.
I'm also worried about the trickle-down effect on other tourneys: "CBI champs" just won't have the same prestigious ring to it.

Florida coach Urban Meyer was treated for dehydration at a hospital after Saturday's loss to Alabama in the SEC Championship Game.
Well, being their first loss of the season, he did miss the Gatorade shower.

The irony gods are relentless: the Chinese zodiac's Year of the Tiger begins the day after Valentine's Day, 2010.

Mark Sanchez injured his leg scrambling for a first down. He's not used to seeing Joe Girardi's "hold up" sign.

1-10 Tampa Bay at 4-7 Carolina has the potential to create the most couch-sleeping this weekend outside of Tiger Woods' house.

President Obama's 30,000 troops to Afghanistan will be the largest manpower deployment since paparazzi to Isleworth.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders lost the CFL's Grey Cup championship game on a too many men on the field flag, and with it, hundreds of dollars in endorsement deals.

Grey Cup final score (28-27) actually resembles normal football game.

The height of irony? At last, Tim Tebow will work on Sundays.

Tiger Woods hit a tree and a fire hydrant?
His driving sounds like my golf game.

An ancient weapon was found at the building site of a new Windsor, Ontario arena.
No, it wasn't a Chris Chelios stick.

Joe Mauer would have been unanimous for the AL MVP, except for Keizo Konishi of Japan's Kyodo News who voted for Miguel Cabrera.
Konishi also voted for Godzilla over Bernie Madoff for worst monster of the year.

LSU lost 25-23 at Ole Miss, exhibiting the worst clock management since Flavor Flav.

L.A. Clippers play-by-play announcer Ralph Lawler was suspended one game by Fox for remarks he made about Memphis center Hamed Haddadi.
Lawler has broadcast over 2,400 Clippers games.
Hasn't he suffered enough?

Prime Minister Stephen Harper visited the Golden Temple, one of India's holiest sites.
Indian President Pratibha Patil plans to make a similar gesture on his return visit to Canada, when he'll visit the Hockey Hall of Fame.

In World Cup qualifying, France's Thierry Henry had the most controversial use of hands since Bud Adams.

Wyoming beat Peru State 120-73 in college basketball.
Was that in Laramie or Lima?

Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for giving Buffalo fans the finger.
It's the first time anyone associated with the 2009 Titans has raised a single digit in the air.

The Pontiac Silverdome sold to a Canadian real estate company for $583,000.
Why so cheap? They have to take the Detroit Lions back as a tenant.

Michelle Wie won her first LPGA Tour tournament.
To put it in perspective, this is like the Segway finally beating a shopping cart in a race.

The Calgary Stampeders Teyo Johnson was stabbed at a KISS concert.
It was believed to be during the song "I Was Made For Loving You", and self-inflicted.

Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for flashing an official a dollar bill during a video review.
This was the worst financial return on the humorous dollar for a video since The Love Guru.

Three freshmen Tennessee Volunteers football players were arrested for armed robbery.
None of them redshirted this season, but they may soon be moving on to their second set of orange shirts.

Eight members of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats have been fined for jumping in a boat near the end zone after scoring a TD against Winnipeg.
When Chad Ochocinco hears about this, his head is going to explode.

World Series MVP Hideki Matsui became a free agent Monday.
Expect a lot of frantic negotiations between Yankees brass and Tri-State Region porn dealers.

The list of MLB free agents looks like the roster of The Bad News Bears without the charm.
It's as if all the most overpaid, overrated, aging players all became eligible at once.
Good luck to any GM searching for Easter eggs in that minefield.

Former MLB-er Victor Zambrano's mother was kidnapped in Venezuela.
The criminals' demands: Magglio Ordonez's aunt and two 2nd cousins to be named later.

Toronto was awarded the 2015 Pan-Am Games over Lima, Peru and Bogota, Columbia.
Sweet revenge after finishing third behind Lima and Bogota to host the 2014 Cocaine Games.

The Knicks and Nets have started the NBA season a combined 1-13.
Prepare a parade down the "Canyon of Zeroes".

Is Sammy Sosa trying to get cast as The Joker in the next Batman movie?

