With 35 bowls, these announcing teams get stretched pretty thin.
"Calling today's game: Tim Tebow's 2nd cousin, and a guy who was really good at Tecmo Bowl."

The Maple Leafs signed Dion Phaneuf to a 7-year extension.
Phaneuf re-signed Elisha Cuthbert for 6.5.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey topped the list of 2013's most pirated movies.
Least pirated: Madea Goes Surfing.

WTKA in Michigan reports that the FBI and Homeland Security are beefing up their presence in East Lansing for the New Year's Day Rose Bowl Game.
Finally, they can gain the upper hand in the War On Couch-Burning.

Not sure how much screen time Tim Tebow will actually get, but SEC Network jerseys are flying off the shelves.

Tim Tebow was hired as a TV analyst by the SEC Network.
They are currently working on technology to enable score updates to scroll on his eye black patches.

Due to the Russian bombings ahead of the Winter Olympics, France has officially tapped out.

Geneva Serviette wiping the floor with Canada in the Spengler Cup semi-final.

Several refs went missing during the Spengler Cup and were presumed abducted by UFOs.

The Steelers had their year-end awards dinner, giving the Chiefs Ryan Succop and Chase Daniel a trip for two to North Korea.

Poor overseas villagers refuse donation of "Michigan 2013 Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl Champions" t-shirts.

The Cincinnati Bearcats have a freshman safety named Mike Tyson.
He could have some fun with his eye black design.

The University of Cincinnati is feeling the wrath of the karma gods for not choosing one animal as their team nickname.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have suspended Andrew Bynum indefinitely for conduct detrimental to the team.
What - stepping on the court?

Jerry Jones says the Dallas Cowboys won't use a high 2014 draft pick on a QB.
If they were smart, they'd trade a pick for a GM.

I hope they make a time lapse video of converting Yankee Stadium from a football field to a hockey arena.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit coming in mid-January.
Action-thriller movie or SEC signing day mystery?

Spengler Cup: the world's most confusing hockey tournament.
Where entire nations play against teams representing steel mills from small central European towns.
It's like the equivalent of Russia playing an all-star team from Burnaby 8 Rinks.

You might have a hockey problem if you PVR Spengler Cup games Canada's not involved in.

Grudge Match: the Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot of sports movies.

Even with the special NBA Christmas jerseys, the Knicks still didn't have any tricks up their sleeve.

No football on Christmas Day.
The CFL blew a prime window for an All-Star game.

The New York Knicks dressed in all orange on Christmas Day, and played like something you'd find in the bottom of a sock.

I've seen the TSN Year in Review countdowns so many times, I can't distinguish between the top plays and the bloopers.

The Dallas Cowboys signed Jon Kitna as an emergency backup, pulling him out of a live Nativity scene where he was playing Joseph.

The second most amazing thing about Buffalo's OT-winning goal lodged in Mike Smith's pants was that it didn't happen to Roberto Luongo.

Hockey Canada finalized its women's roster for Sochi.
In the wake of the last game versus the U.S., they've added Sarah Kaufman and Alexis Davis.

Sorry Bruno Mars, your Super Bowl dreams are over: Pussy Riot is free.

Former major-leaguer Alex Cabrera set a Venezuelan league record for home runs in a season, and said a kiss from his wife before the game calmed him down.
A kiss calmed him down? Ah, marriage.

The Oregon State Beavers fell to 4-1 with President Obama in attendance, falling to Akron at the Diamond Head Classic in Hawaii.
Barack said his good luck charm streak might have continued if Michelle hadn't insisted on sitting between him and the cheerleaders.

Peyton Manning named Sportsman of the Year by Sports Illustrated.
Of course, he's playing with three Pro-Bowlers while Tom Brady throws to the Cabbage Patch Kids.

The NFC North's playoff drive is like watching Iran and North Korea's space race to put a man on the Moon.

"Grinch 2013": The Grinch takes Whoville captive and forces them to watch all 5 NBA Christmas Day games back-to-back.

The Potato Bowl: Famous San Diego Chickens versus Buffalo Wild Wings.

Colorado State and Washington State with a thrilling finish to the Don't Lose 7 Bowl.

The Southeastern Conference fined the Georgia Bulldogs for using an artificial noisemaker (cowbells) during games.
Guess they'll have to stop using The Bruce Dickinson as their stadium producer.

What better way to kick off the irrelevancy and pointlessness of bowl season than Washington State (6-6) and Colorado State (7-6) in Albuquerque at the New Mexico Bowl?
Festivities start Saturday morning with the Tournament of Meth Parade.

Stanford-Michigan basketball Saturday, where the students calculate their team's RPI in their heads at the end of each quarter.

Grumblings over the decadence at Dennis Rodman's basketball training camp in North Korea, where some of the players are receiving up to two meals per day.

Florida and Michigan announced they will open the 2017 season in the Cowboys Classic at Arlington, Texas.
This smells like a coaching and recruiting ad, not a football game.

Phil Robertson must be of two minds about biathlon.

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson suspended by A&E.
Lucky timing, though, as he's getting ready for Sochi where he'll work as a male figure skating commentator.

The White House says President Obama's schedule precludes him from attending the Sochi Olympics.
It's the last few weeks before he fills out his March Madness brackets.

Surprisingly, Kate Moss has failed to qualify for Sochi on Britain's skeleton team.

Scott Boras is helping package the new Gilligan's Island movie.
He wants $20 million for The Professor.

A report says Jon Gruden is "open to hearing" about the Texas Longhorns head coaching job.
Would he take Mike Tirico with him?

Seahawks cornerback Brandon Browner has been suspended indefinitely for violating the league's substance abuse policy.
Probably celebrating Nirvana's selection for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

The Sochi Olympic torch relay makes the Donner Party look like Apollo 17.

Not a fan of vague or generic team nicknames.
The Minnesota Wild: is that an animal or a lifestyle?

Warning to Red Wings fans attending the alumni game versus the Maple Leafs at Comerica Park: Jim Leyland plans to have Chris Osgood on a strict shot count.

I thought the BB&T Center crew were building a confessional.
"Forgive us, Father, we don't really care about hockey."

Some of these college football players applying for NFL Draft evaluations would be better served contacting the Ottawa RedBlacks.

I would listen to Milan Lucic. There are no greater experts on "unprovoked attacks" than the Bruins.

The Canucks crushed the Bruins 6-2 Saturday.
Brad Marchand with the most futile hand gestures since the Mandela memorial.

A sign of too much Christmas shopping: my friend thought Armani and Old Navy were playing on TV.

It's Friday the 13th, which for goaltenders ranks right up there with Christmas and their birthday.

If the Red Wings-Maple Leafs Alumni Game comes down to a shootout attempt by Chris Chelios on Johnny Bower, there could be a rift in the space-time continuum.

I miss the old, innocent days of Broncos football when it was rocks in snowballs.

Johnny Bower, 89, will be the Maple Leafs backup goalie for the Winter Classic Alumni Game versus the Red Wings.
For the first time, he will wear a mask in net.
Unfortunately, it will be an oxygen mask.

George W. Bush wrote a letter of support to the Alabama kicker.
Together with enthusiastic financial support from Crimson Tide boosters, they are giving him a surprise Christmas gift: a holiday hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

The South African government has admitted that hiring that fake sign language guy was a mistake.
Apparently, it was his first gig since Manti Te'o's Notre Dame graduation ceremony.

There's a manhunt on for that fake sign language guy from the Nelson Mandela memorial.
Brazil has joined the search: they want to know if he is available to sign at their World Cup and Summer Olympics.

The Florida Panthers played most of the 3rd period Tuesday against Detroit with a replacement piece of plexiglass with its covering still on behind the Red Wings goal.
What were they waiting for to unwrap that thing - Christmas?

The MLB rules committee says it plans to end collisions at home plate.
Ray Fosse said he would like to block the decision.

The sign language interpreter from the Mandela memorial has returned to his day job, signalling in plays from the sideline for the Houston Texans.

Mark Prior has officially retired from the disabled list and is expected to be a first-ballot medical hall-of-famer, where he will be inducted by Dusty Baker.

Nebraska football has sold out every home game since the Cuban Missile Crisis.
They probably thought the missiles were corn-filled silos about to flood the market.

That Leafs-Habs "Dear Canada" video montage on Hockey Night In Canada was excellent.
Can't wait for the Canucks-Senators one on March 2nd.

