The Spengler Cup seems to act as some sort of annual therapy session for European hockey players to take out their frustrations against "Team Canada".

Canada lost in the semi-finals of the Spengler Cup; named after Harold Ramis' character in Ghostbusters, Dr. Egon Spengler.

New Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh tripped on the way into his introductory press conference.
That's a long tradition in Wolverines football going back to Gerald Ford.

The Baltimore Ravens head of security was charged with a sex offense.
Irony meters hit Alanis Morissette levels.

World Juniors: Denmark beat Switzerland in a shootout to win the traditional goat piñata filled with cheese.

When Lou Holtz retires, he will be made into a plant sprayer and a pair of snakeskin boots.

Ndamukong Suh, space cadet: That's one small step for a man, one giant blow to the Lions playoff hopes.

Suspension or fine for Ndamukong Suh for stepping on Aaron Rodgers?
A double discount on his next check would have been appropriate.

The Olympic men's hockey team was named Canada's 2014 Team of the Year by the Canadian Press.
Another loss for the Oilers.

Rumours erstwhile Ohio State starting QB Braxton Miller may transfer to Duke.
Unfortunately, when they transfer his Ohio State class credits to Duke, he may find himself back in high school.

What kind of odds could one have gotten from Vegas the past few months that the Cleveland Browns starting QB at the end of the season would be Connor Shaw?

That Gustav Nyquist 28-second possession game-winning OT goal was spectacular.
Al Gore wanted to know who got credited for the assist.

Ohio State's offensive coordinator said 3rd-string QB Cardale Jones "started acting like a man" once he inherited the Buckeyes starting job.
What does that mean: he registered for a class?

Kentucky's student manager has turned up in the 2nd round of some mock NBA Drafts.

Jack Eichel = Napoleon Dynamite with shorter hair.

On Christmas, the Longhorn Network showed 5 hours of the Texas mascot Bevo walking around eating grass.
I'm pretty sure the SEC Network did that with Les Miles.

Barack in Hawaii: the only thing anyone saw James Franco kill on a screen this week was my fantasy football team. 3 INTs!

The NFL said there won't be a team in LA for the 2015 season.
That's too bad, because London was already trying to move the Jaguars there.

Legendary Dodgers announcer Vin Scully temporarily lost his 1988 World Series ring while shopping.
I didn't realize Vladimir Putin was in Los Angeles.

At the rate the 49ers are going, Michigan may be the only ones who want Jim Harbaugh by the end of the year.

UCLA forward Kevon Looney wants a rematch with Kentucky, despite a blowout loss that saw the Bruins down 41-7 at the half to the Wildcats.
He probably won't get that, but he may have just gotten a nickname: The Black Knight.

Great to hear Lou Holtz refer to the Albuquerque game as the New Methco Bowl.

In the wake of recent events, I guess we can expect to see Dennis Rodman cast in the next Expendables sequel.

Gabriel Madina became Brazil's first surfing world champion and the beach at Pipeline on Oahu's North Shore turned into little Brazil.
All that was missing was leftover, under-used World Cup stadiums.

President Obama's favorite running back growing up was the Steelers' Flacco Harris.

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps got 18 months probation for his DUI.
A judge denied his request to be sentenced to Sea World.

Postmedia News reported Jeff Tedford agreed to be the new head coach of the BC Lions after spending five nights in a Surrey hotel this week.
He's the first person ever to spend five nights in a Surrey hotel that the RCMP haven't wanted to talk to.

New Detroit Tigers outfielder Yoenis Cespedes drives a Lamborghini that spits flames from the exhaust pipes.
The explosion of fire doesn't faze Tigers fans who are used to watching the Detroit bullpen.

The Alouettes Chad Johnson left a $300 gratuity on a $352 restaurant bill.
That's an ochenta y cinco % tip.

Johnny Manziel became the 21st starting QB for the Browns since 1999.
Cleveland changes QBs like Sony Pictures is going through IT guys.

Horrible fall for University of Michigan football and basketball.
You know it's bad when the only Wolverine team ranked are the winemakers at Charles Woodson's TwentyFour, which landed at #58 on Wine Spectator's year-end Top 100.

New KHL marketing slogan: "At Least We Don't Have The Mumps".

Russia's economic crisis is affecting the KHL.
It's never a good look when your ice refinisher is pulled by a yak.