The Yankees organization celebrated their World Series victory by reportedly ordering 200 bottles of champagne in a New York City restaurant.
The sommelier was summoned after Mark Teixeira repeatedly failed to open the bottles with a sword.

The movie The Men Who Stare At Goats opens this weekend.
Finally, a documentary on Bill Buckner and the 1986 World Series.

Adidas has discontinued its deal with Central Florida over Michael Jordan's freshman son Marcus's insistence to wear Nikes.
This is the biggest battle over shoes since The Wizard of Oz.

The Alberta government is investigating why the Calgary Flames received the H1N1 vaccination before at-risk members of the general public.
The mood is reversed in Ontario, where the public is urging authorities to give the Maple Leafs a needle.

L.A. Clippers owner and real estate mogul Donald Sterling is paying a multi-million dollar legal settlement after his company discriminated against renting apartments to Hispanics, blacks and families with children.
Clippers fans wish he would put as much effort into draft preparation as tenant screening.

Michigan is 5-4 and struggling.
Rich Rodriguez is having a longer transition period than Dr. Renee Richards.

Andre Agassi said he lost the 1990 French Open final because he was worried his wig would fall apart.
That's why Howard Cosell "never played the game".

The New York City Marathon famously passes through all 5 boroughs.
Like a tourist in the Big Apple, they both spend as little time as possible on Staten Island.

The NFL should listen up on head injuries: if anyone knows anything about malfunctioning brains it's the U.S. Congress.

Shocking admission from Andre Agassi that caught the public unawares: he has a book coming out.

With each passing game, Native Americans' Supreme Court case that being associated with the Washington Redskins is offensive is mounting.

Where is Danica Patrick in the IndyCar series standings?
Bob Griese says she's out having a Cosmo.

The 0-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are lucky NFL Europe no longer exists.
After their loss at Wembley Stadium they might be facing relegation.

In interviews, Edmonton Oilers G Jeff Deslauriers sounds uncannily like Fred from MacInTalk.

The 0-7-1 Maple Leafs are the biggest flop in Toronto since the Lord of the Rings musical.

Thank goodness B.C. Place Stadium's retractable roof is going to be finished in time for the 2011 Grey Cup.
I can't imagine a big late November football game in Vancouver without sunshine.

Roger Goodell says he's not sure which city the NFL will first have a team competing in: L.A., London or St. Louis?

An ice skating bear attacked two people in the Russian state circus, killing one.
The Anaheim Ducks immediately placed it on their negotiation list.

The Chad Ochocinco iPhone app lets fans track and stay in touch with the Bengals WR.
The Brett Favre app was discontinued after it kept switching service providers.

A court trustee revealed the New York Mets made a profit of $48 million in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme.
Johan Santana must be wondering what's worse: 150 years in prison or 7 years on the Mets?

StubHub sent out an e-mail Monday offering Mets' playoff tickets.
"Be there alongside your New York Mets as they chase baseball immortality."
Apparently, baseball immortality is found on boats and golf courses in Florida.

The postseason umpires have made more wrong calls than the Fort Collins, CO police department.

Only three cities - the fewest in 30 years - are bidding to host the 2018 Winter Olympics.
There are more cities vying to host the next NAMBLA convention.

The New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers meet at Wembley Stadium in London Sunday.
This is the equivalent of Arsenal playing Portsmouth in the U.S.
The NFL UK boss says the Bucs have a "strong fan base" in London.
Oh yeah, if you are wearing Patriots colors instead of the red and pewter in Bucs fan territory in London, trouble's a-brewin'.

The Titans lost 59-0 at New England.
It was the worst performance in snow since the cast of "Snowbeast".

Approximately 5000 fans watched Phoenix host the St. Louis Blues Thursday night.
The Coyotes season ticket list has fewer last names than a Brazilian soccer roster.

Usually objects launched that high into the Colorado air originate from the Coors Field pitching mound.

The Maple Leafs are 0-6 and the Argonauts are 3-11; the Buffalo Bills should fit right in in Toronto.

The Bengals are in first place in the AFC North.
The last time they were on top of something it was the Cincinnati police blotter.

The Chicago Cubs filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection Monday.
Their next celebrity 7th-inning stretch singer will be MC Hammer.