The Houston Texans season has been so bad, after their last game they had a rep from the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl visit their locker room.

Jadeveon Clowney was ticketed for doing 110 in a 70.
He might be confused, because he asked if that would count towards his NFL Combine measurables.

Monday Night Football: most successful TV show in the world and there's no heat in the studio.
Gruden and Tirico were dressed like they're going caroling in the Himalayas.

The Seattle Mariners just signed the Fremont Troll for $45 million over 3 years.

BBVA Compass will drop sponsorship of its namesake Birmingham, Alabama bowl game.
Ironically, despite its name, not many fans could find it each year.

NBC News headline says skiing is pricing itself out of the middle class.
What's next: polo and fox-hunting?

Oak Grove High School - which boasts Brett Favre as its offensive coordinator - won the Mississippi 6A state title.
Favre has scheduled a press conference for Monday on whether he will return as coach or not.

Canada currently is to soccer what Brazil is to hockey.

If you made an All-Star team of this offseason's MLB free agent signings, you'd have the biggest payroll in the game and miss the playoffs.

They're going to have to spend more than $11 million on the World Cup draw if they want to get Canada involved.

Great news for Canadian soccer: they're not in the Group of Death.

This next World Cup won't be the same without vuvuzelas.
I'll have the audio on.

At least Nelson Mandela didn't have to sit through that Knicks-Nets game.

The Spurs-T-Wolves game in Mexico City was cancelled due to smoke.
Apparently, the arena had not been aired out from the Snoop Lion concert the night before.

Texans-Jags or Knicks-Nets Thursday night?
The reason DVRs were invented.

Seattle moved ahead of Mexico City on the list of NBA expansion cities Wednesday night.

The 3-15 Milwaukee Bucks have applied to move to the Atlantic Division.
"We want to be contenders."

The NBA's Atlantic Division is so bad, the Washington Generals would contend in it.

Looks like that stolen nuclear material in Mexico turned up at the Spurs-T-Wolves game.

The Steelers might lose a draft pick in the Mike Tomlin punishment.
Pittsburgh asked if it could be Landry Jones.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford says he opposes the Washington Redskins changing their name.
Soon teams will start changing their names so Rob Ford can't find them and attend their games.

Heat guard Roger Mason and his family were robbed at gunpoint in a Miami restaurant.
They were the worst crime victims in the NBA this season other than Knicks season ticket holders.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said Tuesday defensive lineman Brett Keisel "took a step back" in regards to his foot injury.
That seems to be a trend on Pittsburgh.
I'm expecting a Tomlin bobblefeet doll any day now.
He looked like he was doing the Time Warp out there.

The Seattle Seahawks crowd at CenturyLink Field set a new noise record Monday night.
The Boeing flight test facility phoned in a noise complaint.

Jason Kidd's spilled drink cost him $50,000.
It would have been $5000, but he ordered bottle service at Barclays Center.

Good attendance numbers in the WHL this weekend: 10,146 in Portland and 17,199 in Calgary.
Those are the number of teddy bears that hit the ice.

The Iron Bowl scored a massive 82 share on Birmingham TVs.
The other 18% were watching a Here Comes Honey Boo Boo marathon.

Lady Gaga's Thanksgiving Muppets special was crushed in the ratings by the NFL.
Gaga and Kermit had about as much chemistry as Matt Flynn and the Packers offense.
It ain't easy being green.

Ohio's governor passed an official resolution urging citizens to refrain from using the letter "M" on what he called "Scarlet Saturday" versus Michigan.
Buckeyes fans spent The Game drinking oonshine.

Rogers Santa Claus Parade will move through Vancouver's downtown core Sunday.
The CBC float will be given 1-block of a side alley to use.

A local dealership is offering Michigan fans free cars if the Wolverines defense shuts out Ohio State Saturday.
Big deal; that's why Buckeye players went to Columbus in the first place.

The Oakland Raiders recovered a Dallas fumble on the opening kickoff and returned it for a touchdown.
The Cowboys Stadium faithful had barely parked their bicycles and vegetable oil-fueled vehicles.

The Seattle Seahawks with their 8th substance suspension since 2010.
The last lineup to shuffle this much and keep winning was Guns N' Roses.

Playing the halftime show at the Grey Cup has impacted Hedley's career.
Illegal downloads of their songs have increased in Moose Jaw, Prince Albert and North Battleford.

The New York Knicks are 3-11.
They sent out a reminder to renew tickets for the 2014-15 pyramid scheme.

The Edmonton Oilers Twitter account shared a dramatic picture of an Oilers banner unfurled on the Great Wall of China.
And the Mongol hordes are expected to reach Beijing any day now.

That was the fake Stanley Cup at the NHL news conference Tuesday.
The real one was being used as a punch bowl at the Game Of Thrones wrap party.

I like how the massive new NHL rights deal is "subject to approval by the Board of Governors" in December.
NHL owners would meet at 2am on Christmas morning in Gitmo to rubber-stamp this deal.

Georgia Southern beat Will Muschamp's Florida Gators in The World's Largest Outdoor Job Review.

New York Knicks management banned Woody Allen from the VIP lounge at Madison Square Garden.
Woody wanted to respond by barring them from attending his films, but that self-imposed ban started years ago.

The 50-50 draw at the Grey Cup paid out $252,000.
That explains Stephen Harper's appearance in the stands.

The CFL is serious about exploring the viability of an expansion franchise in Atlantic Canada.
Next week they are going to pitch their idea on Dragons' Den.

Peyton Manning would have lost the Grey Cup game Sunday night.

In the wake of Delivery Man's $7.9 million opening weekend, it looks like Vince Vaughn is about to become a Chicago Blackhawks fan full-time.

Playoff-like feeling to the Canucks-Blackhawks game Saturday night at Rogers Arena.
Especially after Roberto Luongo gave up two goals in 9 seconds in the 3rd period to lose to Chicago.
We've all seen that movie before.
Ernest Goes To The Crease.

The Laval Rouge et Or won their third CIS football title in four years, setting records for rushing yardage and also - with a reported 18,543 in attendance at 12,000-seat Telus Stadium - lap dances.

Going from Michigan-Iowa to Texas A&M-LSU is like watching Avatar following Birth Of A Nation.

The CFL says no names will be released of players available in the upcoming expansion draft.
A secret team of physical freaks being put together under shadowy circumstances?
They should call them the Ottawa X-Men.

CFL commissioner Mark Cohon says player names for the upcoming Ottawa RedBlacks expansion draft will be kept secret and confidential.
This is playing havoc with my mock expansion draft.

MLB's security director is recommending teams install metal detectors at each gate for the 2014 season.
They could never do this in the NFL; it would be the end of Oakland's Black Hole.

Two Newfoundlanders saved a shark floundering in the shallows after it couldn't swallow a large chunk of a moose.
It was the biggest choke job in Eastern Canada since the Leafs playoff against the Bruins.

North Korea has reportedly detained an "older American man".
Vegas oddsmakers have made the favorites Dennis Rodman and Santa.

That opening-drive TD video review in the Falcons-Saints game Thursday night came under more scrutiny than the Zapruder film this week.

The real winner in the Tigers-Rangers trade are Dallas fast food restaurants.

Kendall Jenner, the Kardashians' half-sister, turned 18.
Most analysts expect her to skip college and head directly to the NBA.

Rob Ford's fitness consultant is a convicted steroid trafficker.
He also may have gotten the worst PR of all-time being identified as "Rob Ford's fitness consultant".
Anyone signing up for this guy's training program?
Put that on your resume - like being CEO of Enron.

IOC president Thomas Bach said the anti-doping tests for the 2014 Sochi Olympics will be the toughest yet.
Is this why we've seen so little of the Jamaican bobsled team recently?

Prince Fielder waived at his no-trade clause but missed.

Only the Texas Rangers could find something (Prince Fielder) bigger than the Rockets-Mavs game Wednesday night.

A disgusted A-Rod stormed out of his arbitration hearing Wednesday when he learned Bud Selig would not be testifying.
Sounds like roid rage.

The ACC is suing Maryland for $52 million for heading to the Big Ten next year.
The Terps are 11-27 in-conference in football the last five seasons; no wonder they don't want them to leave.