A junior hockey game in Wisconsin was marred last weekend when a malfunctioning zamboni leaked carbon monoxide into the arena and caused players and fans to experience nausea, dizziness, vomiting, headaches and fainting.
In other words, an average home game at Rexall Place.

USAToday.com had an article titled "The 8 Most Ridiculous Hats Carmelo Anthony Has Ever Worn".
None crazier than the Knicks idea that he could somehow be the leader on a contending team.

The NFC South's ineptitude has made for some unique promo spots: "Monday night, the Saints have their sights set on the NFL playoffs, and/or one of the top draft picks."

NFL Sunday Night Football has lost to Walking Dead 5 of the past 8 weeks.

Coincidentally, the NFL's version of the walking dead, the San Francisco 49ers, have lost 5 of the past 8 weeks.

Army and Navy combined for 114 yards passing.
Safe to say the modern military is a little more focused on the aerial attack.

Marcus Mariota became the first Oregon Duck to win the Heisman Trophy.
The Joey Harrington Times Square billboard may have its balls drop on New Year's Eve.

The White Sox signed Melky Cabrera to $42 million over 3 years.
The average MLB salary last year was just under $4 million.
Did they think they were signing Miguel Cabrera?

A trucking company employee made off with a big rig full of $1.5 million worth of LeBron James 12 sneakers before he was busted.
It's the first time someone with LeBron's shoes has been caught traveling.

Heisman Trophy winner Marcus Mariota had an amazing season at Oregon.
And had more costume changes than a Lady Gaga concert.

Dallas Stars owner Tom Gaglardi was given a hefty fine for  wrecking a Kamloops-area fish habitat.
With the Stars coming to Rogers Arena this Wednesday, Canuck mascot Fin must be nervous.

I went to the annual BC Lions Locker Room Sale and picked up a couple of shoulder slings and an energy drink cooler full of broken dreams.

The Knicks have joined in with the activists' movement.
They are wearing shirts that say "I Can't Shoot".

Magic Johnson said he hopes the Lakers lose every game.
He should become a Knicks fan. He'd be a lot happier.

Roger Goodell was one of 8 finalists for Time magazine's Person of the Year, which was awarded to the Ebola fighters.
Goodell immediately placed the Ebola fighters on his suspended list.

Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez was caught off guard by his head football coach Gary Anderson leaving the Badgers for Oregon State.
Alvarez hasn't been this surprised since his son tried to cook a parrot in a microwave for Thanksgiving.

LeBron James put his hand on Kate Middleton's shoulder.
As usual, no whistle.

An "I Can't Breathe" scarf would be a big holiday seller, and make more anatomical sense.

That LeSean McCoy 20-cent tip on a $61.56 bill from September had a resurgence on Facebook.
I'm amazed a NFL player could add those two numbers together.

Germany's Mario Goetze auctioned off his World Cup-winning left boot and raised $2.5 million for charity.
He had to keep the right one to leave by his door for Santa.

Of course the NHL's going to end up in Vegas: look at the commissioner's last name.

Sports Illustrated named Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner its Sportsman of the Year.
It was the second time in two months a magazine broke the Internet with a mad bum.

The Jets Evander Kane was suspended two games for giving a hit to a Stoner.
Stop enabling those people!

The Ottawa Senators fired head coach Paul MacLean.
At least he will get to spend the holidays back with his walrus herd family.

The Chargers Manti Te'o intercepted the Patriots Tom Brady.
It was like Brady was communicating with a receiver that wasn't even there.

Jeremy Lin says it's difficult because there is so much going on with the Lakers all at once right now.
You know things are bad when you pine for the stability of the Knicks.

How funny are college football's four playoff teams when Oregon is the model student?

The Duck Commander Independence Bowl in Shreveport, Louisiana December 27 features two 6-6 teams: the Hurricanes and Gamecocks.
Sounds like a men's survivalist retreat.

NFC South = CFL East

The Women's World Cup mascot looks like the love child of Pierre the Pelican and Larry King.

What a week for New Jersey: first Snooki removed from the dating pool, then NJIT upsetting Michigan.

The Arizona Wildcats with the biggest Silicon Valley flop since Webvan.

George Parros announced his retirement.
Seems appropriate now that Movember is over.

