MMA Weekly reports record-low ratings for The Ultimate Fighter and other UFC-related programming.
I guess what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas.

The Michigan State- TCU Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl was so lame, Nickelback turned down the halftime show.

Arizona State is fighting, but Navy appears to be on a hunger strike.

It's snowing in Yankee Stadium during the Pinstripe Bowl.
That's the most white powder inside a New York ballpark since the '80s Mets.

The Grandaddy of Them All: Rose Bowl or Shawn Kemp?

The Maaco Bowl Parade in Las Vegas was amazing.
All the floats are made of losing gambling tickets.

Fresno State and SMU are playing in the Hawaii Bowl on Christmas Eve.
As part of the festivities, the Hawaii Rainbows will take the field at the end of the game and brawl with both teams.

Suzy Favor-Hamilton, the Big Ten's Athlete of the Decade for the 1990s, was working as an escort in Las Vegas.
Well, the conference has been trying to expand its geographical heelprint.

Kudos to David Steele, who has done TV or radio NBA play-by-play for Orlando since their inception in 1989.
He's attended more magic shows than Suzy Favor-Hamilton.

That video of an eagle attacking a toddler that had the Internet ablaze on Wednesday?
The CBC reported a Montreal 3D school created both the eagle and the kid in animation and added it to the video after.
It's the same 3D school that animates Gary Bettman for his public appearances.
In reality, Bettman never leaves his submarine lair anchored off the Atlantic coast.

Has Tim Tebow sold the most jerseys of any 3rd-string QB in NFL history?
What can he do for an encore? I don't know, but he just got a Christmas card from CFL licensing.

The Detroit Lions have lost 6 straight, and top NFL Draft prospects are getting nervous.
"May the Schwartz be with you" is a phrase no one wants to hear outside of Spaceballs.

#Linsanity returned to Madison Square Garden Monday as the Rockets crushed the Knicks.
Kate Upton attended - she combined with Jeremy Lin for 3 Sports Illustrated covers between them last February.
That's 3 more covers than Raymond Felton and Jason Kidd will get this February.

Worries about the Holiday Bowl (UCLA-Baylor) in San Diego on Dec.27, as they say UCLA fans don't travel well.
True - and that's just Westwood to Pasadena.

A Maple Ridge, BC company has developed a cloak clothing technology that makes the wearer invisible.
Finally, the perfect Canucks third jersey.

Are we going to see a Dodgers-Angels World Series?
The Freeway Series: it would take longer for the teams to get from ballpark-to-ballpark than if an LA team was playing the Yankees or Red Sox.

Can anyone name what teams are in the Big East?
It's like trying to figure out who is in the band Chicago.
Their commissioner is Hermann Rorschach.

Reports say RG3 was on field at practice but "a bit gimpy".
So if Shanahan wants to put him in in the 4th Q, does he yell "Get the gimp!"?

ESPN says it's cutting back on its Tebow coverage.
First move: cancelling development of the sitcom According To Tim.

It's ironic that Bobby Petrino wound up at a basketball school like Western Kentucky, since he's clearly on the rebound.

The LA Dodgers front office isn't going to have any money left for Secret Santa.

I'm not saying Jerry Jones is losing it, but he's trying to set up a consolation match at Cowboys Stadium between Manny Pacquiao and Manti Te'o.

It's ironic that the NHL has an elf running its show, since the lockout talks are dragging on longer than the ending of The Lord Of The Rings.

Andre Dawson said Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens don't belong in the Hall of Fame.
After making the statement to reporters, Kerry Wood returned Dawson to his lair in Wrigley Field's ivy-covered outfield wall.
Dawson is turning into baseball's version of Punxsutawney Phil.

The Arizona Cardinals levied a hefty fine on Darnell Dockett after he refused to carry out a called play.
Hasn't the Jets' Mark Sanchez been doing that most of the season?

A Christmas market Santa in Toronto was fired after he made fun of a 3-year-old's Maple Leafs toque and told him they suck.
Well, now we know what the Senators Chris Neil has been doing for work during the lockout.

They're saying the Knicks made a statement in Miami by beating the Heat by 20 points without Carmelo Anthony, and the statement is: this is like Forrest Gump leading the NFL in rushing.
You never know what you're gonna get, but it's doomed to come crashing down.

Progress is speeding up for the NHL as the commish is overdue to report for duty at Santaland on Macy's 8th floor.

Boise State's Chris Petersen is rumoured to be in Madison interviewing to be Wisconsin's next head coach.
He is insisting they paint the turf red.

Robin Yount shot Dale Sveum while quail hunting.
That's about four months earlier than a Cubs manager is usually wounded.

The IOC banned India from the Olympics for the next two years, due to "government interference in its election process".
Their goes India's 2014 Winter Games slogan, "Own The Ice".
Also, cricket will no longer be a demonstration sport in Sochi.

The Washington Wizards are the team that should change their name to Pelicans, 'cause they've clearly bitten off more than they can chew.

If you're a Miami ticket holder, aren't you happy the Spurs didn't play some of their best players?
If they had, the Heat would have lost.
Priorities, people.

The San Antonio Spurs are in trouble with the NBA after they sent Manu Ginobili home to flop in Texas.

The Yankees are re-signing Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera.
They - and their accountant - are going to party like it's 1999.

Bizarre fact dept.: the Philadelphia Phillies have won a game more recently than the Eagles.
The Washington Capitals have won a game more recently than the Wizards.

Vegas saying Notre Dame would be underdogs to 6 SEC teams.
Reno saying Notre Dame would be welcome at early bird buffets before 6.

Two Seattle Seahawks cornerbacks face suspension for using the drug Adderall.
Of course they used it - it's a mood enhancer.
Have you seen the Pacific Northwest weather at this time of year?

The Powerball lottery is now at a record $425 million.
The Yankees are thinking of out-bidding it.

The Toronto Argonauts victory parade is slated for Tuesday, after which the team will be presented the key to Scarborough.

Saturday, December 1: Nicholls State (1-9) at Oregon State (8-3).
Call it The Uncivil War.

The NHL has cancelled the 2013 All-Star Weekend in Columbus.
Those pops you heard were the sound of hockey reporters around North America uncorking Champagne bottles.
Late January in central Ohio is the sports media's equivalent of a Siberian Gulag.

I am skeptical about this new O.J. documentary that claims a serial killer killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.
What do we really know about the producer, "P.J. Plimpton"?

An Ontario billboard for an anti-prostitution campaign misdirected people to a pornography website.
That province has had similar problems before, including a NHL Playoffs billboard that sent people to the Maple Leafs site.

Hamas and Israel came to an agreement before Bettman and Fehr.

Jack Taylor has jumped up on the Charlotte Bobcats draft board.

Roller coaster week for the Montreal Alouettes: they lost the East Final but then joined the Big Ten Conference.

A Toronto hockey fan paid $5300 for the team's dressing room toilet from the old Maple Leaf Gardens.
Its been so long since they've seen it, he probably thought it was the Stanley Cup.

Rutgers and Maryland mark the Big Ten's first expansion into disaster zones since Ohio.

Irony: the Steelers are dressed like inmates and Ben Roethlisberger is not playing.

Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez is trying to line up Wii U for a future out-of-conference schedule.

Bud Selig's taking so long to review the Jays-Marlins trade, they are going to turn the decision over to Florida election officials.

You are really unprepared if you haven't bought gloves in Calgary by mid-November.
Forget a suspension - he's lucky he's not on the disabled list with frostbite.

Calgary Stampeders coach John Huffnagel told his players not to tweet until the playoffs are over.
Now Nik Lewis won't shut up during Halo.

Massive trade between the Marlins and Blue Jays.
Miami owner Jeffrey Loria wanted to throw in Fort Lauderdale, but Ontarians have already taken that over.

Gary Bettman just voted the Miami Marlins MLB Executives of the Year.

The LA Lakers hired Mike D'Antoni as their new coach after Phil Jackson missed their phone call because he and Siri were meditating together.

Jacksonville is 1-8 and averaging 14 points a game.
Their offence is about as expertly-directed as a Jack Link's Beef Jerky Sasquatch commercial.