A Texas-based theme park company is building the world's tallest waterslide.
The terrifying drop ride is named "2013 Houston Texans".

Anger and controversy at the end of Patriots-Panthers Monday night after the referees waived off a flag on the last play of the game.
Remember when you used to be praised for picking laundry up off the floor?

One of Peyton Manning's Papa John's was robbed by armed thieves during the game Sunday night.
It was the biggest heist in Denver since Jorge de la Rosa re-upped with the Rockies.

Ticats coach Kent Austin said it's really hard to make the Grey Cup.
It's an 8-team league and 6 make the playoffs.
The Grey Cup's about as hard to get into as Greyhound's Road Rewards club.

A lot of questions heading into Grey Cup week.
Top of the list: what is the freezing temperature of watermelon?

Toronto mayor Rob Ford showed up for the 2nd half of the Eastern Final, only to see the Ticats go on a 19-0 run to beat the Argos.
He's not used to leaving the house without scoring.

Oregon State beat Maryland in college hoops, moving to 4-0 when the president is in attendance.
14,776 at the game, or approximately the same amount that have been able to sign up for Obamacare.

For the Grey Cup mayoral bet, Hamilton's Bob Bratina is going to put up the dime bag of oregano he just won in the Eastern Final from Rob Ford.

Michigan wisely kicking away from Northwestern's Drone Attack.

Next up on Northwestern's schedule: Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Miguel Cabrera was voted the American League MVP award, despite Mike Trout's major league-leading 9.2 WAR.
Sabermetricians expressed dismay Thursday night when they were contacted in lineups for PlayStation 4.

That Argos jersey Rob Ford was wearing was a #12, a quarterback's number.
Did I miss the Duante Culpepper era in Toronto?

A huge iceberg twice the size of Atlanta has broken off from Antarctica and is drifting north.
Gary Bettman's thinking of holding an outdoor NHL game on it.

Rob Ford in an Argos jersey - has bullying come to the CFL?

Mike Tyson says he was high on drugs for major fights.
Also, for visits to tattoo parlours.

Yankees GM Brian Cashman says Brian Wilson is not a candidate to pick up for their bullpen because of his refusal to shave his trademark beard.
How do the Yankees participate in Movember - Moe Howard bowl cuts?

Denver Nuggets off to a poor start.
Maybe legalized marijuana and a NBA franchise aren't the best mix.

Rutgers football suffered three recruiting decommits in 24 hours.
That's what happens when you hire Snooki as an official weekend visit hostess.

"Archie Manning 71-82" added to the New Orleans Saints ring of honor Sunday night.
Did they have to post his won-loss record?

Multiple sources say Richie Incognito held offensive line meetings at a South Florida strip club.
Now I know he's crazy - I've heard the food there is terrible.

How do we know "Richie Incognito" isn't a shape-shifting terminator sent to L.A. to hunt Jonathan Martin?

Richie Incognito is now in L.A.
Has he rented a white Bronco?

Brigham Young accepted a bizarre bid: to play in the Poinsettia Bowl in 2016 and 2018.
Interesting recruiting pitch: sign with us and it's Christmas flowers in San Diego.

Miami (4-4) at Tampa Bay (0-8) this week on Monday Night Football.
Isn't every day on the Dolphins "Veterans Day"?

The NFL is expected to outlaw rookie hazing dinners, where the players go out for the evening and a first-year guy has to pay a ridiculously high bill.
Restaurateurs around the U.S. will be holding a candlelight protest vigil.

Which Canadian is having a worse week: Rob Ford or Anthony Bennett (1-19 from the floor)?

Crack-smoking by the Mayor of Toronto?
This is shaping up as one hardcore Winter Classic between the Maple Leafs and Red Wings.
Who's doing the anthem - Lindsay Lohan?

Brett Favre set a new personal best 40 time Monday night.
Between Aaron Rodgers injury to racing to his computer to check Craigslist job ads.

Two Oregon Ducks basketball players got suspended for selling team clothing.
Who would buy that stuff: tour wardrobe stylist for Justin Beiber or Lady Gaga?

The MLBPA is investigating Jay Z and Roc Nation for a possible against-the-rules gift to Yankee free agent Robinson Cano.
I guess you could say they're in an inquire state of mind.

"Bernie and Ernie"? Thought this next 30 for 30 was about Sesame Street for a sec.

The Sedins' extensions are the longest in Vancouver since Brent Sopel's mullet.

Good to hear Gary Kubiak is on the mend.
My initial gut reaction - before it registered who it was and it was a serious health issue - was that it might be a promo stunt for NBC's The Biggest Loser.

An Edmonton gas station bathroom was named one of the best in Canada.
I'm surprised it beat out Rexall Place.

Dolphins, Buccaneers...who would have thought the Jaguars would be Florida's most stable NFL franchise?

The Dolphins Richie Incognito won the 2012 South Florida Good Guy Award.
The runner-up was a Colombian drug lord.

The Miami Dolphins went from "not aware of any accusations of bullying" to suspending Richie Incognito in 14 hours.
Who cracked this case open - Ace Ventura?

Columbus, Ohio will host the 2015 NHL All-Star Game.
First the lockout, then the Olympics: it looks like the hockey media's luck has finally run out.

Here's wishing Leaf Dave Bolland a speedy recovery after a leg injury versus the Canucks Saturday.
He's got a bunk bed at VGH and the Sedins have signed his cast.

Super-rare occurrence in the NFL Sunday: no games between two teams with winning records.
Sort of like the NHL's Battle of Alberta.

Friday night irony in Corvallis: the team dressed as highlighters hasn't created any yet.

They're going to have to change the name of The Civil War to The Acid Bowl.

The Sedin twins signed 4-year extensions with the Canucks.
Van Halen's manager drew up the contracts, which means there's a line stating no brown herring on the food table.

The San Francisco Chronicle will no longer refer to Washington, DC's NFL team as the Redskins.
The Minneapolis Star Tribune will no longer refer to Josh Furman as a quarterback.

Blackhawks goalie Nikolai Khabibulin has allowed 10 goals on his last 45 shots faced.
Are opposing teams playing Ronald Reagan's Brandenburg Gate speech in the dressing room?

TSN announced plans to broadcast every Kansas college basketball game this season.
It will be the first thing from Kansas on Canadian TV since The Wizard Of Oz.

Nice to see Jordan Farmar on the Lakers again.
Showtime is back in L.A.

After 15+ years EA Sports is dropping Tiger Woods from the title of its golf game.
It's about time Carl Spackler got his due.

The Raptors and Bucks had to quit because the playing surface was too slippery.
That's the same excuse the Buffalo Sabres are using.

Good thing for the Cards' Allen Craig he got that obstruction call: he was moving from 3rd to home like a three-legged race.
He looked like Jack Nicholson in the hedge maze at the end of The Shining.

China towed away that zombie car covered in ivy.
Wrigley Field wants its old bullpen car back.

For the first night ever in Boston sports history, the Red Sox got more tripping calls against them than the Bruins did.

Roger Goodell says he wants NFL franchises in both L.A. and London.
They could be a significant new source of fine revenues.

NBA owners approved a 2-2-1-1-1 series format for the Finals.
They spent 20 minutes trying to explain it to the Charlotte Bobcats before throwing up their hands and saying "What's the point?"

Kennedy cousin Michael Skakel is getting a new trial for a '70s murder he was convicted of 11 years ago.
From his prison cell in Nevada, O.J. Simpson said if he is let out, too, he'd be happy to assist in the hunt for the real killer.

The Portugal-Sweden World Cup playoff draw ensures either Cristiano Ronaldo or Zlatan Ibrahimovic will be out.
Regardless, grilled sardines will advance.

Kinda sad on the field after the game: Eli handing out discount coupons for the Passing Academy to Freeman.

Day 5 of extreme fog in Vancouver.
The visibility range is Josh Freeman surveying the field.

The Giants and Vikings are a disaster on Monday Night Football.
I've seen better-played preseason CFL games.

Has anyone ever gone from being an instructor at the Manning Passing Academy to a student?

Jim Leyland wants to spend more time with his grandkids.
For Halloween, he'll be giving tours of his haunted bullpen.

What color of smoke coming from Comerica Park signifies the Tigers have found Jim Leyland's replacement?

Russian divers found a five-foot diameter chunk of that February meteorite at the bottom of a murky lake in the Ural Mountains.
That they can find, but there's still no sign of Robert Kraft's Super Bowl ring.