Experts project that the swine flu could cause more lost U.S. worker productivity this winter than any affliction other than March Madness.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist has issued a statement backing embattled FSU coach Bobby Bowden.
It was a highly unusual show of public support, as the governor's office usually only gets involved with significant state events and election results.

Golf and rugby have been voted into the Olympics for 2016.
Bocce and parkour went home empty-handed.

The Pontiac Silverdome is for sale.
Does Jay Leno need a new garage?

Canadian PM Stephen Harper reminded Governor General Michaelle Jean that she is not the country's Head of State, after she twice referred to herself as such in a speech.
Harper's clarification on the "Head of State" was applauded by many - particularly Leafs president Brian Burke, who thought he was.

Southern Indiana has been banned from the NCAA Basketball Tournament for alleged violations.
And my bracket gets busted earlier every year.

San Francisco 49ers draft pick Michael Crabtree finally signed a contract today after threatening to sit out his entire NFL career.

The Yankees have decided the ALDS will begin Wednesday night to maximize their home field advantage.
First pitch is 11:00pm in Bronx Park.

The Tigers Miguel Cabrera was taken to a Detroit police station at 6 a.m. after getting into a drunken fight with his wife over whether or not to activate Adam Everett on their fantasy team.

The New York Islanders are threatening to move.
Not even Hamilton, Ontario is interested.

A new book alleges that an employee at an Arizona cryogenics company swung a monkey wrench to dislodge a tuna can stuck to Ted Williams, but instead missed and accidentally hit the famous slugger's head.
Was D-back 3B Mark Reynolds working at the facility?

Rio de Janeiro is so ready to host the Olympics: the shooting venues are already up.

Brett Favre Viking jerseys have flown off the shelves.
It's the NFL's biggest secondary revenue stream after Flozell Adams.

MLS passes new rule prohibiting use of Friendster during matches.

An Aussie rugby player was arrested for trying to have sex with a parking meter.
He was just trying to do what parking meters have always done to us.

Serena Williams was fined $10,000 for threatening to kill a line judge.
Terrelle Pryor asks: what's the big deal?

The CFL rejected the Alouettes protest of their last-minute loss at the B.C. Lions.
It was the most disappointing road trip for a group of Montrealers since the Men Without Hats reunion tour.

Lou Holtz is the ultimate house-sitter.
He can both talk to the plants and water them at the same time.
When people get home from vacation, the house looks like a Rainforest Cafe.

The Pacman Jones to Winnipeg deal is off after Jones got a look at Manitoba strip clubs.

Pacman Jones signed with the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
That may not be the best environment for him, as locals carry guns for protection against Manitoba mosquitos.

Football is returning to Old Dominion University after 68 years.
No one is relishing the renewal of a rivalry with them more than Penn State coach Joe Paterno, though he still calls them New Dominion.

The NFL is investigating the Dallas Cowboys giant, low-hanging new video screen after punts started reaching it.
They are also worried Jerry Jones's head might hit it.

Gamers can now add Brett Favre and Michael Vick to Madden NFL 10 rosters.
Halo players can download Marvin Harrison.

South African Caster Semenya won gold in the 800-meter at the world track championships, but is being subjected to a gender test.
The last time something like this happened was David Bowie at the 1974 Grammy Awards.

One of the new United Football League teams is the Las Vegas Locomotives.
Right...nothing says "train travel" like Vegas.
The only people riding the rails there these days are real estate developers escaping the construction collapse.
I wonder where those tracks lead to?
Probably a jazz venue in Salt Lake City.

A beer hit the Phils Shane Victorino at Wrigley Field.
Maybe they had Eddie Vedder back and it fell out of the press box.

District 9 opens this weekend; an area full of secrets where things go horribly wrong.
It's set in Louisville, Kentucky.

San Diego Chargers CB Antonio Cromartie was fined for using Twitter to complain about the food at training camp.
Twitter fears another collapse as Charlie Weis and Notre Dame open camp Monday.

The 33rd America's Cup race will be run in February in the southern Persian Gulf.
I hope they can squeeze it in before the pirates report for spring training.