Both college basketball games on aircraft carriers Friday night were cancelled due to moisture on the court.
Those aren't aircraft carriers - they're submarines!

College basketball season opened with Connecticut upsetting Michigan State at an Air Force base in Germany.
I was surprised to see the winner of that game got a trophy.
Kuwait.
Kind of a land grant.

I keep hearing baseball's new drug problem is fast-actin' synthetic testosterone.
Don't worry; they won't be in business long once the Tinactin people hear their marketing slogan.

USC fired a student manager who under-inflated footballs in an attempt to make them easier to grip and throw.
You're playing Oregon and scheming ways to make the game more offensive? Good strategy.
Next time the Ducks come to town, move the game to the La Brea Tar Pits.

The LA Lakers fired coach Mike Brown after he received the Kobe Bryant death stare.
Kobe recently also glared at Mitt Romney and the producers of Cloud Atlas.

Tour de France winner Bradley Wiggins was released from hospital after a van knocked him off his bike during a training ride.
Must have felt uncomfortable around all those syringes and blood bags.

The Lakers have started 1-4 after shooting under 34% against the Jazz.
They currently have less range than a plant mister.

Washington and Colorado voted to legalize marijuana.
Half the NBA has since requested a trade to the Nuggets.

Controversy in Washington, DC on the eve of the election, as Mike Shanahan said both the Democrats and Republicans should reevaluate and focus on 2016.

Major bigfoot sighting on video from Utah's Provo Canyon forest.
On the scene investigating are a local reporter, cryptozoologists, and a BYU assistant coach.

Great job with Kansas State by Bill Snyder, who looks like Santa's accountant.

What's with all the empty seats at Nascar, or do the students arrive late and leave early?

A school board member wants to ban high school football in New Hampshire.
This will come as crushing news to college recruiting coordinators everywhere.
"Don't cut off that talent pipeline!"

The NHL cancelled the Winter Classic.
It's a complex series of actions to do that.
Gary Bettman's first phone call was to his travel agent, changing his New Year's plans from Detroit to Aruba.

The LA Lakers were 0-8 in the exhibition season and have started off 0-2.
Princeton University says the bad publicity is killing their recruiting.
Please, tell people you're running the Penn Offense.

The Kansas City Chiefs haven't led during any game they've played this season.
It's like my mother playing Halo.

Did you see where the Steelers are going to fly into New York on game day to play the Giants?
Apparently, they are declaring Byron Leftwich as carry-on baggage.

The postponed Knicks-Nets game has been rescheduled for Thanksgiving weekend.
I think if the Pilgrims had to watch the Knicks and Nets play, they would have turned around and gone back to England.

Barack Obama sent me a direct message through Twitter on Thursday.
"Who should I activate on my fantasy team for Heat-Knicks Friday night?"

The World Series ratings were so low, they made Bristol Palin: Life's A Tripp look like Cheers.

LOL at the Jets Antonio Cromartie trash-talking the Dolphins Reggie Bush Sunday.
Cromartie, who has 53 kids from 74 different women, called Bush "a punk".

Manhattan hasn't seen that much change in air pressure since the last John Tortorella press conference.

Hurricane Sandy is generating the most wind in New York since the Yankee batters against the Tigers.

Ex-LSU star DB Tyrann Mathieu was charged with simple marijuana possession.
This might be the perfect time to transfer to the Washington Huskies.

The Florida-Georgia football game in Jacksonville Saturday.
They no longer call it "The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party", which now refers to Mark Grace's commutes home from Diamondbacks games.

A new massage parlor in San Francisco is offering face-slappings for $350.
The Detroit Tigers would consider that a bargain.

The Islanders to Brooklyn?
They may have to bring back those plaid Don Cherry jerseys the Kingston Frontenacs wore 3 years ago.

The New York Islanders will move to Brooklyn starting in 2015-16 to play in the Barclays Center.
To be determined at a later date: if this will be in the NHL, AHL, KHL or some future players' league.

Donald Trump pledged $5 million to charity if President Obama produces his college application and transcripts.
SEC football programs are worried he's going to go after them next.

Donald Trump promised an "October surprise" in Washington, DC.
What, are the Redskins going to finish the month out of the cellar?

Saw a headline that read "Patrick Kane signs with Biel".
First thought: Justin Timberlake's going to be pissed.

San Francisco police urge the public to be on the lookout for counterfeiters trying to cash in on World Series buzz after an ad on Craigslist offered a pair of tickets for a Tigers-49ers game.

The Prince George Cougars are hosting Dog Night at the CN Centre November 10 against the Edmonton Oil Kings.
Looking forward to O Canada performed by the Baha Men.

Recent aerial photos of freeway traffic patterns in Brazil have experts worried about logistics for huge upcoming mid-decade events: 2014 World Cup, 2016 Olympics, 2018 World Hacky Sack Championships.

Brian Cashman said all offers for Alex Rodriguez would be considered.
Teams are asked to write their offers on a baseball and send them to the Yankees.

The NFL is investigating reports that San Diego is using a banned sticky substance.
To keep the Chargers from moving to L.A.

Gary Bettman may have fired off one press release too many: he just cancelled the first week of the NBA season.

I always enjoy Tony Dungy on NBC and as a guest on sports talk radio.
You may remember him as the first Vulcan head coach to win the Super Bowl.

There's now more pink in American football telecasts than their celebrity sex videos.

Nike ended its sponsorship of Lance Armstrong and his organizations.
When did they become the paragon of moral virtue?
A 9-year-old Nike PR spokesman made the announcement from a windowless pit in the Philippines.

A soccer team in Larissa, Greece is being sponsored by a local brothel.
I guess they're hoping their season has a happy ending.

Obama's having a good laugh over Romney's "binders full of women" quote.
He knows binders are for basketball brackets and football picks.

Astronomers have discovered an Earth-sized planet circling a nearby star.
It's an exact duplicate of our planet, with one exception: the commissioner of the NHL likes hockey.

Headline: Canada demands hockey game with Honduras.

Michigan QB Denard Robinson's hand injury, which he described as a "boo-boo" after Saturday's game versus Illinois, has been downgraded to an "owie".

A man was seriously wounded at Candlestick Park Sunday afternoon but is expected to recover.
You mean, other than Alex Smith?

Sign the world's been turned upside down: Derek Jeter on the receiving end of flower gift baskets.

MC Hammer will throw out the first pitch at Oakland-Detroit Game 5 tonight.
Depending on how it goes, Jim Leyland may immediately sign him for the Tigers bullpen.

I don't blame Braves fans for being upset.
That was the ugliest manipulation of a fly since Jeff Goldblum was experimenting with teleportation.

I'm not going to go so far as to say that Lance and Co were rolling drug cartels, but the U.S. just announced a War On Cycling.

It appears Ozzie Guillen is on his way out in Miami.
He's so bad, the Red Sox are thinking of hiring him.

Apparently, the "infield" now extends halfway to the warning track, which is now the outfield bullpens.

The Pistons will play the Knicks in London on January 17.
I guess the NBA is worried about European nations catching up to Team USA, as they are apparently now trying to slow the growth in interest of the sport across the Atlantic.

The NBA enacted tough new penalties against flopping.
1st offense is a warning, 2nd $5000 fines, 3rd you get sent back to Argentina or Duke.

Really nice story with the Marlins Adam Greenberg getting an at-bat 7 years after a bad beaning in his first plate appearance.
Too bad R.A. Dickey had to brush him back.

Vancouver Whitecaps striker Darren Mattocks was injured in Saturday night's match against the Seattle Sounders, falling victim to the EA SPORTS FIFA SOCCER downloadable custom cover jinx.

Michigan State filed a complaint with the Big Ten over film that Ohio State supplied them before their 1-point loss.
Apparently, the Buckeyes sent the Spartans a copy of Liam Neeson's Taken 2.

One of the PGA tour stops should be mini-golf.

Prop bet: I wonder what kind of odds one could have got from Vegas in the spring that there would be 7X as many MLB no-hitters as Vancouver Canadians rainouts?

How much does Yahoo! pay Brigham Young to have their Y logo on the 50-yard line at LaVell Edwards Stadium?