The Rams have discussed signing Tim Tebow.
If he goes to St. Louis while the World Series is on, he'll be rooting against the team that looks like Jesus.

Nice Alex Edler centre ice shot Marc-Andre Fleury let in to open the Canucks-Penguins scoring Saturday.
He looked like Prince Fielder playing first base.

Oregon wore pink helmets against Washington State, and rose awareness about breast cancer and deficiencies in Mike Leach's defense.

LeBron James wants to play a NFL game.
How about Madden 25?

LeBron James says he wants to play one NFL game.
Maybe the Browns can offer him a contract but he can sign with the Dolphins instead.

Celtics great Bill Russell was arrested at Sea-Tac after a loaded gun was found in his carry-on bag.
I guess that finally settles the debate over whether Russell would fit in in today's NBA.

Toughest job in sports right now: Grambling State recruiting coordinator.

Colts owner Jim Irsay said Peyton Manning was into putting up "Star Wars numbers".
Look for the Broncos to be up by two touchdowns Sunday in less than 12 parsecs.

Who sponsors the Tigers bullpen calls - Kingsford?

Torii Hunter is upset the policeman in the Red Sox bullpen didn't do anything to help.
That's okay; at least he wasn't as bad as the firemen in the Tigers bullpen.

Why does the home-plate umpire wear a black dinner jacket?
Do their passes to get into the ballpark say "semiformal wear suggested"?

Baseball players - Red Sox, A's, Brian Wilson - stop with the beards!
You look like a mountain goat at an Arcade Fire concert.

A Vancouver art gallery is prepared to spend big bucks for some Andy Warhol prints of Wayne Gretzky coming up for auction.
You'd think they would know better after the locals' experience overpaying for a facsimile of Mark Messier.

For Halloween, my niece is going to be an Oregon cheerleader possessed by marketing demons.

In NHL disciplinary news, the Canucks Alex Edler was suspended 3 games for Jason Botchford publishing Joe Thornton's comments.

Chicago Bears WR Brandon Marshall wore green shoes on Thursday Night Football to support Mental Illness Awareness Week.
Oregon Ducks cheerleaders will wear green contact lenses Saturday to make us more aware of mental illness in the Oregon athletic department.

Virginia Tech and Tennessee will play a college football game before up to 160,000 on the infield of the Bristol Motor Speedway in 2016.
Will there be a NASCAR race on the track at the same time?

A new book claims Sheryl Crow witnessed her then-boyfriend Lance Armstrong blood doping in 2004.
I knew that morning beer buzz was just a gateway drug.

New York City is looking to regulate costumed characters who wander around Times Square posing for pictures with tourists.
Next up for the committee: investigating 53 men who have been impersonating the New York Giants.

Virginia Tech will play Tennessee at Bristol Motor Speedway in 2016.
The game is expected to draw a record 150-160,000 fans.
Also, the world's biggest DUI checkpoint.

Dennis Rodman sort of got his wish: he's been nominated for the 2014 Nobel Pierce Prize.

The Vancouver Canucks are looking good at 3-1.
Damn; there go all the Club 500 jokes I was crafting.

The Rays walk-off home run Monday night landed in the pool filled with actual rays.
That may be the key to the Diamondbacks avoiding future visiting team pool parties: put a couple sharks in there, or closer to their name, some rattlesnakes.

Controversy over whether Condoleezza Rice should be on the College Football Playoff committee.
C'mon - she has plenty of experience sending young men into physically hazardous situations.

That 9-year-old boy who flew to Vegas unattended put his entire piggy bank on the Broncos at -28.

Authorities are investigating after a 9-year-old boy without a ticket boarded a plane for Las Vegas in Minnesota.
There are also 25 men from Tampa somehow getting into ALDS playoff games without a ticket.

San Diego at Oakland with the late NFL game Sunday night.
Ironically,  the Chargers played like there was a pitching mound in the middle of the field.

Exciting times for college football: we're just a year away from a four-team playoff, and subtitles for Lou Holtz.

The Lotto 6/49 jackpot is $31 million, or roughly what Floyd Mayweather bet on WWE Battleground Sunday night.

The Big Ten games today are so dull the Pacific Life game summary whale beached itself out of boredom.

Alex Rodriguez is suing everyone in baseball except the San Diego Chicken.

Congrats to whoever had Roy over Torts in their first meltdown pool.
That contest didn't last long.
Like a 100-meter dash.

By the looks of the Capitals' goaltending, this may be the only shutdown Washington sees this year.

How is The Presidents Cup going forward during the government shutdown?

Utah looks like they are America's Cup crewmen.

Canadian Supreme Court appointee Marc Nadon now says he didn't mean to imply that he was drafted by the Detroit Red Wings.
That would have been impossible, because he was spending that winter touring as the rhythm guitarist in The Guess Who.

Air Force and Navy will play their football game Saturday, despite the government shutdown.
This is great news for Notre Dame's hope of becoming bowl-eligible.

The Commander-In-Chief Trophy college football game between Air Force and Navy Saturday may be canceled due to the government shutdown.
Suddenly, Notre Dame may need the government to achieve bowl eligibility.

I want to hear Jim Cornelison sing "Black Hole Sun".

The NHL opening night pre-game ceremonies are reminiscent of the ending of The Return of the King.

In their pre-game opening ceremony, the Chicago Blackhawks introduced their massage therapist.
I guess he's hoping for a happy ending.

The U.S. government shutdown could not have come at a better time for President Barack Obama, who is intensifying his research for his upcoming NBA fantasy draft.

The Miami Marlins are selling tickets to their season-ending game, which was Henderson Alvarez's no-hitter versus the Tigers.
This may be the first major league baseball game to sell more tickets after it was finished than before.

The Toronto Raptors are set to host the 2016 NBA All-Star Game.
At the pace things are going, will there be any non-Canadian players on the rosters?

Houston fans burned Matt Schaub jerseys after the loss to Seattle.
Enron thinks that team is a fraud.

Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger finished his degree at Miami of Ohio last year.
He planned to get it sooner, but said Pittsburgh's deep playoff runs prevented him from registering in time for the winter terms.
This might be a good year to get started on a Master's.

Lane Kiffin and Breaking Bad exit on the same day. One is the tale of a wicked man hungry with power, and the other is Breaking Bad.

OJ Simpson got caught stealing cookies in prison.
At least he's after food you don't need a knife to eat.

EA will not release a version of its college football game next year.
Instead, they will debut a new video game franchise: Sim Court, with Ed O' Bannon as the first cover star.

Lots of baseball players celebrating division clinching wins.
Most of them are wearing safety goggles and masks.
Is that really necessary?
You're having fizzy water and sparkling wine sprayed on you, not going scuba diving in nuclear reactor coolant.

Michigan and Michigan State play every fall for the Paul Bunyan Trophy.
To promote the NHL Winter Classic at The Big House, this year they are going to call it The Phil Kessel Trophy.

I'm worried about the drug-testing for the America's Cup.
It's San Francisco: home of BALCO and the Grateful Dead.
You can pick up a false positive just walking up Haight Street.

Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson broke his arm in a car accident when he was "distracted by falling pizza".

"Falling pizza"?!? 

Is this a marketing stunt tied into that Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs movie opening this weekend?

Apparently, no alcohol was involved.

But he did test positive for mozzarella and tomato sauce.

New NHL arena-naming deal: San Jose's HP Pavilion is now The SAP Center.
Are they sponsored by Aunt Jemima?

The Vikings and Steelers are a combined 0-6 and set to play at London's Wembley Stadium Sunday.
These teams have already surrendered - shouldn't this game be in Paris?

The 49ers are struggling.
For the 2nd straight game, Colin Kaepernick posted a passer rating lower than Aldon Smith's IQ.

Wild brawl between the Leafs and Sabres.
The battle of Lake Ontario.
Winner gets a season's supply of antifreeze.

The Bengals beat the Packers in Cincinnati, which means Katy Perry's "Roar" will never be heard again in a football stadium.

Saskatchewan Roughriders fans wear watermelons on their heads.
What if Carrot Top went to a game at Taylor Field?
That's your daily dose of Vitamin A right there.

I know why NFL QB's are doing those ads for McDonald's - so current high school and college players won't be fit enough to take away their jobs when they're older.