Hawaii football coach Greg McMackin got a 30-day suspension, a cut in salary and will work with LGBT groups after he used an anti-gay slur.
This would never have happened if they hadn't dropped "Rainbows" from their team nickname.

I'm surprised the NY Mets fired Tony Bernazard before President Obama could have him and the Binghampton Mets over for lunch in the White House Rose Garden.

President Obama has invited the Harvard professor and the Cambridge, MA police officer who arrested him in his own home to the White House.
Mark Buehrle must be wondering what he needs to do on a baseball field to get past a phone call.

Manny Ramirez became the first Dodger to homer on his bobblehead night, although Steve Garvey once homered on Father's Day.

The video of the dunk against LeBron was less conclusive than the Zapruder film.

Quentin Richardson's been traded three times this summer.
"Q" is weighing his next sponsor options: Nike, Reebok or U-Haul.

Tattoo artists are breathing a sigh of relief: MMA star Kimo Leopoldo is still alive.

Pedro Martinez was placed on the disabled list after he apparently strained a shoulder signing his one-year contract with the Phillies.

Ex-NBAer Antoine Walker has achieved what was thought to be a mathematical impossibility: for the first time in 10 years, someone owes Planet Hollywood money.

Rumors of a Shaq fight in UFC.
Shaq in the Octagon will last less time than Kobe in the jewelry store.

Home Run Derby winner Prince Fielder was the first player to reach the finals of both that event and Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

You know we're in the post-steroid era when Brandon Inge is in the Home Run Derby.

Florida State is appealing the NCAA's decision to strip Bobby Bowden of wins after 61 athletes allegedly cheated on an online music exam.
The university seeks to allow the students to make up the course credit on Guitar Hero.

10 injured in Friday's Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
Some were Minnesota Timberwolves execs trapped fleeing between the steers and Ricky Rubio's buyout.

Nike officials confiscated tapes from two cameramen who filmed a college player dunking over LeBron James at his Skills Academy.
Where was this summer camp - Tehran?

The Padres experienced a 52-minute bee swarm delay in the top of the 9th when they hosted the Astros.
Unfortunately for San Diego, Petco Park cuts off mead sales after the 6th.

The top lefthanded pitching prospect in the world disappeared from the Cuban national team in Rotterdam.
Cuba's baseball team has the only bullpen car that converts to a boat.

Toronto Argonaut WR Arland Bruce was penalized and fined by the CFL after a bizarre "tribute" to Michael Jackson where he lay down on the field and pretended he was dead.
Didn't his whole team do that all last season?

The L.A. Clippers are giving away a chance at free flights for anyone joining their website.
I wonder how many Clipper players are signing up in hopes of a one-way ticket?

The Suns and Cavaliers made a trade that will see Shaquille O'Neal team with LeBron James.
Isn't that like hitching a trailer to a Ferrari?

192 people who put their names on a waiting list in the 1970s will be able to buy season tickets to the Green Bay Packers this year.
A similar waiting list of people will finally be allowed into Studio 54.

Former Browns QB Bernie Kosar filed for bankruptcy.
What happened to all those economics classes he took as a student-athlete at the University of Miami?

Iran failed to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, so we will be spared their government news agency telling their people they beat Brazil 3-0.

A bankruptcy judge rejected the sale and relocation of the Phoenix Coyotes to Jim Balsillie.
This may be the first time anyone's ever been disappointed at not being able to spend their winter in Hamilton, Ontario instead of Arizona.

The New York Times reported that Sammy Sosa failed a drug test in 2003, but didn't identify the drug.
I think it's safe to say it wasn't truth serum.

Saturday Night at Progressive Field the Cleveland Indians are putting on Shin-Soo Choo '80s Bobblehead Night.
I don't understand the '80s angle, except that was when Dave Winfield beaned a seagull with a throw.

Cubs RF Milton Bradley caught a fly ball with a runner on third for the 2nd out, and then tossed the ball to fans in the bleachers.
If you're scoring along, that's E-9, IQ-10.

Shin-Soo Choo singled off a low-flying seagull in the bottom of the 10th to lead the Indians to victory over the Royals.
It was the most publicized ballplayer hitting a bird since A-Rod was seeing Madonna.