Paris has commemorated its 2006 World Cup defeat with a large, bronze statue of  France's Zinedine Zadine head-butting Italy's Marco Materazzi.
The artist is the same guy who did the sculpture of Bill Buckner outside Fenway Park.

The Bikini Basketball League will launch next summer with 7 teams.
I get the feeling their dunk contest will involve a dunk tank.

The crowd erupted into a standing ovation when the full-time officials took the field before the Browns-Ravens game.
It was the biggest outpouring of praise for anything in Baltimore since David Simon's The Wire.

2003 Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says 80% of his former LA Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.
Fortunately, there are none of those ugly clubhouse stories of needles in the butt.
Tommy Lasorda had them baked into the breadsticks at Olive Garden.

Police have caught another Stanley Cup rioter, this time hiding out in Saskatchewan.
It's unknown if he was continuing his rioting lifestyle there.
Perhaps he was hoping for a Roughriders Grey Cup appearance, or particularly heated extra ends in curling.

If the replacement refs are gone from the NFL a month from now, the Republican Party would like to get them to oversee the election.

Some fun glitches in EA Sports NHL 13.
One reviewer suggested they add smoke trails and small explosions next year.
Uh, I think Fox already tried that on TV around '97-'98.

Roger Goodell has set up a direct deposit account in Green Bay to expedite Packers fines.
Cheddar and Colby also accepted as payment.

So there's two officials in the Seahawks end zone on the Hail Mary.
One signals incomplete, one signals touchdown.
Aaron Rodgers...underpaid replacement refs...Discount Double Call!

2,000 workers at the Foxconn plant that makes iPhones in China returned to the job after a giant brawl closed the facility for a day.
Management, hoping for calm, organized a team-building event that involved gambling on and watching Monday Night Football.

Three former Olympus camera executives pleaded guilty to filing false accounting reports in a $1.7 billion scandal.
It's the most expensive fraud since the L.A. Dodgers sale.

Is the NFL officiating crew now just random fans pulled out of the stands before games?

NFL replacement refs just voted Justin Bieber into the Heavy Metal Hall Of Fame.

Another bad Sunday for the replacement refs.
It's starting to make me question the integrity of the Lingerie and semi-pro leagues.

The awkward moment when you try to high five someone and you both miss.
I believe that's called a Big Ten.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones thinks kneel-downs should be banned, but is for prayer in schools.

In the wake of the lockout, the NHL has cancelled September exhibition games.
Do the parties involved realize fans have alternatives for their sports dollars?
Enough with overpaid players and greedy, misguided owners: bring on the NBA!

Syrian rebels deny there is a bounty on the head of President Bashar al-Hassad.
However, the government claims to have a sworn affidavit from Gregg Williams that it's true.

A bomb threat at LSU caused the temporary evacuation of half the Tigers football team from an Introduction To Frisbee class.

Atlanta RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI early Tuesday morning after the Falcons Monday Night Football win.
He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.

A large statue of David Beckham is coming to Vancouver as part of an ad campaign by Swedish retailer H&M.
Beleaguered Whitecaps coach Martin Rennie is wondering if it could be stationed just in front and to the side of the opposition goal at BC Place.

The NHL's CBA talks have gotten so antagonistic, Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr are now only communicating through Yunel Escobar's eye black.

Alabama and LSU are now 1-2 in the AP poll.
This is like Groundhog Day, only the marmot is now a defensive end.

Is "casual college football fan" an oxymoron?

Is it time to let Louisiana-Monroe into the SEC?

The best thing about Tennessee Volunteers football is the life-size chess boards in the end zones.

Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips said Pirates reliever Jared Hughes called him "boy", considered one of the worst on-field slurs in pro sports.
I need to hear Washington Redskins WR Pierre Garcon's take on this.

When I hear "Atlantic Coast", I think South Bend, Indiana.
The only person who thinks Notre Dame is a good geographical fit in the ACC is Miss Teen South Carolina.

Michael Vick with 4 interceptions Sunday.
That's more turnovers than his coach had for breakfast.

Men's World Cup Soccer qualifying: Jamaica beat the U.S. for the first time ever, 2-1 in Kingston.
The Americans then got revenge 1-0 four nights later in Columbus, Ohio.
Home-and-home series in two Third World cesspools.

Andy Murray finally won his first major title, and has already picked up a new endorsement deal: Chia Pet.

Harvard basketball star Kyle Casey is set to sit out a year after his involvement in an academic fraud scandal.
I don't know. Getting in trouble for cheating in a class named "Introduction To Congress" sounds hypocritical.
I think the irony meter just broke.

Cleveland's Brandon Weeden was 12 of 35 for 118 yards and 4 interceptions in his NFL debut.
The only time all day the Eagles didn't know what he was up to was when he was under that giant flag.

Parking for a Detroit Lions game at Ford Field is $50 this season.
But they also throw in ownership of a Detroit townhouse.

John L. Smith: The accountants are working their tails off, and the coach keeps screwing it up.

Free advice for the Washington Nationals: you know how pitchers and catchers report to spring training in mid-February?
Next year, have Stephen Strasburg report in April.

Dancing was first permitted on Baylor's campus in 1996.
That was the year before the forward pass was allowed on Oklahoma's campus.

The Grey Cup 100 Train Tour leaves Vancouver on Sunday for a 10-week, 4100 km journey that will take it as far as Halifax.
Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time it takes Canada Post to deliver a package across the country.

Lance Armstrong was banned from the Chicago Marathon, which is a shame 'cause he'd already researched the route for subway shortcuts.

Is the Big East just a pyramid scheme?

Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine told a radio host over the phone if he was there in person he'd "punch him right in the mouth".
He went on to say he'd give him a knuckle sandwich, and knock his block off.
Confused Tigers manager Jim Leyland said he didn't understand all these new ways to threaten people.

Chris Pronger guaranteed the NHL season won't start as scheduled.
He's staying in game-shape during the work stoppage by competing in lumberjack festivals.

No Doubt performed the song "Settle Down" at the NFL Kickoff Concert.
The game crowd at MetLife Stadium certainly obeyed.

Austin Jackson and Delmon Young were missing in action Wednesday at Comerica Park when the Detroit Tigers took their annual team photo.
Jackson hinted he forgot; Young was just saving the Tigers' graphic designer 30 minutes of offseason Photoshop work.

Great speech by U.S. First Lady Michelle Obama at the DNC. Barack loved it.
He used the distraction to secretly conduct his NFL fantasy league draft.
Those reaction shots with his daughters?
Pre-taped.

The Washington Nationals would have shut down Harvey Haddix after the 10th inning.

Dwight Howard took out a full-page ad in the Orlando Sentinel thanking the city and expressing his love for it.
Once he retires he wants to be able to venture out beyond his gated community.

Bama fans love their football, but the games are really just down time between Honey Boo Boo episodes.

A Florida high schooler made history by becoming the first girl to play QB in a boys game, handing off the last two snaps of her team's victory.
She's got those eye black strips that Tebow wore.
The one under her right eye reads "Call Me" and under the left "Maybe".
Not sure if that's a message to the boys or college recruiters.

The NHL announced its 2012-13 TV schedule.
Strong lineup of shows: Law & Order, The Practice, Boston Legal, and The People's Court.

There's a theory that talking to plants helps them grow better.
That's certainly true at Lou Holtz's house.

A Skeeter is slang for a mosquito.
After all these years, tiny blood samples still being extracted from Clemens' body.
Maybe his comeback will be busted by an entomologist.

Roger Clemens will make his next start on Friday, September 7.
How would you like to be the pitching coach for the Sugar Land Skeeters?
He's setting up his rotation using monthly astrological charts.
Strasburg gets shut down but the Skeeters have a 50-year-old throwing every 2 weeks.
This is like Field Of Dreams meets Cocoon.

In their search for refs, the NFL is one step away from hiring Denis Leary and Jerry Seinfeld.

Some Lingerie Football League officials are working NFL games as replacement refs.
Hope they don't get caught with their pants down.

Eddy Curry worked out for the Brooklyn Nets Wednesday.
Curry turns 30 this fall, which is 60 in human years.

The NFL said replacement referees will start their season.
Unfortunately, one of them is the Norwegian official from women's Olympic soccer.

The Seventh-Inning Stretch, or as Cubs fans call it: P90X.