Tommy Rees is like a Palestinian rocket launcher - just randomly sailing it into enemy territory.

Arsenal is playing Jeff Spicoli's favorite soccer team this weekend: Stoke City.

Iran's President said to the U.S.: "let's end our rivalry".
Maybe Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick could help broker that.

Jacksonville has less of a chance of appearing in this year's Super Bowl than M.I.A.

X-rays on Browns' QB Brandon Weeden's sprained right thumb were negative and he could be back as early as week 4.
Or as the Browns' AFC North rivals call it: "positive".

The LA Dodgers clinched the NL West title and celebrated in the Chase Field bleachers pool.
A pool party with all guys and no beer, and the Diamondbacks were upset they weren't invited?

The rock group Kiss has been promoting their eponymously-named new Arena Football League team.
Let's hope they don't become a cold sore on the L.A. sporting scene.

Condo neighbours say banging thud noises coming from the Steve Nash Sports Club on Granville Street are unbearable.
At least we know they aren't Nash free throws clanging off the rim.
Imagine living above the Dwight Howard Fitness Gym.

A woman claiming to be Miss Uzbekistan is competing in the Miss World pageant, despite the Muslim country officially stating it doesn't hold a national beauty pageant and has never heard of her.
Found: Manti Te'o's new girlfriend.

Tim Murray, assistant GM of the Ottawa Senators, has a good '90s look going on.
Like a cross between a X-Files character and a founding member of Barenaked Ladies.

Ugly uniform matchup for Bama-Texas A&M.
The only place that color combo ever looked good was a White Stripes concert.

Another Oregon fashion disaster: they look like urine popsicles.

If you go to the Manning Passing Academy, can you ask for a refund if Cooper is your instructor?

The Illinois-Washington game offers the rare possibility of a Soldier Field football game without any Jay Cutler interceptions.

Nebraska is planning a "Blackout" against UCLA Saturday.
Watch for widespread looting of the Cornhusker defense.

The Voyager I spacecraft became the second man-made object to ever leave the solar system, trailing only a Mickey Mantle home run.

Undercover Seattle Police officers will be dressed in 49ers jerseys at CenturyLink for Sunday's game.
Kind of like the Jets had Lavonte David dressed as a Buccaneer last week.

The NHL held its Young Stars tournament in Penticton.
Or as the Edmonton Oilers call it: hockey.
Not very sporting, but the Oilers sent the top six forwards from their roster.

"The Tools of Ignorance": a catcher's equipment, or Vladimir Putin's computer keyboard?

Dennis Rodman will train a North Korean basketball team for a pair of exhibitions in January.
If they lose, I hope he's wearing a bulletproof dress.

The BC Lions have reacquired QB Buck Pierce.
Can Roy Dewalt be far behind?

Eminem did a halftime interview with Herbstreit and Musberger at the Michigan-Notre Dame game.
He had a look on his face that said: "My street cred's evaporating by the second".

Target should sponsor the college football ejections for targeting.

Will it be sixth time lucky for Istanbul bidding for the 2024 Olympics?
They've been at it so long they earlier bid as Constantinople.
And before that, Byzantium.

Tokyo was awarded the 2020 Summer Olympics, which should keep the tradition of incomprehensible mascots alive.
Great potential there for some asexual, Hello Kitty Pokemon creatures.

Madonna said the U.S. should stay out of Syria.
Of course she did: they have a terrible basketball team.

Freshman orientation week went well in the SEC.
New players familiarizing themselves with the local network of banks, car dealerships and tattoo parlours.

A new Canada Post hockey stamp appears to depict Todd Bertuzzi.
It can only be used to mail court summonses.

Cary Williams and Riley Cooper with the biggest Eagles in-fighting since Don Henley and Glenn Frey.

Brian Burke didn't look thrilled to be introduced as President of Hockey Operations for the Calgary Flames.
Was that a press conference or a hostage video?

Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly also said Boston isn't a big college town.

Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly went from saying he didn't consider Michigan a "traditional" or "historical" rival on Sunday, to calling the rivalry "great and historical" on Tuesday.
How was the two-day trip in the DeLorean, coach?

Can you imagine working in the Jets team store?
From Tebow jerseys last year to this.
They're laying off garment workers in China.

Four QBs on that Jets roster now. That's more than the number of Brady Quinn jerseys they'll sell.

The New York Jets signed QB Brady Quinn.
They're off to a great start as Super Bowl hosts, by ensuring they don't take up one of the two spots.

Two men got inside Wrigley Field at 3:45 am by squeezing through metal security bars.
The method of entry led police to rule out Cubs fans as suspects.

Two Phillies fans slipped into Wrigley Field in the middle of the night and tried to steal ivy but were caught by security cameras and arrested.
They were charged with misdemeanour trespassing and disturbing Andre Dawson's sleep.

Luckily, last week I sold all my stock in shark cage companies. I thought this Diana Nyad swim had the potential to pop the shark cage bubble.

The crew on Diana Nyad's escort boat was the starting pitching rotation of Cuba's national team.

The Knicks' J. R. Smith says he's "100% sure" New York will win the NBA title this coming season.
His math is even worse than the execs that structure the Knicks' player contracts.

Diana Nyad has started her latest swim from Cuba to Florida, a stunt she's been attempting since 1978.
People have been trying to do that since 1959.

Lamar Odom was arrested for DUI after police pulled him over for driving too slow.
He was moving so slow in the lane, they thought he was Aaron Gray.

More post-season baseball awards favorites emerging: Don Mattingly, Babysitter of the Year.

Champions League group draws: Arsenal with Marseille, Dortmund and Napoli in the Group of Death.
Bayern with Man City and Viktoria Plzen in the Group of Beer.

Add "Fashion Consulting" to the list of Ohio State Buckeyes football player majors.

Why is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie taking verbal shots at a New York Jets reporter?
Obama would never do that. He'd send in a drone.

Johnny Manziel is going to miss the first half of Texas A&M's opener versus Rice.
It's a noon start - so will most A&M fans.

Team Canada had their practice camp, where they were putting together the best ball hockey squad in the world.
Strong leadership on this team: Duncan Keith has emerged as the guy who yells "Car!" and "Game on!".

ESPN has finalized a deal to pay the Little League World Series $60 million over eight years for broadcast rights.
That's a lot of pizza and ice cream.

The Luongo interview even had bonus footage that was released.
They were that close to releasing it as a DVD, but we'd already seen the bloopers.

TSN's Roberto Luongo interview was broken up and stretched over three parts.
Drawn out like Peter Jackson adapting a Tolkien novel.

Louis Vuitton has won over my loyalty from Prada by sponsoring the America's Cup.
The next time I'm faced with a purchasing decision between the two, I'm thinking: "And what world class yacht race have you title-sponsored lately, Prada?"

A poorly-promoted post-sporting event concert in South Africa left singer Brandy performing in a 90,000-seat stadium in front of 40 people.
It's like doing the anthem at Marlins Park.

Much fanfare surrounding Ichiro's 4000th hit, which includes his Japanese league stats.

We're counting everything now?!?

Dock Ellis...5000 hits...Hall Of Fame!

New Canucks coach John Tortorella says Roberto Luongo's mental state is a non-issue.
Well, new league rules say the straitjackets have to be slimmer fitting this season.

Viewers were pointing out that Tim Tebow wasn't going to get a drive in against Detroit.
The only drive he's likely to see at this point is to the airport.

Terrell Owens is suing his former agent, Drew Rosenhaus.
I need Terrell's spokesperson to tell me how many reasons he has to sue him.

The Montreal Alouettes announced QB Anthony Calvillo suffered a concussion versus the Saskatchewan Roughriders and is currently resting at home with his great-grandchildren.

A-Rod says he's done talking about non-baseball topics.
Oh, great - I was looking forward to his review of The World's End.

The NFL called the Bears' Jon Bostic's hit on the Chargers' Mike Willie "spectacular", then fined him $21, 000.
Coming up next: automatic fines for any defensive play that makes Sportscenter's Top 10.

A few members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins refused to attend their White House reception Tuesday.
They said they were too nervous waiting to see if the last few unbeaten teams in the preseason would lose.

The Russian women's gold medal-winning relay team said their celebratory kiss was not intended as a protest against controversial new anti-gay laws.
Nor was the flag-raising during the medal ceremony when instead of the national anthem they played Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out".