The Denver Post named some possible candidates to replace Colorado State head coach Jim McElwain, saying hiring recently fired Michigan head coach Brady Hoke "would make a splash".
Only if he jumped in a pool.

Baltimore defensive tackle Haloti Ngata was suspended 4 games for PEDs.
Congratulations: that automatically makes him the Ravens' Humanitarian of the Year.

Chicago Blackhawks goalie Corey Crawford is out two weeks after injuring his foot at a concert.
Insurance agents are checking to see whether twerking was involved.

Mexico extended national team soccer coach Miguel Herrera to four more years of emotional outbursts and ill-fitting suits.

The Buffalo Bills have ended their Toronto experiment.
The franchise has not, however, ruled out playing more home games in Detroit.
Check your local weather forecasts.

The Arizona State University Sun Devils will become the 60th Division I hockey team starting in the 2016-17 season.
The Coyotes better watch out or they may find themselves the second most popular team in the state.

The last thing Brady Hoke heard through a headset was Dark Side of the Moon.

Florida State QB Jameis Winston appeared before a student code-of-conduct panel.
He had never experienced anything like that before.
It was like a test or defending a paper.

Adidas unveiled the 2015 NBA All-Star Game uniforms.
In a fitting tribute to host city New York's basketball history, the clothes will go on sale in January, and turn up in thrift stores come March.

The Rams beat the Raiders 52-0 and the wrong team got criticized for their display of non-violent resistance.

It was Rivalry Week in college football. Lots of old foes battling over obscure regional trophies.
One of my favorites: Maryland versus Georgetown for Monica Lewinsky's Dress.

Oregon versus Oregon State in the annual Civil War.
Also known as last call for recycled Halloween costumes.

Mickey Rourke made a pro boxing comeback in Russia, getting online buzz by beating an opponent 33 years his junior.
Don't the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?

What are the prop bet odds in Vegas of the Vikings signing Ray Rice and the Ravens signing Adrian Peterson?

Levi's Stadium is the most technologically advanced venue in the NFL.
The monitors were providing real time, in-game updates Thursday night of the 49ers plummeting playoff chances.

The CFL is partying like its 1999, by giving away unsold Grey Cup tickets to Canadian Forces members.

Seahawks: Is this the first time in NFL history a team has won consecutive games 19-3?
Where was the Elias Sports Bureau when we needed them Thursday night?
In a tryptophan coma.

A Rio de Janeiro judge denied a request from prosecutors to halt construction of the Olympic golf course because of environmental concerns.
The Brazilian judge said the only reason he would stop the golf course is if someone wanted to put in a soccer pitch instead.

Ironic that a Coast Salish dance troop helped usher in the arrival of the Grey Cup, a trophy symbolic of the winners in a game of territorial possession.

The Oilers have 7 losses in a row, or as they are called in Edmonton: McDavids.

Vancouver: putting the grey into Grey Cup Week.
Hey, guess where they shot Fifty Shades Of Grey?

The Bills now have as many wins in Detroit (2) this season as they do in Buffalo.

Bills beat the Jets 38-3 in Detroit.
Ford Field fans were confused by a team in blue scoring so many points.

Carmelo Anthony is making VC plays in tech.
His strategy is to make a ton of investments and hope a few hit.

If Pacquiao-Mayweather gets made, Jerry Jones says he'll bid aggressively to have it front of 100,000 at AT&T Stadium.
I'm sure he'll be a cornerman, too.

Personally autographed prints of Odell Beckham's catch versus the Cowboys were on sale the next day.
I didn't think anything could get signed faster than that Pablo Sandoval contract.

When I heard Jameis Winston shoved a ref, I assumed there was a shoplifting incident at Foot Locker.

Calgary and Hamilton in the 102nd Grey Cup.
Big oil versus Tim Hortons coffee: two energizing black liquids people put into their cars.

The Toronto Maple Leafs post-game stick raising is back.
New sponsor: Cialis.

The Knicks beat the 76ers in a game that was of great interest to fans of the NBA Draft lottery.

The Raptors led the Bucks 101-57 after three quarters Friday night.
If the NBA wants to experiment with shorter games, they missed a great opportunity there.

Word is that everyone in the state of Kentucky would think a Wildcats NCAA basketball title is a fait accompli, if they knew what that phrase meant.