If I was on the Sugar Land Skeeters and the Houston Astros wanted to sign me, I would exercise my no-trade clause.

A passenger ferry ran aground in Boston Harbor.
There was no comment from the ship's skipper, Bobby Valentine.

Metallica's closer was "Enter Sandman". No sign of Mariano Rivera, or Billy Wagner.

The Red Sox nearly became the first team to switch coasts since the Giants and Dodgers.

All seven of Lance Armstrong's Tour de France titles would go to cyclists with doping scandals of their own.
It's like Russian nesting dolls.

Promo idea for the Jacksonville Jaguars in London: Khan Night, with William Shatner singing the anthem.

I'm a little skeptical about the optimism in that Conference Board of Canada report.
For example, when they state an ice floe in Nunavut will be able to support a junior hockey team by 2035, they know that's not just the weight of the players, right?

Still no word on the Lance Armstrong case from the head of the U.S. Pro-Doping Agency, Snoop Lion.

Bartolo Colon is going to use his 50-game suspension to work on his book: It's Not About The Burro.

Breakthrough in the NHL's CBA negotiations: both sides finally agreed on which place to order in lunch from.

A Mexican religious cult is trying to prevent school sports from happening this fall.
They're called "Bettmanites".

A's pitcher Bartolo Colon was suspended 50 games after testing positive for obesity.

Augusta National Golf Club has admitted its first two female members: a couple of Hooters waitresses.

Melkey's website could have come up with a better URL than pinocchio.com

Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema announced 5th-year senior Danny O'Brien will be the Badgers starting QB after transferring from Maryland.
O'Brien is eligible to play right away, because he has already graduated, the same rule Wisconsin took advantage of last year to enjoy one season of Russell Wilson.
Bielema also noted Joe Flacco and Vince Young will be free agents next spring.

That fake website used by Melkey Cabrera to create an explanation for his positive drug test has been acquired by AOL.

A Moscow court has sentenced a punk rock band to two years in prison for an anti-government protest.
Figure skating fans know you can never trust a Russian judge.

What is with San Francisco and the drugs?
The Giants should just get the Grateful Dead to play the anthem every night.
7th inning stretch: Take Me Out To The Pharmacy.

Melky Cabrera will be a free agent at the end of the season and was positioning himself for a massive contract.
He may have lost more value this week than Groupon.

Vancouver was named the world's 3rd most liveable city.
Another bronze for Canada.

LSU's Tyrann Mathieu was dismissed from the team for what reportedly was the latest of several failed drug tests.
He is looking at 3 options: immediately joining a FCS level team, sitting out a year and then playing for a FBS school, or appearing in the next Harold & Kumar movie.

Tennis pro Donald Young has lost 17 matches in a row, 4 short of the ATP record.
It's the worst losing streak this side of M. Night Shyamalan.

The Mars rover can travel the length of a football field in a day.
Same speed as Tom Brady scrambling.

Enjoyed seeing the Bears Julius Peppers college transcript online.
Really took me back to my university days.

One good thing out of the Chad Johnson situation: at last we have a definitive answer to the question "Would you like a receipt?"

The next city to host the Olympics is Sochi.
Which sounds like the name of a Vancouver 2010 mascot.

Chad Johnson's reality TV career has really taken off this summer.
First "Hard Knocks", and now "Dancing Behind Bars".

Apparently Dolphins receiver Chad Johnson forgot the NFL is trying to eliminate hits to the head.

Whose Washington season will be shut down first: Stephen Strasburg or Mitt Romney?

This is the first time a SEC football player has been kicked off his team for failing a test.

Usain Bolt just scratched LSU off his short list of schools to learn football at.

Dwight Howard went to the Lakers in a 4-team deal that was more convoluted than Hugh Hefner's sleeping arrangements.

Shannon Eastin became the first female on-field official in the NFL when she worked the Packers-Chargers preseason game.
Awkward moment in the 4th quarter when she tried to award Abby Wambach a penalty kick.

Thailand wins gold in individual cross-dressing.

The Saints and Patriots held a joint practice session Tuesday.
Just to mix things up, New Orleans covertly videotaped New England organizing a secret bounty pool.

7 Cameroon athletes have been reported as missing in London.
They've probably been hired by FIFA to officiate the medal round women's soccer games on Thursday.

Looking forward to the Men's Marathon Sunday, though two qualifying heats this week sounds a little excessive.

The U.S.-Canada women's soccer semi-final officials found an odd way to honor the 40th anniversary of the U.S.-Russia gold medal basketball match.

The Mars rover Curiosity landed safely on the red planet.
That's likely the only touchdown the California Institute of Technology will register this season.

NBC Sports wants to know what time zone Mars is in.

I'm not saying USC is insatiable in its recruiting trips, but when the Mars rover Curiosity landed, Lane Kiffin popped out.

Why do Pro Football Hall Of Fame inductees wear Monday Night Football blazers from the '80s?

The U.S. men's basketball team barely beat Lithuania.
Carmelo Anthony blamed Linsanity.

The U.S. beat Nigeria 156-73. Karmic payback for all those e-mail banking scams.
Dear Nigerian royalty: please wire me $50,000 and I will find you some better basketball players.
Yours faithfully.

UK newspapers have traced Michael Phelps's ancestors back to Somerset, England.
No word yet on whether they'll add his medals to Great Britain's total.

Roger Goodell met with the NFLPA to discuss drunken driving and domestic battery after the league's offseason resembled a Mad Max movie.

The Philadelphia Phillies may not be heading to the MLB postseason this year, but they are making a pitch to be on Pawn Stars.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig says he will retire after the 2014 season.
He will choose his retirement town based on which city's players do best in the 2014 All-Star Game.

Michael Phelps has won so many medals, he's now ready to join the cast of Jersey Shore.

This parade of nations is interminable. Could they compete as continents next time?

The commentators kept calling these the first Twitter games.
Actually, if it wasn't for the IOC rules, it would have been the first Instagrames.

Greece marched first in the Opening Ceremony because they had to return their rental outfits on time.

I've heard some promo spots for the Olympics playing "London's Burning" from The Clash's debut album.
Given the security concerns, is that really the best music to hype people for the Games?
Who's lighting the flame - Guy Fawkes?

I like those pictograms for each Olympic event.
I've seen those people help indicate which washroom door I should go into.
Nice to see them out getting some exercise.

That North Korean mystery woman with Kim Jong-un? Turns out it's the first lady.
The state news agency reported she scored 5 goals in the women's soccer team's opening round 2-0 win over Colombia.

President Obama has spent $6.5 million on ads during the Olympics; Mitt Romney none.
Apparently, Romney is boycotting the games until polo, falconry and fox-hunting are included.

IOC fines U.S. and France for starting Olympics before Opening Ceremonies.

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists just moved the Columbus Blue Jackets doomsday clock to 5 minutes to midnight.

Yankees pitchers D.J. Mitchell and Danny Farquhar coming over in the Ichiro trade are pissed off their X-box and PlayStation games won't work on the Mariners clubhouse game consoles.

When he heard Nash to New York, Carmelo Anthony wanted to reiterate that it's his team.

Spain's Olympic outfits look like they're working a fast food drive-thru window.

President Barack Obama and vice-president Joe Biden were in the audience for the U.S. men's basketball team's exhibition game versus Brazil.
It was a big night for the U.S.'s third-in-command, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, as it was the first time she was left alone to monitor a Washington Senators game.
The White House has a "No Game Left Unwatched" program.

Kings goalie Jonathan Bernier just appeared in a bit part in a commercial shot in L.A.
But he said what he really wants to do is direct.

All-Star game scorecards end up looking like Jackson Pollock paintings.

Calling the Major League Baseball All-Star Game the most meaningful of the all-star games is like calling Ernest Goes To Camp the key film to understanding the Ernest series.

Big surprise for Ryan Suter and Zach Parise Monday afternoon at the Minnesota Wild introductory press conference.
Those supposed matching contracts?
That was one for both of them.

Kansas City fans weren't booing Robinson Cano; they were mispronouncing his last name as "canoe".

Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson has given up on keeping the NBA Kings and instead says he will focus on bringing a Major League Baseball team to the California capital.
And if that doesn't work, he'll go after an English Premier League soccer team.