Broncos linebacker Von Miller is listed as a potential witness for the sentencing phase of a Denver bar multi-murder trial.
He needs to find some new watering holes: if they're not stabbing people, they're slipping PEDs into your drinks.

Maria Sharapova wants to legally change her last name to Sugarpova for the U.S. Open to promote her candy company.
Jimmy Connors would probably suggest Strychninepova.

Caroline Wozniacki defeated Peng Shuai at the New Haven Open, ironically after she rearranged courtside chairs and tables.

Paulina Gretzky and Dustin Johnson announced their engagement amidst rumours they got a pet monkey.
She's just carrying on a family tradition.
Her dad had Dave Semenko.

Word is Ryan Braun wants to "distance himself" from Alex Rodriguez.
Considering A-Rod's batting stats since his return, I'd recommend anywhere on the basepaths.
That's where his teammates go to get away from him.
Avoid dugouts and dog houses.

This A-Rod vs the Yankees medical records battle is headed down a dark path: Sportscentre with Sanjay Gupta.

Baseball's heating up. Should be an amazing September. A-Rod's medical records versus the Yankees medical records.
Maybe the saberphysicians can break it down for us.

Not a good sign: Tim Tebow's passer rating Friday equaled Bluto from Animal House's GPA.

What would happen if the Manchester United players weren't all on the same page?

Reports say members of Alex Rodriguez's inner circle outed other baseball players for using PEDs.
What is going on in New York?
It might be time for Carmelo Anthony to make another anti-snitching video.

Lots of colleges are banning autographs at their spring games and fan days.
Makes sense in the SEC, where half the players can't spell their name in crayon, anyway.

North Vancouver's Grouse Grind was named one of the 10 Most Dangerous Hikes In The World by Outside magazine.
Amongst the dangers: spilling your latte.

Roberto Luongo posted that the tires on his car were stolen out of his driveway.
Hey, look at the bright side: maybe they were taking them away to pump them up.

President Obama has invited the 1972 Miami Dolphins to the White House for an upcoming visit.
The timing is a bit strange - maybe he just wants some help with his Fantasy Football draft.

Amar'e Stoudamire has applied for Israeli citizenship.
Is this the first step in the master plan to relocate Madison Square Garden to Tel-Aviv?

The Russian Olympic Committee says it will punish any athletes who show support for LGBT rights while at the Sochi Winter Olympics.
There go the figure skating outfits.

Tiger Woods: we haven't seen anything fade on weekends like this since the release of After Earth.

Responding to criticism, Toronto mayor Rob Ford said he had "a couple of beers" at a street festival Friday night.
Apparently, fall QB practice for politicians is underway.

A-Rod is making history chasing down Willie Mays and Pete Rose on the all-time homers and time suspended lists.

After the A's Josh Reddick hit 5 home runs in two games versus Toronto, Blue Jays manager John Gibbons said: "His home runs have been down this year, but he seems to be picking it up."
Once he's relieved of his managerial duties, Gibbons may have a future as an analyst.

Where is Greg Norman at Oak Hill?
I thought he had a lifetime exemption for all tournaments played on courses whose names sound like wineries.

How bad was Phil Mickelson's round Saturday at the PGA Championship? He failed to shoot the temperature.

The Detroit Tigers finally released Jose Valverde from his Triple-A contract.
Jim Leyland gave that guy more farewell tours than The Who.

Doug Gilmour, GM of the OHL Kingston Frontenacs, traded his son Jake to the Niagara IceDogs.
Somewhere, Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson are smiling.

A Virginia man set a world record when he caught a 17-pound, 6-ounce "Frankenfish", or northern snakehead.
He said he could barely fit the fish into his cooler.
Right. But as the afternoon wore on, more space opened up between the Miller and the Bud.

Ohio State coach Urban Meyer has banned all practice visitors from wearing blue shirts.
Sounds like a trick to keep the police away.

'N Sync's Lance Bass will Executive Produce an anti-brainwashing documentary.
I just hope there's a de-programming scene with Vikings WR Greg Jennings.
I guess by "anti-brainwashing", 'N Sync is against tens of millions of impressionable young people around the world spending money worshipping false idols.

CBS Sports said Manti Te'o was largely invisible in his NFL debut.
Hunh. Just like his girlfriend.

I hope Johnny Manziel puts a sharpie in his sock for his next rushing touchdown.

Star Trek actor George Takei wants to move the 2014 Winter Olympics from Sochi to Vancouver.
Are we going to have the flag from the United Federation of Planets marching in the opening ceremony?

David Ortiz says he doesn't know how he failed a drug test in 2003.
Hey, there's a hotline he can call for info: 1-800-ROID-RAGE.

The Timberwolves Shabazz Muhammad was kicked out of the NBA's Rookie Transition Program after he was caught with a young woman in his hotel room.
Wait a minute - I thought the whole point of this thing was to prepare for life in the NBA?

A-Rod will guest star on an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

Lots of controversy this week after a pro athlete was called the N-word.
Needle-user.

A-Rod's minotaur painting was just deemed a forgery.

I'm putting a Johnny Manziel-signed toga from the Texas frat party up on eBay.

Texas A&M stands for "autographs & memorabilia".

If they face any suspensions, the Blue Jays hope to get their players back in time for free agency.

The Buffalo Bills' Kevin Kolb suffered the latest in a series of mysterious accidents when he stumbled on a wet and slippery rubber mat at practice.
In related news, a day earlier EJ Manual signed an endorsement deal with Slip 'N Slide.

Jonathan Ogden, Larry Allen and Warren Sapp were all inducted into the Pro Football Hall Of Fame together.
It was the greatest night in the history of Canton, Ohio catering companies.

Tough ultimatum by MLB to Alex Rodriguez: 214-game suspension, or no suspension but has to play for the Cubs.

It was cool that Jose Iglesias homered in his second game as a Tiger, but did he have to dedicate it to all the girls he's loved before?

President Obama played a birthday weekend round of golf Saturday and then headed to Camp David.
I'm glad he could find time to get away and unwind. He needs to rest and focus on his upcoming fantasy football drafts.

The Women's British Open at St. Andrews was postponed a day due to high winds.
They're just lucky no Loch Ness Monsters got swept up in the storm.

Greg Oden signed with the Miami Heat.
Don't most old people in the U.S. retire to Florida?

A-Rod says he wants baseball to "get PEDs out of the game".
This is like Pete Rose trying to abolish gambling.

"Biogenesis" sounds like Chapter 1 of a L. Ron Hubbard novel.

Alex Rodriguez and MLB are trying to reach a deal on the length of his suspension.
150 games was a floated number, but the Yankees don't think that is long enough.

Russia has banned "gay propaganda".
There goes figure skating.

There is no excuse for Riley Cooper's actions.
I can't believe he attended a Kenny Chesney concert.

The NFL is eliminating the AFC vs NFC format from the Pro Bowl beginning in 2014.
Bud Selig is confused: how will they determine who gets to be the home team for the Super Bowl?

Notre Dame has a new policy banning large handbags and knapsacks from games, but head coach Brian Kelly will continue to bring lots of baggage into the stadium.

Chinese authorities want Macau to shed its lingering reputation for seediness and corruption.
To achieve this, they are promoting boxing cards.

The Hall Of Fame Game: sort of like the Pro Bowl, but only with players from two teams.

Another Mariner on the cover of August's Mariners Magazine.
Almost less cover subject variety than The Oprah Magazine.

No convictions in the Huntington Beach, California surf riot, as the jury hung twelve.

Unhappy with an umpire's balls and strikes, Red Sock David Ortiz destroyed a dugout phone with his bat.
"If I'm not getting calls, then no one is!"

Texas A&M Heisman winner Johnny Manziel was thrown out of a University of Texas frat party Friday night.
Who holds frat parties in July?

A photo was released that appeared to show Aaron Hernandez holding a gun.
Another surprising photo shows Philip Rivers holding onto a football.

New York's city council gave Madison Square Garden 10 years to move, but the New York Times Building gets to stay?

Cowboys Stadium has been rechristened AT&T Stadium in a huge naming rights deal.
And you thought the Super Bowl power outage was bad; watch what happens to your cell phone coverage in Arlington.

Reports say visitors to Biogenesis in Miami also included NBA players.
Yeah, but they only went cause they thought it was a nightclub.

