The NHL announced its 2012-13 TV schedule.
Strong lineup of shows: Law & Order, The Practice, Boston Legal, and The People's Court.

There's a theory that talking to plants helps them grow better.
That's certainly true at Lou Holtz's house.

A Skeeter is slang for a mosquito.
After all these years, tiny blood samples still being extracted from Clemens' body.
Maybe his comeback will be busted by an entomologist.

Roger Clemens will make his next start on Friday, September 7.
How would you like to be the pitching coach for the Sugar Land Skeeters?
He's setting up his rotation using monthly astrological charts.
Strasburg gets shut down but the Skeeters have a 50-year-old throwing every 2 weeks.
This is like Field Of Dreams meets Cocoon.

In their search for refs, the NFL is one step away from hiring Denis Leary and Jerry Seinfeld.

Some Lingerie Football League officials are working NFL games as replacement refs.
Hope they don't get caught with their pants down.

Eddy Curry worked out for the Brooklyn Nets Wednesday.
Curry turns 30 this fall, which is 60 in human years.

The NFL said replacement referees will start their season.
Unfortunately, one of them is the Norwegian official from women's Olympic soccer.

The Seventh-Inning Stretch, or as Cubs fans call it: P90X.

If I was on the Sugar Land Skeeters and the Houston Astros wanted to sign me, I would exercise my no-trade clause.

A passenger ferry ran aground in Boston Harbor.
There was no comment from the ship's skipper, Bobby Valentine.

Metallica's closer was "Enter Sandman". No sign of Mariano Rivera, or Billy Wagner.

The Red Sox nearly became the first team to switch coasts since the Giants and Dodgers.

All seven of Lance Armstrong's Tour de France titles would go to cyclists with doping scandals of their own.
It's like Russian nesting dolls.

Promo idea for the Jacksonville Jaguars in London: Khan Night, with William Shatner singing the anthem.

I'm a little skeptical about the optimism in that Conference Board of Canada report.
For example, when they state an ice floe in Nunavut will be able to support a junior hockey team by 2035, they know that's not just the weight of the players, right?

Still no word on the Lance Armstrong case from the head of the U.S. Pro-Doping Agency, Snoop Lion.

Bartolo Colon is going to use his 50-game suspension to work on his book: It's Not About The Burro.

Breakthrough in the NHL's CBA negotiations: both sides finally agreed on which place to order in lunch from.

A Mexican religious cult is trying to prevent school sports from happening this fall.
They're called "Bettmanites".

A's pitcher Bartolo Colon was suspended 50 games after testing positive for obesity.

Augusta National Golf Club has admitted its first two female members: a couple of Hooters waitresses.

Melkey's website could have come up with a better URL than pinocchio.com

Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema announced 5th-year senior Danny O'Brien will be the Badgers starting QB after transferring from Maryland.
O'Brien is eligible to play right away, because he has already graduated, the same rule Wisconsin took advantage of last year to enjoy one season of Russell Wilson.
Bielema also noted Joe Flacco and Vince Young will be free agents next spring.

That fake website used by Melkey Cabrera to create an explanation for his positive drug test has been acquired by AOL.

A Moscow court has sentenced a punk rock band to two years in prison for an anti-government protest.
Figure skating fans know you can never trust a Russian judge.

What is with San Francisco and the drugs?
The Giants should just get the Grateful Dead to play the anthem every night.
7th inning stretch: Take Me Out To The Pharmacy.

Melky Cabrera will be a free agent at the end of the season and was positioning himself for a massive contract.
He may have lost more value this week than Groupon.

Vancouver was named the world's 3rd most liveable city.
Another bronze for Canada.

LSU's Tyrann Mathieu was dismissed from the team for what reportedly was the latest of several failed drug tests.
He is looking at 3 options: immediately joining a FCS level team, sitting out a year and then playing for a FBS school, or appearing in the next Harold & Kumar movie.

Tennis pro Donald Young has lost 17 matches in a row, 4 short of the ATP record.
It's the worst losing streak this side of M. Night Shyamalan.

The Mars rover can travel the length of a football field in a day.
Same speed as Tom Brady scrambling.

Enjoyed seeing the Bears Julius Peppers college transcript online.
Really took me back to my university days.

One good thing out of the Chad Johnson situation: at last we have a definitive answer to the question "Would you like a receipt?"

The next city to host the Olympics is Sochi.
Which sounds like the name of a Vancouver 2010 mascot.

Chad Johnson's reality TV career has really taken off this summer.
First "Hard Knocks", and now "Dancing Behind Bars".

Apparently Dolphins receiver Chad Johnson forgot the NFL is trying to eliminate hits to the head.

Whose Washington season will be shut down first: Stephen Strasburg or Mitt Romney?

This is the first time a SEC football player has been kicked off his team for failing a test.

Usain Bolt just scratched LSU off his short list of schools to learn football at.

Dwight Howard went to the Lakers in a 4-team deal that was more convoluted than Hugh Hefner's sleeping arrangements.

Shannon Eastin became the first female on-field official in the NFL when she worked the Packers-Chargers preseason game.
Awkward moment in the 4th quarter when she tried to award Abby Wambach a penalty kick.

Thailand wins gold in individual cross-dressing.

The Saints and Patriots held a joint practice session Tuesday.
Just to mix things up, New Orleans covertly videotaped New England organizing a secret bounty pool.

7 Cameroon athletes have been reported as missing in London.
They've probably been hired by FIFA to officiate the medal round women's soccer games on Thursday.

Looking forward to the Men's Marathon Sunday, though two qualifying heats this week sounds a little excessive.

The U.S.-Canada women's soccer semi-final officials found an odd way to honor the 40th anniversary of the U.S.-Russia gold medal basketball match.

The Mars rover Curiosity landed safely on the red planet.
That's likely the only touchdown the California Institute of Technology will register this season.

NBC Sports wants to know what time zone Mars is in.

I'm not saying USC is insatiable in its recruiting trips, but when the Mars rover Curiosity landed, Lane Kiffin popped out.

Why do Pro Football Hall Of Fame inductees wear Monday Night Football blazers from the '80s?

The U.S. men's basketball team barely beat Lithuania.
Carmelo Anthony blamed Linsanity.

The U.S. beat Nigeria 156-73. Karmic payback for all those e-mail banking scams.
Dear Nigerian royalty: please wire me $50,000 and I will find you some better basketball players.
Yours faithfully.

UK newspapers have traced Michael Phelps's ancestors back to Somerset, England.
No word yet on whether they'll add his medals to Great Britain's total.

Roger Goodell met with the NFLPA to discuss drunken driving and domestic battery after the league's offseason resembled a Mad Max movie.

The Philadelphia Phillies may not be heading to the MLB postseason this year, but they are making a pitch to be on Pawn Stars.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig says he will retire after the 2014 season.
He will choose his retirement town based on which city's players do best in the 2014 All-Star Game.