Nigeria's basketball team made the Olympics for the first time.
Fans are urged to watch their e-mail inboxes for ticket offers.

Five scientists contributed to the Higgs Boson breakthrough but the Nobel Prize for Science is traditionally only given to a maximum of 3 people.
If the judging panel is stuck, Tony La Russa says he's available to cast the deciding vote.

NBA Point Guards right now = musical wheelchairs.

Jason Kidd will mentor Jeremy Lin at the Knicks point guard position?
He's so old this is starting to look like Karate Kidd.

MLB has figured a way to sort out all the All-Star Game roster controversies.
The Higgs Boson research team has been assigned to it.

Why is the Hammer Throw a legit Olympic event, but not the Home Run Derby?
The Hammer Throw originated in the middle ages when a guy was building his house and hit his thumb instead of a nail.

The Canadian women's basketball team qualified for the final Olympic berth by beating Japan.
The Japanese women were hindered by their Hello Kitty backpacks.

They're calling Spain the great new soccer dynasty.
Of course they are: the young guys there have so much free time to practice.

The new Spider-Man out this week, trying to get some of the success The Avengers had.
New Batman later this month.
Hollywood has adapted so many comic books, next they are going to start buying the movie rights to NBA players' skin.

So the Edmonton Oilers won the Justin Schultz sweepstakes.
After seeing some video of his Wisconsin days, the main thing I came away with was the WCHA needs to start shooting in HD.
The last time I saw footage that grainy I was watching a guy in a Bigfoot costume walking next to a creek bed in Northern California.
Who is Wisconsin's cameraman, Adrian Zapruder?

I finally watched Baseball, the documentary by Ken Burns.
18 and a half hours.
It consists of four Josh Beckett starts.

These Euro fans from Italy and Spain are amazing.
Spending 3 weeks in Poland and Ukraine supporting your team?!?
Luckily, no one over there has a job.

Another great NBA Draft moment: when the Kardashians traded 2 second cousins for the 45th pick.

My favorite part of the draft was when the Jazz traded two 3rd round picks to Michael Jordan for the Bobcats 2nd rounder.

NBA #1 overall draft pick Anthony Davis has trademarked his unibrow.
Legal challenges are expected from The Jim Henson Company on behalf of Animal.

Jamie Moyer signed a contract with the Blue Jays and has been assigned to Las Vegas.
Wouldn't Reno have been more appropriate?

Saudi Arabia will allow women to compete in the Olympics for the first time.
London 2012 has responded by hiring extra lifeguards for swimming events.
Is Speedo going to be making burqas?

Saudi Arabia will allow women to compete in the Olympics for the first time.
Good thing auto racing is not an event for the Games.
Driving around the track with a red "L" sign on the back window.

A sleep-deprived Chinese soccer fan died after staying up 11 nights in a row watching every Euro match.
That's a shock to many North American sports fans, who can't believe watching soccer and sleep-deprived could ever go together.

Curt Schilling's 38 Studios inhaled more money than Studio 54.

Is it like the Stanley Cup, will Lebron get to take the trophy home to Ohio for a few days to show it off?

The BCS commissioners will recommend a 4-team playoff to the Presidential Oversight Committee.
The SEC is leading the charge, noting the games will be played at neutral sites like Miami, Atlanta, Dallas and New Orleans.

The Sandusky trial: there are so many Penn State fans on the jury, I'm afraid when they announce the verdict they will be in formation as a cheerleading pyramid.

Rich Rodriguez at Arizona?
The only "Desert Swarm" will be his coaching staff at the local Sunday buffet.

Doctors have red-flagged highly-rated NBA Draft prospect Jared Sullinger of Ohio State.
Apparently, when the x-ray photos of his back were analyzed they looked like headshots of Greg Oden.

This just in: Greek voters thought they were choosing to stay in the Euro soccer tournament.

Greece and the Czech Republic advanced from Group A at Euro 2012.
It's the first Czech most of the Greeks have seen in awhile.

The BC Place Stadium roof is more porous than a Shawn Kemp condom.

Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers was inside the ropes with an ESPN badge following the Tiger/Phil/Bubba group at the US Open.
There were numerous reports of spectators yelling "Go Pack!" at him.
These are 49ers fans...maybe they were saying "Go back!"

Danish striker Nicklas Bendtner reportedly sold ad space on his underwear.
Derek Jeter was setting up a deal like that, but Trojan pulled out at the last second.

NBA personalities are coming to the defense of commissioner David Stern, saying the NBA Draft lottery is absolutely not fixed.
Patrick Ewing was going to fire off a letter of support, but his tongue got frozen to the envelope while he was licking it.

R.A. Dickey is working on his next book, "Whenever I'm Overshadowed".

Controversy this week over charges that Russia is continuing to ship weapons to hooligans at Euro 2012.

It's a fine line between the L.A. Kings Stanley Cup parade and the lineup to get into Space Mountain.

England's opening Euro soccer match versus France drew a majority of British TV viewers, or a 56% share.
What they don't tell you is it was up against reruns of Antiques Roadshow, Upstairs, Downstairs, and a documentary on a Scottish farmer who claims he had an affair with the Loch Ness Monster.

Chad Ochocinco signed with the Dolphins, after they agreed to build replicas of the Marlins' home run celebration display in the end zones.

Somali militants placed a bounty of 10 camels for information on President Obama's whereabouts.
I suggest they check the schedule for the NBA Finals.

Metta World Peace spent Sunday afternoon hiking in the mountains near Vancouver.
The local bears carried air horns and pepper spray.

Six pitchers combined to share on a no-hitter for the Mariners.
Fidel Castro sent his congratulations.

I'll Have Another withdrew from The Belmont due to injury and will be retired.
The Canadian-owned horse will spend its winters in Scottsdale, AZ, 'cause that's the law.

I'll Have Another had to withdraw from the Belmont Stakes.
Don Cherry said back in his day the horse still would have raced.

The Patriots released Chad Ochocinco Thursday.
Next stop: the Allen Wranglers.

Metta World Peace filled in for the weatherman on a BCTV newscast Wednesday.
The last time he gave a weather report it was raining sodas and beer inside The Palace in Detroit.

Terrell Owens and the Allen Wranglers are at each other's throats.
These two sides will show about as much legal expertise as Reese Witherspoon.
Who's going to hear this case, Judge Wapner?

Tommy Lasorda is recovering in the hospital after a mild heart attack.
Members of the San Francisco Giants are smuggling in Olive Garden takeout for him.

The "Transit of Venus" is taking place between the Earth and the Sun this week for the 2nd time in eight years.
It won't happen again until 2117.
Or as Cubs fans call it, "years in contention".

Headline: Ben Roethlisberger having trouble getting used to new nickname "Windsor Tower"

Headline: Canada-US soccer friendly Sunday night crosses line into more than friends

Jacksonville Jaguars fifth-overall draft pick WR Justin Blackmon got a DUI after blowing .24.
On the Bengals, that's the designated driver.

South Carolina football coach Steve Spurrier wants college players to be paid $3500-4000 a year.
SEC athletes threatened to walk out over the proposed pay cuts.

Ohio State and Georgia cancelled their upcoming football series.
Mensa will have to find a new home for its title sponsorship money.

The New Jersey Devils lost Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Final at home to the L.A. Kings in overtime.
Jimmy Hoffa is rolling over in the Meadowlands.

A Pittsburgh Penguins fan is suing the team for sending him too many text messages.
A Pens employee initially tried to help him with the texts, but Marc-Andre Fleury was unable to block them.

Green Bay signed Donald Driver to a new contract.
The Packers outbid several Bollywood studios.

Fox Sports' Twitter accidentally announced the death of soccer superstar Lionel Messi.
There's a chilling thought for opposing defences: zombie Lionel Messi.

Miami Marlins reliever Juan Carlos Oviedo was suspended 8 weeks for ID fraud.
Until he comes back, the Marlins have decided to go with beer-buying-by-committee.

None of the Devils players would go near the Prince of Wales trophy, but cast members of Jersey Shore said they would like to wear it on a necklace.