The Florida Gators removed a brick at their stadium that honored Aaron Hernandez's 2009 All-American status.
Ironic, considering it was probably a dispute over a brick that started the whole incident.

Andrew Bynum said he's never really played in a supportive NBA city.
Is he looking for a title or a 12-step program?

Former major leaguer Robert Fick admitted to using steroids twice in his career to recover from injuries.
Time to put an asterisk next to those 69 career homers and .258 batting average.

NHL players will compete in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi.
So will NFL players - in biathlon.

Some eye-popping 40 times coming out of the Ohio State Buckeyes summer workouts.
Of course, they were being chased by investigators.

LeBron James has a personal, 24-hour DJ.
When does he sleep?

The Chicago Cubs got the go ahead for $500 million in renovations to Wrigley Field, the most extensive since 1988 when they became the last team in the majors to install lights.
At the top of their upcoming list: flush toilets.

Braylon Edwards is joining the Jets for the third time.
This is the most repeat performances in New York since Billy Martin.
Or "Cats".

So they named the royal baby.
I was hoping for Rogers Nelson or Fielder, but no dice.

The University of South Carolina athletic department is looking into contact between star DE Jadeveon Clowney and Jay-Z.
Cock Nation to Roc Nation?

Whoever was runner-up for the 2011 NL MVP was *this* close to taking over ceremonial duties for the rest of the year.

It's official: NHL players will compete in the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi.
Unfortunately, it will be in short-track speed skating.

No hockey bags for the players in the NHL's new Metro division.
They will carry their equipment in murses.

Hey, even Peyton Manning has missed a morning session at the Manning Passing Academy.
He was filming a commercial.

Michelle Obama with a message at the ESPYS.
Barack was busy - Wednesday is his bocce night.

Why did World Peace have to leave L.A. the same week as the Zimmerman verdict?

A reporter in Florida got a leaked 2013-14 Panthers schedule.
Couple of interesting things: a 20-day break in February during the Winter Olympics,
and a team banquet/end-of-season party the day after the regular season ends.

All-Star Game scorecard = Jackson Pollock painting

I'm just glad the integrity of the Home Run Derby is intact and they didn't have to resort to a swing-off.
Let's not turn that thing into a circus.

Yoenis Cespedes won the Home Run Derby and a National League starting pitcher won the Sacrifice Bunt Contest.

Golf legend Gary Player called Muirfield one of the world's great courses ahead of this week's Open, while lamenting the fact that Scotland's climate forces him to wear more clothes than he'd like.

Canada lost to Martinique 1-0 in soccer.
It's not even a country - it's an overseas region of France.
It's an island in the Lesser Antilles.
Thank goodness we didn't play an island from the Greater Antilles.
There's no telling what might have happened.

NBA.com posted a gallery showing the 30 finalists for the next Orlando Magic cheerleading squad.
Apparently, they're even tanking the dance team.

Baron Davis claims he was recently abducted by aliens near Las Vegas.
Is Sam Cassell coaching Summer League?

Jay-Z is trying to get Yasiel Puig to be the first person to immigrate from Cuba to Roc Nation.

PETA is upset after a Miguel Cabrera home run landed in the Tampa Bay Rays outfield pavilion touch tank.
Hey, it could be worse - at least Tropicana Field's domed roof protects the animals from a sharknado.

I wonder if Roberto Luongo is trying to get the KHL to put an expansion team in Jacksonville?

Ilya Kovalchuk: first 30-year-old to retire since the dot-com bubble burst.

I can't believe Justin Bieber touched the Stanley Cup Wednesday.
That's like when your mortal enemy in high school went out with the girl you love.

Ole Miss shooting guard Marshall Henderson has been suspended indefinitely for violation of team rules.
What - he didn't accept booster money?

Whichever league has the most players suspended in the Biogenesis scandal will host WrestleMania 30.

The NBA fined the Lakers $29 million and the Heat $13.3 million in luxury tax for last season's roster salaries.
All proceeds from the fines will go to dance squad/cheer team plastic surgeries.

Monday

Honduras-Haiti underway.
Hope it can match the grandeur of Canada-Martinique.

Monday

Soccer: Canada lost to Club Med 1-nil.

Sunday

Kevin Durant got engaged to WNBA star Monica Wright.
John Calipari sent his congratulations and requested first look at the sonogram.

Sunday

6-4, 7-5, 6-4: Wimbledon final result, and Yao Ming's 3-on-3 team.

Saturday

Manitoba: the provincial animal is a beer snake.

Friday

The NFL's offseason has seen more arrests than a season of Cops.

Friday

The 34th America's Cup is officially underway. Racing starts on San Francisco Bay Tuesday.
As per tradition, the opening ceremony was presided over by Christopher Cross.

Thursday

The big winner in the Bruins-Stars trade may ultimately be real estate agents.

Thursday

Joey Chestnut broke his own record by scarfing down 69 hot dogs in ten minutes to win Nathan's annual Fourth of July contest.
It's visuals like those that we'll miss now that ESPN is shutting down its 3D division.

Wednesday

Bittersweet irony for Seattle: the Arizona Coyotes are now named for guides who move people to start a new life.

Wednesday

Vancouver Canucks fans are giving GM Mike Gillis worse reviews than The Lone Ranger.

Tuesday

MLB suspended the Tigers Rick Porcello 6 games for throwing at the Rays Ben Zobrist.

I refuse to believe Porcello has that much command over his pitches.

The Vancouver Canucks two first-round picks are named Bo and Hunter.
If nothing else, they've gained Ted Nugent as a fan.

It's being billed as the 100% certified drug-free Tour de France, but someone forgot to test the organizers and team bus drivers.

A Dallas-area restaurant chain has offered Dwight Howard free chicken fingers for life if the free agent signs with the Mavericks.
Zach Randolph wants to know if that's a limited-time offer.

Good to see that truck driver from the Skagit River Bridge collapse found new work: driving the Orica-GreenEDGE team bus at the Tour de France.

Martin Brodeur will grace the cover of EA Sports NHL 14, narrowly winning the honour over Chris Chelios and Rocket Richard.

The New England Patriots ProShop is offering a free exchange on #81 Aaron Hernandez jerseys.
Next weekend, fans can trade it in and receive a #85 Chad Ochocinco jersey.

Anthony Bennett: the first Canadian to hit #1 since Justin Bieber.

Corey Crawford dropped two F-bombs in his speech at the Blackhawks victory parade.
They were the least offensive bombs dropped by a Chicagoan this year.

Someone posted a photo of Patrick Ewing receiving a Knicks Starter jacket after being picked 1st overall in the 1985 draft.
He must have been cold from being near that envelope.

Aaron Hernandez sure rents a lot of vehicles.
Boston-area car salesmen: step your game up!

Aaron Hernandez was released by the Patriots Wednesday.
The Bengals and Vikings are bidding for his services.

The Serena Williams-Maria Sharapova feud continues.
Apparently, they were both seeing the same primal scream therapist.

Will this be Texas' worst pass since Kyle Orton was starting for the Cowboys?

Spanish authorities said they are looking into Lance Armstrong's doping network.
Way to be on the cutting edge of that investigation.
Next they will investigate rumours of drug use at Woodstock.
Hey, Picasso used drugs; better take down those paintings.

WDIV-NBC in Detroit aired a fireworks show instead of Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals.
No such either/or on CBC; that's what Don Cherry's jackets are for.

$10,000 worth of alcohol went missing from a U.S. Open hospitality tent at Haverford College.
First mistake: storing booze on a college campus. Second: hiring John Daly as security guard.

Shocker at Wimbledon: Rafael Nadal got knocked out by a ball boy.

It's like Mike Gillis and Glen Sather went to a fishbowl party.

For his next stunt, Nik Wallenda is going to traverse the chasm between the Philadelphia 76ers and Andrew Bynum's contract negotiations.

Jim Leyland wanted to start Mariano Rivera in the All-Star Game.
That's nothing - he wants Jose Valverde to finish it.

The New England Patriots worked on their two-minute drill during minicamp.
Unfortunately, it was house cleaners.

Hockey Canada and the CHL will host the 2015 and 2017 World Juniors in Montreal and Toronto.
No word yet on whether teams will be allowed to bring their own goalies or be assigned Canadian ones for the tourney.