Holiday season is approaching. Thanksgiving in the U.S.
Anticipation is building for the Secret Santa draw in Jack Johnson's household.

Is the Prince Albert Raiders new hockey mascot a Little Mistake On The Prairie?

College football: North Carolina upset Duke 45-20, which resembles some of their pre-shot clock basketball game scores.

Blue Jackets defenseman Jack Johnson is bankrupt.
I can't believe the Florida Panthers outlasted him.

Jameis Winston told Florida State officials that his autograph on memorabilia sold online was forged.
Of course it was - it wasn't written in crayon.

The NFL says the Jets-Bills game will go ahead Sunday, despite record snowfalls in upstate New York.
That's OK - Buffalo fans are used to feeling trapped in Ralph Wilson Stadium.

Lots of analytics in hockey these days. Advanced stats.
But I like the basics, too.
I'm always amazed they keep track of Empty Net Goal leaders.
Think about it: "I'm really good at scoring when there is no goalie.
I also shoot 65 when playing solo rounds of golf, and I won a boxing match when the other guy didn't show up for the fight."

The snowstorm is the best publicity Buffalo has received since they were losing Super Bowls every year.

Kentucky's average height is taller than every NBA team except one.
Analysts are still comparing average salaries.

Apparently, many of the Jameis Winston autographed items sold on eBay were forgeries.
Forgeries?!? Who is ripping off Winston's fans?
Please tell me it's the seafood manager from Publix.

A Saskatchewan couple received a $1 million hospital bill after their baby was born prematurely in Hawaii.
To pay it off, they said they will have to cut all expenses out of their life except for their Roughrider season tickets.

The Maple Leafs lost 9-2 at home to the Predators.
Phil Kessel said he was available for the media, but no one wanted to talk to him.

The Niagara women's basketball team was stuck on their bus in a Buffalo snowstorm for 24 hours.
A hoops squad hasn't been surrounded by that much white powder since the 1980s New York Knicks.

Knicks, Lakers, T-Wolves, 76ers: The Final Okafor.

They should rename it "Talla-NO-hassee".

The Green Bay Packers throwback jerseys look like Dr. Seuss's Thing One and Thing Two if they were sponsored by Ikea.

"Defector" is the story of how Alexander Mogilny escaped Russia to play in the NHL.
"Infecter" is the story of when Mark Messier played for the Vancouver Canucks.

The DEA is investigating NFL teams' use of painkillers.
Drug #1: Oakland Raiders.

The Oakland Raiders were eliminated from playoff contention, a traditional sign that American Thanksgiving is approaching.

Florida State has given Jameis Winston permission to delay his sexual misconduct hearing until December 1st; which he'll then get out of because - hey - it's December exams.

Adrian Peterson failed to show up for a NFL disciplinary hearing Friday.
I guess he'd rather switch than fight.

The Arizona Wildcats kicked a 47-yard FG on the last play of the game to beat Washington, after the Huskies called a timeout at the last second before a first attempt that missed.
Ice doesn't work in Arizona.

Which is a longer winning streak for Florida State: 26 games on the field or all their court cases?

Tons of empty seats in Hawaii for their NCAA hoops opener Friday night.
Apparently, Arkansas-Pine Bluff doesn't travel well.

The NCAA basketball season opened with #1 Kentucky playing Grand Canyon.
Don't miss other exciting, early season matchups such as Duke versus Mount Rushmore and Kansas versus Old Faithful.

The Chicago Bears' Brandon Marshall offered one of his Twitter followers $25,000 to fight him.
I bet we won't hear about this bout until Floyd Mayweather posts a pic of his winnings on social media.

Superagent Scott Boras says the World Series should be played at a neutral site.
Awful idea, but if it moves forward, Wrigley Field is available in late October.

The Miami Marlins are discussing a 10-12-year, $300M contract with star OF Giancarlo Stanton.
I hope the terms of that deal will be okay with Montreal.

Jose Canseco said galactic beings have used comets as star taxis for eons, and they are the key to our species survival.
Proof that Uber is the greatest threat to humanity, and reality is the greatest threat to Jose.

Jose Canseco outlined the plot for Interstellar 2 on Twitter.

Christian Brothers beat Memphis 74-70 in an exhibition opener, completing a basketball-liquor sweep.