The Charlotte Bobcats will interview Jerry Sloan for their vacant head coach position.
He faces some tough questions, like "Are you the man who can get us into double-digit wins?"

What is the average annual yield of fruits and vegetables from Madison Square Garden?

The crew at Staples Center converted the Kings ice to the Clippers floor faster than Marv Albert got his hair ready.

In an attempt to have L.A. host every major sporting event in a few weeks, the Belmont Stakes has been relocated and the horses will now run laps around the Staples Center.

The Olympic flame arrived in Britain from Greece Friday.
It was sent C.O.D.

The USA-Guatemala World Cup qualifying match is $29.99 on pay-per-view.
That may sound steep, but if you get together with the other two people who are dying to watch it, that's only 10 bucks each.

The Women's Professional Soccer league folded Friday.
In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best day to try to launch their IPO.

Early buzz is the Thunder's James Harden's beard may get a Best Supporting Actor nom for The Dictator.

What's with this blue clay court in Madrid?
I thought I was watching the Boise State Open.

Incredible quartet of goalies left in the NHL's final four.
Expect less scoring than a Tim Tebow-Shaun Alexander double date.

Chad Ochocinco wrote Roger Goodell another "Dear Dad" note.
I wonder what he's going to get him for Father's Day?
Ocho says he's going to be doing a lot of end zone celebrating this year, so maybe he should just give him money.

Confetti fell from the Madison Square Garden ceiling after the Knicks beat the Heat to cut their series deficit to 3 games to 1.
Shredded paper?
Guess they finally figured out a way to get rid of that Amar'e Stoudemire contract.

A woman wandered onto the court during play late in the first half of the Lakers-Nuggets game Sunday night.
Maybe she was just trying to get away from Marv Albert.

The Kings players starting to sport a lot of facial hair.
They're not used to deep playoff runs.
Usually by mid-May, the only beard left in L.A. is Katie Holmes.

One side of the BC Place Stadium scoreboard wasn't working on Saturday afternoon during the Whitecaps game.
Do you really need it?
If you can't keep track of the score in a soccer match, you're probably going to have trouble finding your way home afterwards.

In a week with some difficult stories, perhaps none was as awkward as British sportscasters having to explain Yankees reliever Mariano Rivera tearing his ACL shagging balls.

The Heat's Chris Bosh and his wife welcomed their baby Jackson into the world Thursday at 3AM.
A little over 12 hours later, Jackson had already taken Carmelo Anthony off the dribble.

Remember just a few years ago the U.S. was rallying behind New Orleans?
And now they're like the NFL's outlaw penal colony.
We haven't seen a turn to the dark side like that since Darth Vader.
Did George Lucas buy NFL Films?
And does that mean the recent Super Bowls will be re-released in 3D with CG enhancements?
Darth Vilma.

Unusual feat in Anaheim Wednesday night: Albert Pujols got a hit.

Joakim Noah: Woodstock called; they want their hairstyle back.

Protesters smashed the windows of banks and cars in Seattle.
They are taking this proposed college football playoff system pretty hard, after realizing without a 64-team field there is no room for the Huskies.

The CFL Draft is Thursday and the Washington Redskins are already trying to trade up.

I hope analysts don't ruin the CFL Draft by Tweeting picks ahead of time.

A major political hurdle in Ontario court was overcome to pave the way for a return of pro football to Ottawa.
Which is great, because the LFL was hoping for a geographical rival for the Toronto Triumph.

The Knicks are so out of answers on how to stop the Heat they are reaching for fire extinguishers.

Marvel Studios is working on Ant-Man, a movie about a superhero scientist with the ability to communicate with insects.
Finally, someone who can talk to Gary Bettman.

A Detroit Tiger was accused of a hate crime.
You mean other than Brandon Inge hating hitting cowhide with wood?

The Cleveland Browns may look at taking a QB in the 2nd or 3rd round.
Weeden's getting old.

I like how they saluted the veterans right after Brandon Weeden's pick.

Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine temporarily filed the wrong lineup card after consulting his iPhone to see which arm Twins starter Liam Hendriks throws with.
When he heard about the incident, Tigers manager Jim Leyland said "What's an iPhone?".

Calvin Johnson of the Lions scored the cover of Madden NFL '13.
It's the first time a Detroiter's been on the cover of anything since Ford's 1966 annual report.

Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions was voted the cover of Madden NFL '13.
The New Orleans Saints will get the cover of Team Fortress 3.

Suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton will coach his pre-teen son's football team.
He's already bugged the tree fort of an upcoming opponent.

The Ottawa Senators Chris Neil with the controversial kicking motion goal late in Game 6 versus the Rangers.
When Ottawa is eliminated, he has a tryout waiting with Toronto FC.

Patrick Kane being interviewed by attractive on-ice female sportscasters is like Prince Fielder being interviewed by pizza.

The Florida Panthers Brian Campbell was nominated for the Lady Byng award.
If he wins, he would be the first defenceman since 1954.
Is that an award you really want a defenceman winning?
That's like having Kate Upton model burqas.

Well now we know why Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace: so he wouldn't be considered a repeat offender.

A New Jersey man paid $1.2 million for a 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card.
Now he just needs Jamie Moyer to finish the set.

Jessica Dorrell has resigned from her position in the Arkansas athletic department.
Does she add that job to her resume?
Somebody ask George O' Leary.

Reports said the Kenyans overcame the 30 C heat to win the Boston Marathon Monday.
Kind of like when that Alaskan overcame the snow to win the Iditarod.

The BCS crystal football championship trophy was shattered on Saturday when the father of an Alabama player slipped on a rug and knocked it off its display.
Is it any wonder the rug at Alabama provides uneven footing with everything that's been swept under it the past few years?

James Cameron is honoring the 100th anniversary of a journey that resulted in disaster when it hit ice by making a new film.
It's a documentary called "Canucks and Penguins: The Road To The Stanley Cup".

Flyers-Penguins to headline UFC 146

A married couple bid $100,000 at an auction to spend a day with Tim Tebow.
Are they aware it won't go beyond holding hands?

The White Sox-Tigers game had to be stopped and the batter's box re-sized after it was discovered Chicago may have intentionally made it a foot too short in an attempt to slow down Detroit's powerful bats.
Did they think no one would notice the boxes looked small with Fielder and Cabrera standing in them?

Is the Phoenix Coyotes goalie hiding from something in his past?
The guy wears a mask and calls himself "Mike Smith".

Frank McCourt signed autographs for crowds of fans at Dodger Stadium Tuesday.
He's still got a divorce payment deadline coming up at the end of the month: a little risky to be signing every piece of paper strangers throw in your face.

The Edmonton Oilers won the NHL Draft Lottery, despite claims on it from a woman at a Maryland McDonald's.

Ozzie Guillen got suspended for 5 games for his comments regarding Fidel Castro, but he will use the time off to visit friends in North Korea for that rocket launch.

Marlins Park, the new home stadium for Miami baseball, has no mirrors in the public washrooms.
The organization was worried too many fans would waste time in front of a mirror freshening up, reapplying makeup, gossiping.
And in Miami, that's just the men.

Baylor basketball coaches are in hot water with the NCAA after an investigation found over a thousand impermissible smart phone exchanges with young prospects.
The coaches claim they were just Words With Friends random opponents.

Facebook bought Instagram for $1 billion.
That's the biggest financial outlay since Warren Sapp went to Foot Locker.

A large crowd of 15,000 showed up for an Easter service in Texas where Tim Tebow spoke for 20 minutes, many leaving before the main Sunday sermon.
So he shone as the opening act?
First time for everything.

Fun weekend in the Petrino household.
The "Easter Bunny" better be leaving apologies all over the property.

Roller coaster week for Vancouver's transgender beauty pageant contestant Jenna Talackova.
First, Donald Trump reinstated her in the Miss Universe Canada contest.
The bad news is she was rejected for membership at Augusta National Golf Club.

Isiah Thomas said he was "stunned and disappointed" to be fired from Florida International after going 26-65 over three seasons.
On the bright side, he can now devote himself full-time to wrecking the New York Knicks draft.

A player scored 113 points in a Lebanese basketball Division A tournament game.
Who was guarding him - Andrea Bargnani?

