Federal election Monday: rare this past week to see a ballot without a Vancouver Canuck on it.

NHL playoff ratings are up all over the continent, except in Arizona where they lagged behind The Paul Reiser Show.

Some NFL players picked up side gigs during the work stoppage.
Ben Roethlisberger got an acting role.
He's starring in the upcoming movie Hobo In The Shotgun.

The NFL players are technically allowed back into team facilities Tuesday morning.
Sebastian Janikowski is camping out in line so he's the first one into the Raiders' fitness center.

A NFLPA spokesman said if the players could have written a first legal response to the lockout, that's exactly the one they would have done, though "it might not have been 89 pages".
Yeah, most of them didn't read 89 pages total in college.

U.S. District Judge Susan Richard Nelson ordered an end to the NFL lockout.
Of course she did; women across the country are horrified by the idea of their husbands wanting to spend time together on Sundays.

BYU forward Brandon Davies expects to rejoin the basketball team this fall after missing his team's NCAA tourney run by breaking the school's honor code through premarital sex.
Davies issued a statement saying he is looking forward to continuing his BYU education, playing basketball, and having more premarital sex.

The Cubs were angry after the Dodgers A.J. Ellis missed a sign and tried to steal a base up 8-1 in the top of the 5th.
Wow - I didn't realize no MLB team has ever come back from 7 runs down in the 5th inning.

Brandon Marshall's 1st wedding anniversary is coming up.
Gift suggestion: Nerf cutlery.

A robot failed at throwing out the first pitch of an MLB game, one-bouncing it to the plate.
The Mets signed him to a multi-year contract.

The NHL announced a new 10 year deal.
It will continue to be wildly inconsistent on its suspension rulings through 2021.

The Chicago Blackhawks top players are logging more ice time than Walt Disney.

Joe Paterno says he won't name a starting QB until the fall.
Won't or can't?

The Bruins Zdeno Charo missed game 2 against the Canadiens after he was hospitalized with dehydration.
Apparently, he needs to keep drinking his Haterade.

Word is Mike Tyson almost fought Brad Pitt in '89 when Pitt was dating Tyson's ex-wife Robin Givens.
How did this story even get out - doesn't it break the first rule of Fight Club?

Boston Pizza has temporarily changed the name of its 26 Montreal-area restaurants to "Montreal Pizza".
The company has an unusual guarantee.
If you don't get your order within 30 minutes, Zdeno Chara tries to decapitate the delivery guy.

The NBA fined Kobe Bryant $100,000 for "offensive and inexcusable" comments he made during Tuesday's game.
He said Luke Walton was a good player.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban wants to ban people not serving "company interests" from the locker room after games.
Is Caron Butler back hanging around?

Canada moved its leaders debate a day to avoid conflicting with the Bruins-Canadiens series.
The Green Party's Elizabeth May will spend the debate in the quiet room.

New Jersey Nets co-owner Jay-Z was fined $50,000 for visiting the Kentucky Wildcats locker room after their big NCAA tourney win over North Carolina.
That may sound like a lot, but we still don't know how much John Calipari's cover charge to get into the room was.

Manny Ramirez retired rather than face a 100-game suspension after his drug test came back labeled "Cheech & Chong".

During a traffic stop, Allen Iverson asked police: "Do you know who I am?"
Yeah, you're that guy who averaged 9 points a game for Besiktas Cola Turka.

Man United's Wayne Rooney was suspended for two matches when he swore into a Sky TV camera after scoring a goal.
The good news is Quentin Tarantino has cast him in his next film.

South Carolina suspended QB Stephen Garcia for the fifth time.
Apparently, they are using the SEC's "Six Strikes" policy.

LeBron James bought a co-ownership stake in Liverpool FC and has scheduled a TV special to announce which southern European beach city he will move them to.

Donald Trump will drive the pace car at next month's Indianapolis 500.
His hair will be tested for asbestos.

Butler's plane home to Indy missed the runway but everyone's okay.

Apollo 13 and Butler on long-range trajectories: "Houston, we've had a problem."

Worse job Monday: Charlie Sheen's PR manager or "One Shining Moment" editor?

The only thing proving tougher to move than the Phoenix Coyotes are Charlie Sheen tickets.

Wildlife biologists say the Victoria Azarenka-Maria Sharapova shriekfest in the Sony Ericsson Open final disrupted Key Biscayne bird habitats.

Bigger early April bomb in Detroit: the Tigers starting pitching or Charlie Sheen's live show?

Alabama will unveil a statue of Nick Saban.
Emil Faber wants to know what the plaque inscription will say: "Knowledge Is Bad"?

After hearing about a draft evaluation that said he has a "fake smile...enormous ego with a sense of entitlement...comes off as very scripted...(and) always knows where the cameras are and plays to them", Cam Newton has decided to launch a political career.

The Ohio State Buckeyes will be wearing camouflage helmets for their Spring Game.
I guess that's so NCAA investigators can't find them.