The University of Minnesota may ban booze sales at games this fall, as officials say it sends the wrong message to students.
Profit-making certainly seems out of step with today's business environment.

Fordham University is going to start giving out football scholarships next year.
In related news, Florida State is going to start awarding academic scholarships.

A new group wants an NHL expansion franchise named the Toronto Legacy, and say they envision a 30,000-seat arena where half the tickets are affordable for hockey fans.
That's just what the NHL needs: a team with 15,000 tickets every game that are unaffordable to hockey fans.

Denver Broncos WR Brandon Marshall is free to play in the NFL in 2009 after being cleared from his latest domestic dispute.
Marshall dropped 18 "on-target" passes last year, something he blamed on nerve damage to his arm after he put it through a TV set.
And to think the NFL promoted the "Cavemen" series.

Ohio State lost a postseason game 37-6?!?
This "June-uary" moniker may be gaining in relevance.

Texas beat Boston College 3-2 in 25 innings in the longest game in NCAA history.
Or as Bud Selig likes to call it: 2 ties.

The game finished in 7 hours and 3 minutes.
Mike Hargrove couldn't believe how long it took.

Jose Canseco's MMA debut lasted 77 seconds, or about as long as Mr. T's singing career.

The title of Sam Raimi's new movie is "Drag Me To Hell", which sounds like the Iditarod finishing at a Carlos Mencia concert.

Mr. T made Cubs fans' ears experience something their hearts do: pain.

Terminator Salvation had a disappointing weekend at the box office after poor word of mouth.
Joel Quenneville called it the worst movie in the history of cinema.

Notre Dame is interested in playing a football game at new Yankee Stadium.
If it goes ahead, it will be an intriguing combination of a rich, conservative institution whose glory years are fading into memory, and one of college football's legendary programs.

Former NFL QB Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a Texas grand jury on drug and burglary charges.
The Amarillo Globe-News reports that Leaf has been undergoing drug rehabilitation in British Columbia.
That's like moving to Las Vegas to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

First the NBA vs WWE; now Game 4 of the Penguins-Hurricanes series at Raleigh's RBC Center is double-booked against a Charlie Daniels Band concert.

The WWE's Monday Night Raw is scheduled for Denver's Pepsi Center Monday night at the same time as the Nuggets are slated to host the L.A. Lakers.
Too bad Gary Bettman isn't running their playoffs: they could hold the events concurrently.

L.A. Angels starter John Lackey was ejected after just two pitches.
Sounds like Dane Cook's last visit to a studio lot.

Detroit police say a woman was hit by a chair thrown by Anaheim GM Bob Murray after the Ducks lost Game 7 to the Red Wings.
Murray and Chris Pronger are more likely to get on Jerry Springer before ESPN.

The President of the Philippines declared boxer Manny Pacquiao a "special envoy of peace".
The President of the Dominican Republic calls Manny Ramirez a special envoy of bald men who don't use women's fertility drugs to mask performance-enhancers.

A Yanni concert at the Penguins arena Tuesday forced Games 4 and 5 to be held back-to-back Friday and Saturday night in Pittsburgh and Washington.
Yanni will open the show by raising Jaromir Jagr's mullet to the rafters.

The Minnesota Vikings have reportedly been sent X-rays of Brett Favre's injured right shoulder and bruised ego.

Former Nebraska Cornhuskers QB Sam Keller is suing EA Sports and the NCAA, saying the videogame maker wrongly uses the likenesses of athletes.
Can a Cincinnati Bengals class-action against Grand Theft Auto be far behind?

Reports are Brett Favre is planning a comeback to get "revenge" on the Packers.
Easton (PA) and Phillipsburg (NJ) high schools' 1993 football teams think it's time he gave it a rest.

Rio de Janeiro hopes to host the 2016 Summer Olympics.
If selected, their mascot will be a giant, animated herpes sore.

Despite Gary Bettman's attempts to sell the NHL in the deep south, secessionist Georgia gubernatorial candidate Neal Horsley has been ordered to stay at least 100 meters away from the Red Wings Johan Franzen.

All pro soccer games in Mexico this weekend will be played without fans in the stadia.
Good precaution: the Florida Marlins have never had an infectious disease outbreak in Dolphins Stadium.