Has Bobby Petrino jumped the shark?

Nike unveiled the new NFL uniforms Tuesday.
New Detroit Lions colors: red, gold and green.

Are The Fray touring right now?
They performed the anthem Monday night right in front of a spot on the floor that read "The Road Ends Here".

Dozens of arrests in Lexington when couches and cars were set on fire after Kentucky won the national championship.
NIce to see stuff other than crosses burning.

The Indians Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for 5 games for beaning ex-Rockies teammate Troy Tulowitzki.
The Indians are expected to appeal to try to lesson the penalty.
Suspending a starting pitcher for 4 games is like telling a DH he can't bring his glove to the game.

Werner Ladder is the official ladder of the NCAA Basketball Championship.
It also comes in handy to take down banners after sanctions hit.

The Kraft Nabisco Championship is a major on the LPGA tour?
As Jim Nantz would say: "Cheese and crackers are a late night snack unlike any other."

Jamie Moyer's favorite stadium to pitch in is Jurassic Park.

The Saskatchewan franchise in the Lingerie Football League is nicknamed Rage.
I was hoping for Regina Monologues.

Stephon Marbury says he is not interested in joining an NBA team for the playoffs.
After leading his team to the Chinese Basketball Association championship, I thought he would be hungry for another title right away.

We could be looking at "One Shining Eyebrow" Monday night.

Florida Gators point guard Erving Walker was arrested and charged with a misdemeanor after he got a $3 taco from a street vendor and then ran away without paying.
He's likely to get off lightly as he doesn't have a prior history of stealing; getting 0 in 32 minutes in the Gators West Regional final loss to Louisville.
When several marked patrol cars finally caught up with him, he said he was "just playing around".
How many clients does Jerry Sandusky's lawyer have?

Jamie Moyer - 49-years-old and coming off Tommy John surgery - was named the Colorado Rockies number-two starter.
This after being cut from the Phillies batting practice squad.

I'm not sure how hands-on Magic Johnson plans to be as a Dodgers owner, but he just named Sheila E. as general manager.

A truck crash in Ontario spilled $3 million in coins and candy across a highway.
Probably on its way to Ottawa to meet the details of Kyle Turris's contract.

Female volleyball players no longer have to wear bikinis in the Olympics.
Naturists everywhere are rejoicing. Guys are high-fiving.

The Louisville Cardinals logo appears to be an Angry Bird.
Too bad they can't play Arkansas in the Final Four.

Reports say Allen Iverson earned $200 million during his basketball career and is now broke.
Apparently he financed the movie John Carter.

The Texas Rangers unveiled their new 2-foot-long, $26 hot dog.
Just another reason Prince Fielder switched leagues.

The New Black Panthers have taken out a $10,000 bounty on Florida shooter George Zimmerman.
Confused Carolina coach Ron Rivera is worried about getting a call from Roger Goodell.

Louisville, Ohio State, Kentucky, Kansas.
Great Final Four...if you're a fan of the movie Deliverance.

Did the New Orleans Hornets have a bounty on the LA Clippers Blake Griffin?
If David Stern doesn't suspend Jason Smith, Roger Goodell probably will.

Something tells me the only Hi-Liter the Louisville basketball players have seen is their uniform color.

The Louisiana Republican primary is this Saturday.
I wonder which candidate wants the endorsement of Roger Goodell?

The New Orleans Saints hosting Super Bowl week this season will sort of be like Delta House throwing that toga party.

eBay's servers crashed Tuesday afternoon as millions of Broncos "Tebow 15" jerseys were listed at the same time.
What are they going to do with all those things that are just a few months old?
Convert them to sacks and Peyton can use them for bank trips.

Report from the Philippines: Manny Pacquiao says God has told him to retire.
Upon hearing the news, Tim Tebow said: "Why couldn't He have told Peyton Manning that?"

Vancouver Canucks owner Francesco Aquilini and his wife are going through a divorce.
They are currently embroiled in a custody battle over Mason Raymond.

After week 1, President Obama's NCAA bracket is in the 98th percentile at ESPN.
That's 48 points higher than his most recent approval rating in a Reuters poll.

A plant at the Royal Botanic Gardens in England bloomed for the first time in 40 years.
In Canada we call that the Maple Leafs.

News that Osama bin Laden spent his final days plotting to assassinate President Obama caused a brief rise in U.S. alert levels, as security was beefed up at basketball arenas around the country.

A gun battle interrupted a Mexican Baseball League exhibition game.
Spring Training: it's that time of year, where they decide who's going to throw out the Opening Day first grenade.

Penn State apologized for firing Joe Paterno by phone.
Carrier pigeon would have been more appropriate.

Tim Tebow is the favorite to appear on the cover of Madden 13.
Oh no, does that mean passing is going to be even more difficult?

Randy Moss is heading to the Bay Area.
That's San Francisco, not Montego Bay, unfortunately for Jamaican marijuana farmers.

The large signs Telus was making for the outside of BC Place may have been the deal breaker in the naming rights agreement.
Apparently, the signs said "Make Some Noise".

Headline: Charlotte Bobcats denied NCAA tournament bid.

Overseeded: Georgetown, Wisconsin, Octomom.

Barry Switzer's life story is being adapted into a Hollywood feature film.
Theaters will only accept ticket payments in the form of cash in envelopes.

Loneliest people in the sports world this weekend: the incumbent QB on whatever team Peyton Manning signs with, and scalpers outside the Staples Center at the Pac-12 tourney.

The Knicks got smoked on the road by the Spurs.
New York hasn't won in San Antonio since 2003.
The only ones with a longer drought winning there is the Mexican Army.

A former Toronto Argonauts defensive lineman said bounties are alive and well in the CFL.
The players pay each other out in Canadian Tire money.

The Royal Canadian Mint has issued a $10 commemorative coin depicting the Titanic heading ominously toward an iceberg.
I trust the Canadian ice making team won't bury it at the next international hockey tournament for good luck.

St. Mary's beat Gonzaga in OT to win the West Coast Conference basketball tournament.
Shouldn't that have been the play-in for the Pac-12 championship game?

I'm not saying the Saints were taking out contracts on opposing players, but they just placed their franchise tag on Vincent Vega.

More New Orleans bounty revelations: Drew Brees was giving teammates beads if he could see them topless.

Dwyane Wade has patched things up after his hard foul in the NBA All-Star Game.
He bought Kobe some jewellery.

What is this about Tiger Woods wanting to be a Navy SEAL?
Was the government planning a hit on Hugh Hefner?

The NFL is moving its opening game to Wednesday night to avoid a conflict with Barack Obama's scheduled speech at the Democratic National Convention.
The President really appreciates it, as he was worried he was going to have to skip the convention to watch the game.

Headline: "Mormons posthumously baptize Charlotte Bobcats".

Columbus offered Rick Nash to Vancouver at the trading deadline, but the Canucks rejected the Blue Jackets request of Cody Hodgson, Cory Schneider, three #1 draft picks, and this week's box office receipts of The Artist.

Georgetown beat Notre Dame 59-41.
Looks like the Fighting Irish are auditioning for the Big Ten.

For the first time, the Daytona 500 was postponed until Monday.
On lap 1 the drivers had to drop their kids off at school.

Moneyball may have gone 0-for-6 at the Oscars, but it wasn't baseball's biggest loser on Sunday.
After signing third baseman Ryan Zimmerman to a six-year, $100 million contract extension, that title went to the Washington Nationals.

No wonder Ryan Braun's samples didn't make it to Montreal on time: no one in MLB knows where that is anymore.

NL MVP Ryan Braun got out of his drug suspension because FedEx couldn't get his sample delivered to the lab for nearly 48 hours.
I see a bright future for FedEx as a Tour de France team sponsor.

Albert Pujols is unhappy with the Angels "El Hombre" billboard campaign around southern California, preferring that all forms of that nickname be reserved for Stan Musial.
Similar deal in Detroit, where Prince Fielder is concerned the Tigers "El Gordo" campaign snubs Dmitri Young.

The Elias Sports Bureau said Jeremy Lin is the first person since the merger to average at least 20 points and 8 assists in his first 10 career starts.
I've been hearing that a lot lately with basketball stats: "since the merger".
Are they talking NBA-ABA or Kardashians-Jenners?