The Detroit Tigers designated Jose Valverde for assignment, but would like to keep him in the organization if he clears waivers.
IF he clears waivers?
Like D.J. Stephens dunking over Verne Troyer.

David Stern handed out his last Larry O'Brien Trophy. Starting next year, it will be presented by Neil Patrick Harris.

News from college football's endless facilities arms race: the University of Alabama is installing a waterfall in its locker room.
The water source will be the tears of Nick Saban's SEC recruiting rivals.

Corey Crawford?

I haven't seen glove work that shoddy out of Chicago since Leon Durham.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye have reportedly named their daughter Kaidence.
Who's the godfather - Roger Clemons?
I thought they were going to name it World War K.

The University of Notre Dame is releasing its own perfume for fall football season.
Oil of Lennay.

America's most elusive search: Jimmy Hoffa's body or the Blackhawks power play?

The 100th Tour de France is starting June 29th on Corsica and features 100% certified drug-free competitors.
The island will be the site of the first three stages for the 8-rider field.

A report said Dustin Byfuglien weighed 302 pounds at the end of Winnipeg's season.
He actually gained weight during the season.
It's a good thing the Jets missed the playoffs; there's no telling what might have happened.
His weight combined with his hefty contract have made him "untradeable".
The good news is the Blue Bombers have added him to their protected list.

It was odd enough that the NHL announced some major award winners at 5:30pm on a Friday, but by a town crier in Times Square?

Allen Iverson has been accused by his ex-wife of kidnapping their five kids and keeping them in a Georgia hotel room.
Well, he does have a history of kidnapping the ball from teammates.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft claims Vladimir Putin stole his Super Bowl 39 ring when he was in Russia in 2005.
Not too surprising - Putin looks like he's related to Gollum.
We'll see if Lyudmila goes after all the jewellery in the divorce.
This could be the biggest fight over sports memorabilia since O.J. led SEAL Team 32 into that room in Vegas.

Another misstep by the Quebec Soccer Federation: they just banned all Benihana chefs from the pitch.

The Phil Mickelson U.S. Open commentaries had more red eye content than a reggae festival.

The Dodgers and Diamondbacks will open the 2014 MLB season in Sydney, Australia.
It will be a joint event with Wrestlemania 30.

Rumours are heating up again about the possibility of the Coyotes leaving Phoenix for Seattle.
That would be the most significant relocation to the Emerald City since Eddie Vedder moved up from San Diego.

The NFL announced a new rule banning purses from inside stadiums.
In retrospect, Chad Johnson fell out of the league just in time.
Ochocinco travels with more props than Carrot Top.

Patrick Kane with the worst playoff beard ever.
Looks like an Amish cub scout.
Or an extra from Whoville in The Grinch.

Tim Tebow signs with the Patriots.
My Father's sideline has many benches.

The WNBA debuted the Ref Cam, a wearable device on the right side of the head.
It's sort of like Google Glass, except there's no computer and it's hard to see through the glasses.

South Florida deputies rescued an endangered Key Deer Sunday that had a large Doritos bag stuck over its head.
How did they know it wasn't just a Marlins fan?

The Sochi Olympics torch relay got underway with an early start at the French Open.

The U.S. Open golf tournament takes place this week in Pennsylvania.
The Pro-Am day field was just filled out by the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Surfing's World Championship Tour is on the island of Tavarua for the Volcom Fiji Pro.
The island chief's son actually made it through the trials and into the main event, only to be knocked out by 11-time world champ Kelly Slater.
Thus giving Slater a chance to be the first surfer to win a contest *and* be served as a course at the awards banquet.

Tony Bosch of Biogenesis reminds me of Mike Damone in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.

Wisconsin basketball announced an August 24 game in Toronto versus the Canadian national junior team.
Great: Canada finally gets together an elite collection of players and now they're all going to get banged up.

The Toronto Raptors are thinking of changing their team name.
OSEG (Ottawa Sports and Entertainment Group) has suggested RedBlackSilvers.
No one except the NBA's next commissioner likes that idea.

The big question on A-Rod's alleged use of PEDs is: why did his supply run out at the end of every September?

I don't think even the fish could save Pittsburgh at this point.

Maria Sharapova and Victoria Azarenka made the French Open quarterfinals.
Production Sound Mixers from the adult film industry are racing to Paris with their recording equipment.

The city of Miami is so nervous about Game 7, no one can sleep today.

Keith Richards hasn't had that much influence over a sporting event since he celebrity refereed a Quidditch match.

The Blackhawks and Kings had to play back-to-back days over the weekend because of a Rolling Stones concert at the United Center tonight.
The Stones are trying to appeal to a younger demographic by booking Jim Cornelison as their opening act.

Jose Valverde is like the bullpen version of a piñata.
Only the people swinging the sticks aren't blindfolded, and when he's hit candy doesn't fly everywhere but home runs.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, who is 0-for-24 lifetime in major league at-bats, is campaigning to get into the Home Run Derby.
That could work, if Tigers closer Jose Valverde is pitching to him.

Who thought Miami's "Big Three" would turn out to be LeBron James, Chris "Birdman" Andersen and a Burmese python?

Ohio State president Orville Redenbacher has been expressly warned after getting into hot water once again over remarks he made, this time offending Catholics and the SEC.
One more slip-up and Urban Meyer might fire him.

Ottawa's new CFL team will likely be called the RedBlacks.
That's gotta be confusing for the Washington Redskins.
They're all like: "Why is everyone upset with our nickname? They say reds *and* blacks."

Ottawa's CFL team will be named the RedBlacks.
RedBlacks and Gee-Gees...why did Ottawa hire Sesame Street as their football branding consultants?

For this next round of the NHL playoffs, Ohio State president Gordon Gee slips into the guest chair operating the LA Kings Twitter account, replacing Sergio Garcia.

Soccer is like 6th-grade dating; it's not all about scoring.

The Rangers fired head coach John Tortorella.
The New York Post's Larry Brooks gave him a lift to the airport.

Dwyane Wade took out the Pacers Lance Stephenson in Game 2 with a flying elbow to the temple.
Later, Wade announced he's changing his name to World B. Floored.

Driver Marcos Ambrose said running over that loose camera cable during the Coca-Cola 600 at Charlotte Motor Speedway "was like getting attacked by a giant squid".
It's great when people make analogies to experiences they couldn't possibly know anything about.
Like a NASCAR fan claiming their sport is as addictive as meth.
Oh, wait a minute...

Suddenly, Rob Ford's drop-back fall at that Grey Cup press event makes more sense.

Hockey Canada bans bodychecking at the peewee level.
Hopefully this extends to parents in the stands.

Indiana Pacers broadcaster Mark Boyle blasted Miami fans for leaving AmericanAirlines Arena down 3 near the end of the game Friday night, saying "they don't deserve any team".
I don't know; if you go by that reasoning, you could make a case they deserve the Panthers, Marlins, Dolphins and Hurricanes.

Great Champions League Final.
Next match: Bayern vs New York Red Bulls/FC Dallas winner for the world title.

The Memphis Grizzlies' Tony Allen was fined $5000 for flopping under the NBA's stronger new postseason rule.
But the best part is it happened on an arm-tug foul by Manu Ginobili.
That is like Yoda and Luke master-apprentice level irony there.

Jonathan Toews spent the 2nd period in the penalty box Thursday.
There hasn't been a captain get that long a time-out since Mutiny On The Bounty.

The 49ers Michael Crabtree might be out for the season after getting injured at Tuesday's OTA.
Apparently, OTA stands for "Oh-oh, torn Achilles".

Was Sergio Garcia operating the LA Kings Twitter account Tuesday night?

Nice try: John Calipari tried to get Kentucky into the NBA Draft Lottery.

Rough bit of karaoke in Saskatoon at the Memorial Cup Saturday. Botched Star-Spangled Banner.
The singer has returned to her day job as Rob Ford's PR spokesperson.

Yahoo is buying photo-sharing website Tumblr for $1.1 billion.
That's the same value as the New York Knicks, but they haven't figured out sharing yet.

The Knicks Jason Kidd in the playoffs: I haven't seen that many zeros since Vince Young took the Wonderlic test.

The Charlotte Bobcats are changing their name back to the Hornets.
Marketing move or witness protection program?

Rumors are the Vancouver Canucks will be after Raffi Torres yet again this summer.
So the headhunter becomes the headhunted.