The Swine Flu scare has gotten so bad, Mike Vick has taken to calling himself Ron Honduras.

Its become clear that the main feature of the Oakland Raiders draft war room is a dartboard.

NFL commish Roger Goodell dismissed reports the NFL has held "substantive talks" with London to host a Super Bowl.
Good; for a moment I thought they'd hired Gary Bettman as a consultant.

14 of the record 20 home runs hit in the first four games at new Yankee Stadium have been to right field, raising concerns there may be a wind tunnel.
Old Yankee Stadium, of course, also had a wind tunnel: emanating from George Steinbrenner's office.

USC coach Pete Carroll is writing a book.
The working title is: "Can You Believe I'm 18 Years Older Than Angel Cabrera?"

The last living Titanic survivor is auctioning off mementos from the era, including a canvas mail sack she may have been lifted into a lifeboat in, letters from the estate of a fellow survivor, and a Joe Paterno rookie card.

In winning the #1 pick in the NHL Draft, the New York Islanders will now start entertaining offers from Brian Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs, who covet John Tavares worse than Freddie Prinze, Jr. wants another Scooby Doo movie.

A concrete viewing platform has collapsed before a NASCAR event at Ohio's Columbus Motor Speedway.
Paleolithic experts are racing to examine the scene.

RECLUSIVE ACTOR EMERGES FROM HIDING FOR RARE SCREEN APPEARANCE

Hollywood (VLM) - Film buffs across North America today are buzzing with anticipation over the opening of "Observe and Report", which features a large role for one of Hollywood's most elusive stars, the notoriously camera-shy Seth Rogen.

"You never know what you're going to get with Seth," said fan Jay Walker, of Chatsworth, CA. "He has such a chameleon-like persona. One movie he's a bemused slacker; a few years later he re-emerges as a sardonic pothead."

Often considered the J.D. Salinger of celluloid, Rogen has been little seen in recent years. His last public appearance is believed to have been in Dallas in 2006, where he was Grand Marshall of the annual Support For The War On Drugs Parade.

Paparazzi trying to take photos at Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's second wedding last weekend say they had their car windshields shot out by her bodyguards.
Seems a little hypocritical given her husband's team's history with illicit videography.

In allowing 13 baserunners and six runs in 4.1 innings, along with zero strikeouts, C.C. Sabathia had the worst New York debut since Carrie: The Musical.

A U.S. bankruptcy judge said Michael Vick needs to make $7.5 to 8 million per over the next three years to break even financially.
That's about as likely to happen as him winning The Iditarod.

The Sacramento Kings retired Vlade Divac's #21.
The jersey will lie on the floor of Arco Arena.

The Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals will meet August 13th in an exhibition rematch of their Super Bowl clash.
Scheduled to perform on the halftime show are John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band.

Gary Bettman is adamantly opposed to NHL player participation in any Winter Olympics after Vancouver, beginning with Sochi, Russia in 2014.
No doubt Bettman would change his tune if Lake Tahoe, Las Vegas or Puerto Rico were awarded a future games.

The date for the 2010 Oscars is moving forward two weeks to avoid clashing with the closing ceremony of Vancouver's Winter Olympics.
Prime time television can only handle one cheesy, melodramatic extravaganza per night.

20-year-old Pittsburgh Pirates OF prospect Jose Tabata's 43-year-old wife has been charged with abducting a 2-month-old baby from a Florida couple.
Does that make her a cradle-robber?

In the Women's NCAA Tournament, #9 seed Michigan State beat #1 seed Duke in East Lansing, MI in the Berkeley regional.
Is it any wonder American college students have a weak grasp of geography?

The new Women's Professional Soccer league launching Sunday announced it will allow select players to send out Twitter updates during games.
It's expected some of these accounts will have tens of "followers".

Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis announced he plans to stay on the field for games this fall.
The impact on press box caterers will deal another harsh blow to the northern Indiana economy.

The Washington Capitals Alex Ovechkin celebrated his 50th goal by putting his stick on the ice and then mimed warming his hands over it.
Some observers called it hot-dogging; when Alex was a toddler in the Soviet Union it was called central heating.