The NFL is selecting 250 lucky fans to workout at the scouting combine this weekend.
To qualify, interested people had to write a short essay.
You know it's a fantasy camp since half the draft-eligible players couldn't do that.

Boston Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo threw a ball at a ref and hit him directly in the chest.
First call he got was from the league suspending him for two games.
Second call was from the Red Sox pitching coach.

The Boston Red Sox new JetBlue Park spring training facility in Fort Meyers, FL is called Fenway South.
Its got the exact same field dimensions, a 37-foot Green Monster in left, and a pub in the clubhouse.

What's going on in that Adidas commercial where the marching band is running down the street?
Are they escaping a hazing?

Little known fact: Pekingese Malachy, the Asian sensation who lit up Madison Square Garden, still sleeps in his brother's dog house.

Due to popular demand, Vince Carter's been added to the rosters for the NBA's Fading Stars Challenge.

The Glasgow Rangers filed for bankruptcy protection.
They're so desperate for money they've started selling William Wallace bobbleheads.

Chase Budinger, Paul George, Iman Shumpert and Derrick Williams...
Is this the NBA dunk contest or a witness protection program?

A Provincial Court judge has ruled there will be no video coverage of the Vancouver riot trials.
Which means it's getting slightly less air time than the Canucks on CBC.

Maryland quarterback Danny O'Brien is transferring, and doesn't have to sit out a year if he graduates this spring and enrolls in a master's program not offered at Maryland.
Like Fashion Design?

Hines Ward responded to reports that the Steelers were going to cut him by saying that their stadium was named after him and that it would be like the Packers cutting Curly Lambeau.

A young Asian Knicks star: Woody Allen must be in heaven.

The Big Ten is reportedly exploring a four-team playoff.
Is that to determine the Legends or Leaders division champion?

'80s Red Sox pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd admitted he pitched two-thirds of his starts high on cocaine.
Hey, look at the bright side: he was listed at 160 pounds and his average game lasted two hours.
Yes, I'm looking at you, Yankees starting staff.

Bruins goalie Tim Thomas blasted President Obama on birth control distribution.
Too bad there wasn't better access in Michigan in 1973.

Reports on Giants Day said there were a million people on the streets of Manhattan.
Isn't that a regular weekday?

Madonna is heading out on a lip-synching world tour.
During costume changes, the screens will show clips from the Pro Bowl.

The Knicks Jeremy Lin suddenly has the most fairweather friends of any Harvard man since Mark Zuckerberg.

It's a good bet M.I.A. will live up to her name at future Super Bowls.

Tom Brady set a new Super Bowl record, completing more passes in a row than Madonna in her prime.

The International Space Station crew got a live feed of the Super Bowl.
They watched the game with freeze-dried nachos and powdered beer.

Anti-bullying messages will be displayed on the jumbotrons during the Super Bowl.
Eli Manning wants to know where these were when the 49ers were sacking him 6 times.

Dolphins WR Brandon Marshall was the Pro Bowl MVP.
Winning the Pro Bowl MVP is like being named the best funk band in North Korea.

The Eagles LeSean McCoy admitted he didn't try at the Pro Bowl.
The players were confused: they thought whoever lost the game would get Andrew Luck.

Word is Jim Tressel is in talks with Akron.
Tattoo franchise opportunities?

I don't want to read too much into it, but the list of items banned from Lucas Oil Stadium Sunday includes beach balls, laser pointers, and Peyton Manning.

The Carolina Panthers released a new logo, giving their cougar a "more aggressive look" around the eyes and mouth.
I guess they want it to look like it has had a couple of cosmos.
It should fit the overall vibe of the team's graphics: the font in the end zones look like they're taken from an '80s hair-metal band.

Columbus was selected as the host of next year's NHL All-Star Weekend.
I'm not sure this is the best way to lure Alex Ovechkin back to the game.

Time Warner wants Dodgers: the scariest 4 words in L.A. outside of "untitled Bruce Vilanch project".

Is there drug testing at the Winter X Games?
The THC levels on the mountain must be like a reggae tour bus.

Tommy Lasorda says Dodgers fans are the greatest in baseball.
Maybe from the 3rd through 7th innings.

First there was Moneyball, now Tom Hanks is set to star as a Detroit Tigers executive in a movie about baseball contracts called Extremely Long & Incredibly Expensive.

Newt Gingrich says if he is elected President he will build a permanent colony on the Moon.
Gary Bettman is excited by the prospect of a new home for the Coyotes and is studying where it would fit in geographical realignment.

The tennis announcers mentioned Geoffrey Rush was named 2012 Australian of the Year.
Who did he beat out - Elle Macpherson and Crocodile Dundee?

The Tigers plan to play Cabrera at third and Fielder at first.
Oh, to be a helmet and glove vendor in the first base stands.

Recommended audiobook: Ed Hochuli reads Kindle Fire For Dummies

President Obama hosted the Boston Bruins at The White House Monday.
Video of the event was immediately sent to the FBI and Brendan Shanahan.

The Giants line gave up six sacks to the 49ers.
Iran did a better job of blocking the Strait of Hormuz.

The Bengals announced they are moving their training camp from Kentucky to Cincinnati.
Now their fans can watch an extra month of meaningless football each year.

Accused Auburn tree-poisoner Harvey Updyke rejected a plea deal that would have sent him to prison for 13 years, barred him from ever attending Alabama sports events, and forced him to stay away from former NBA centre Wayne Rollins.

Sources say Jim Tressel will interview for the Indianapolis Colts head coaching job.
Followed by his interview for Italian cruise ship captain.

Terrell Owens has signed with the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League.
"Allen"?
You know you're just one step above fantasy when the owners are naming teams after themselves.

Cleveland Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona was arrested in the Dominican Republic on fake identity charges.
He told them he was Danny Almonte.

Fausto Carmona's real name is Roberto Hernandez. He's 31, not 28 like the Indians thought.
Unfortunately, he really did have a 5.25 ERA last season.

When Miss Wisconsin was crowned Miss America she asked Aaron Rodgers to call her.
Just make sure he doesn't use his wide receivers as wingmen; the call might get dropped.

Hundreds of Green Bay Packers fans spent hours shovelling snow at Lambeau Field after a rumour circulated there was cheese and beer buried underneath.

President Obama welcomed the 2010-11 NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks to the White House Monday.
It was an awkward couple of hours for Lamar Odom, who was left on the team bus with a Nintendo handheld and some comic books.

The Bruins Brad Marchand now says he was just practicing Tai Chi when he hit the Canucks Sami Salo.

Huge stakes in the BCS Championship Game Monday night: winner receives a "Get Off Of Probation FREE" card.

The Dallas Cowboys are accused of using factories for their products that employ child labor.
Don't all NFL teams do that? It's called the NCAA.

Demonstrators outside the Montreal Canadiens arena protesting coach Randy Cunneyworth's unilingualism also complained the Bell Centre only plays English music.
C'mon, that's not fair: AC/DC is Australian and U2 is Irish.

The Black Keys and Nickelback are feuding...
The Keys' Patrick Carney said in Rolling Stone that Nickelback helped kill rock 'n' roll.
This is the most one-sided fight since Evander Kane vs Matt Cooke.

Alcatraz is a new Fox series debuting January 16th about men imprisoned in the San Francisco Bay area.
You may remember it by an earlier title: Oakland Raiders.

None of the NHL's top 10 leading scorers were voted into the All-Star Game in Ottawa.
What did you expect, given that city's voting track record?

It used to be the FedEx Orange Bowl but their sponsorship wasn't renewed after they just tossed a check over the bowl committee's fence.

Nice Fiesta Bowl win for Oklahoma State and their 28-year-old QB Brandon Weeden.
After the game, the student section chanted "One more decade!".

Because there is no Heritage Classic in Canada this year, the Flyers-Rangers Winter Classic was the last outdoor game of the NHL season, unless Dallas doesn't make rent.

A unique Rose Bowl halftime show consisted of the Oregon and Wisconsin defensive coaching staffs polishing their resumes to music.

Someday, Shawn Kemp may replace The Rose Bowl as "The Grandaddy of Them All".