President Barack Obama, for some reason guesting on Jay Leno Thursday night (what - was Octomom unavailable?), referred to his recent bowling score of 129 as "like Special Olympics or something".
Can't we finally stop referencing the Bush administration?

Lazy headline editors across the country were devastated by Butler's opening-round NCAA loss.

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, reacting to being left out of President Obama's Final Four picks, said "the economy is something he should focus on".
Uh, Coach K, it's the day before the tournament starts; shouldn't you be focused on something other than whining about celebrity bracket picks?

How long is the World Baseball Classic going on for?
This thing makes Wagner's Ring Cycle feel like a 3-minute music video.

The NHL announced it's moving its 2009 Awards show from Toronto to Las Vegas.
The featured performers will be Siegfried & Patrick Roy.

A Cuban has defected to the U.S. at the World Baseball Classic.
Instead of a player, it was a TV technician.
He said he needed to fulfill his dream of working in color.

A big Arsenal fan friend of mine explained how Osama bin Laden could attend matches in the '90s without being attacked or arrested: "People were too busy beating up Spurs fans to worry about turning on one of their own".

Iran announced it will send its first female skier to compete in Vancouver at the Winter Olympics, stating she will compete wearing "full Islamic dress".
That didn't work out very well in Beijing for their women's swim team.

Isiah Thomas says he is doing OK and helping the New York Knicks prepare for the draft.
This is like Dick Cheney helping with gun control.

Team U.S.A. was embarrassed at the World Baseball Classic when their game against Puerto Rico was stopped with the Americans down 10 runs in the 7th inning, invoking the Little League-style "mercy rule".
The Puerto Ricans then celebrated by having their manager take them out for pizza and ice cream at Chuck E. Cheese's.

The Oakland Raiders sent a scathing letter to Tennessee about their ex-coach Lane Kiffin, alleging he may at some point have actively supplied information about the team to its opponents.
Do the Raiders know that preseason loss last year was to the Titans and not the Volunteers?

The general manager of Vancouver's 2010 Winter Olympic games has announced he is retiring this spring.
Hey - whatever happened to the captain going down with his ship?

The Toronto Maple Leafs have inked a deal to have their playoff games broadcast on the new Obituary Channel.

Jacksonville Jaguars WR Matt Jones is off to jail after violating terms of the plea deal in his drug case by drinking a couple of beers while playing golf with his buddies last week.
Of course, a recovering drug user should never be golfing in the first place: the windmill is bound to remind him of Amsterdam.

A-Rod's out til May? Oh, no - he's gonna miss his best month of the year.

Terrell Owens should fit in in Buffalo like Jimmy Fallon has slid into the Late Nite chair.

Terrell Owens' agent says to expect a deal within a week.
It's unclear if he means signing with an NFL team or an endorsement agreement with Sharpie pens.

Bad Timing Award: Just what the global economy didn't need: everyone on the planet taking two and a half weeks off to watch the World Baseball Classic.

Miami beat Phoenix 135-129.
The Big Ten wants to know if this was over 2 games or 3?

The Dallas Cowboys have released Terrell Owens less than 9 months after he signed a lucrative 4-year contract.
Can't wait to see he and Jerry Jones' pre-nups.

The Dakar Rally announced it will again hold its race in Chile and Argentina in January, 2010, despite the economy and the death of a driver in this year's event.
Organizers will now require all drivers to have raced in a World Rally competition, one Dakar Rally in the past three years, and have a 100% completion rate in Gran Turismo.

Who will return to Hawaii first: the Pro Bowl or Notre Dame?

The U.S. won its first world bobsled title in 50 years.
Sliding downhill on a wild ride would be a good metaphor for the economy, except the sledders found a bottom and there was gold there.

The Kansas City Royals set a record by signing the most generic-sounding baseball player ever - Juan Cruz - to a 2-year contract.
This after they passed on going after Drew Anderson, Matt Smith or Brandon Jones.

Stephon Marbury has agreed to a contract buyout with the New York Knicks.
Under terms of the agreement, the Knicks will pay him $2 per tattoo.

Unlikely but true NBA headline: "Boozer returns to Utah".

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman says the All-Star Game will be coming to North Carolina.
Excellent. I look forward to seeing whittlin' added to the SuperSkills competition.

Lou Holtz will coach a Notre Dame alumni squad against Japan's national football team July 25 at Tokyo Dome.
And you thought Japan was already one of the rainiest countries - wait til they experience a Holth preth conferenth.

The Atlanta Falcons are shopping around Michael Vick, due to be released in five months.
So far they've only heard from Al Davis and Cruella de Vil.

Chicago, Madrid, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro and Shreveport submit bids for 2016 Olympic Games.

Interesting that so many national media who blasted Brett Favre failed to notice that the team (Green Bay) who let him go last year went from 13-3 to 6-10, and the team (NY Jets) that picked him up this year went from 4-12 to 9-7.

Eastern Washington was hit with heavy sanctions by the NCAA Wednesday.
Shock waves went through college football as if The Pink Panther 2 had been banned from the Oscar ceremonies.

Louisiana may be short on subsidy payments it makes to help keep the Saints in New Orleans.
Where would they relocate to?
Considering the Jazz wound up in Salt Lake City, the Saints are a good bet for Las Vegas.

Alex Rodriguez has also tested positive for catnip.

A 60-year-old Calgary woman has given birth to twin boys after trying to conceive for 40 years.
Debate is raging across Canada over the ethics of bringing two more Flames fans into the world.

They say marijuana is a gateway drug.
I guess Kellogg was worried about Michael Phelps getting into frosted flakes.

In the wake of the Shrine Game and Senior Bowl: when are the East and South meeting to decide this thing?

Two men were arrested in Arizona for searing pro-Cardinals slogans onto Eagle Donovan McNabb's lawn.
Upon hearing of burning grass, the yard was descended upon by Phoenix police officers and several members of the Suns.

Pacman Jones is being sued by his former attorney who claims Jones owes him money from 18 cases in which he represented either family or friends of Jones on charges ranging from speeding to kidnapping to murder.
Looking to lighten his caseload work, the lawyer is now switching to representing a major organized crime family.

ESPN Radio on Jay McGwire's book proposal on his brother Mark: "More evidence is emerging that Mark McGwire may have used performance-enhancing drugs during his career."
Right. This is a developing story like more evidence is emerging that Meryl Streep can act.

The Washington Huskies may have committed a secondary NCAA violation by "simulating a game-day experience" in their recruitment of Desmond Trufant.
Big deal; didn't the Huskies do that at every game this season?

Departing Chicago Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood took out a full-page announcement in local papers thanking fans for their support.
Younger Cubs fans can't recall the last time this happened: someone buying a full-page ad in the Tribune.

Good news for fans of Stanley Park's famed hollow tree: it may be preserved forever.
It's the 2nd most popular spot in Vancouver for visitors to have their picture taken, after the Canucks goal crease.

An Ontario man has been sentenced to six months of house arrest followed by three years probation for bilking unsuspecting members of the public out of money by posing as an NHL player and charging for appearances.
And yet, the Ottawa Senators skate free.

A Wired.com headline states "Bulls Cloned From Decade-Old Frozen Testicles".
This is the most excited Chicago basketball fans have been in ages.

79-year-old Bobby Bowden will be back for a 34th season as head coach at Florida State, he announced to the press Friday via a test message.
Or as they call that in State College, Pennsylvania, "Grad Assistant".

Cleveland's LeBron James was called for a travel when driving for a potential game-tying basket in the Cavaliers narrow loss to the Washington Wizards, but he claims it was a "crab dribble".
Sounds like it's time for a bib or a special shampoo.

Bills safety Ko Simpson was arrested after refusing to leave a rowdy scene outside a bar.
"I'm Ko Simpson with the Buffalo Bills," he allegedly yelled at police officers. "I am worth millions!"
Simpson is in his 3rd year and made $445,000 this season.
Hmm...there's either something wrong with his math or he must have had a helluva year picking stocks in a bear market.

The NFL announced it is shifting next year's Pro Bowl to Miami the week before the Super Bowl.
It's all part of the league's new program to keep its players out of late-night trouble.
Other sites considered for the game were Las Vegas on Halloween and Gaza at the end of Ramadan.

The Alabama attorney general is investigating alleged contact between a Crimson Tide football player and a textbook.