You know the bell is tolling for Bernard Hopkins when Connor McDavid throws the biggest punch of the week.

Ducks goalie depth chart: 1. Frederik Andersen, 2. Jason LaBarbera, 3. Kim Kardashian facing the net.

The Devils' Cory Schneider with 6 games in 10 days.
He had a busier work week than the agent for the Too Many Cooks killer.

Qatar's 2022 World Cup bid was cleared of all allegations of bribery or wrongdoing, by the independent investigator: Captain Louis Renault, prefect of police in Casablanca.

According to a study by KOMO News in Seattle, CenturyLink Field is selling watered-down beer.
We saw replacement refereeing in Seattle; is there now a brewery lockout?

Kobe Bryant broke the record for most missed shots in NBA history.
Time, however, is on Carmelo Anthony's side.

Midweek: Canadian teams on top of the league standings in NHL (Canucks), NBA (Raptors) and CFL (Stampeders).

Southern restaurant chain Waffle House has pledged free waffles and hash browns for a day to fans of the Auburn-Georgia game winner.
Whole Foods has responded in the Pacific Northwest by offering fans of the Oregon-Oregon State winner free local, organically-grown, kale salad.

The 49ers were talking to Richie Incognito.
To avoid publicity, Incognito checked into a Santa Clara hotel under an assumed name.

Michigan State AD Mark Hollis said they are thinking of adding outdoor heating to the student section.
Fans can donate their couches Fridays before 5pm.

Mark Newhouse crashed out of the World Series of Poker in Vegas.
That's what happens when your shades make you look like the frontman for The Buggles.
Nevada killed the gambling star.

Seattle Sounders: still sponsored by first generation Xbox.

The NCAA is investigating point-shaving allegations against Florida State QB Jameis Winston, whose friend allegedly won a $5000 bet when Louisville was leading FSU at the half.
This is the same friend that invented Winston's seafood shopping bag shirt.

The good news for Bernard Hopkins: he lasted 12 rounds in his title fight last Saturday night.
The bad news is he missed his bedtime.

The CBC scandal got Moxy Fruvous songs stuck in my head again.
Just when my brain had finally gotten to the point where "The King Of Spain" meant the winner of a soccer club match between Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi.

The Raiders can't move to San Antonio, because between oil wells and the George W. Bush Presidential Library, they already have enough black holes in Texas.

Nike terminated Adrian Peterson's endorsement contract, saying child abuse is so 1990s.

NHL COO John Collins says sponsored jerseys are coming.
How about an inhaler company?

The Maple Leafs' Carter Ashton says he used someone else's inhaler.
Whose: A-Rod's?

Star Wars 7 got a title: The Force Awakens.
Vancouver Canucks beat writers have been sitting on that headline for a Zack Kassian story for two years.
Instead, he's remained The Phantom Menace.

Free agent pitcher Troy Patton was suspended 80 games for amphetamines, his third offense.
His ERA was 5.14 this past season.
How high does the ERA have to get before the performance enhancers are called career enablers?

Chicago unveiled their great-looking 2015 Winter Classic jerseys.
Biggest surprise was the Blackhawks letting Brandon Saad be captain for a day.

The Cowboys and Jaguars were in England this weekend.
Jerry Jones took in the Manchester United-Crystal Palace match at Old Trafford Saturday, and went down to the sidelines to tell Louis van Gaal what to do.

Hawaii set a new record low for voter turnout in Tuesday's general election.
What did you expect? There was a nice 4-6 foot northwest swell.

No jail time for Peterson, unless you count November to January in Minnesota.

It's ironic, after all that, Adrian Peterson will end up with the equivalent of an after-school detention and a dock in his allowance.

If Las Vegas gets a NHL team, I hope they are called the Roadrunners so they can develop a real rivalry with Arizona.

109 days until pitchers and catchers report...for drug testing.

Anaheim goalie consultant Dwayne Roloson had to suit up for the emergency backup role Sunday night.
A lot of people assumed it was because of the southern California traffic, but the game was in Colorado, which actually is faster to get to.

Is it okay to have 4 teams from the SEC West in the playoff?

The Detroit Lions sent C.J. Mosley home from London and suspended him for two weeks for marijuana use and disabling a hotel smoke alarm.
Mosley and the NFLPA have filed a grievance with the league, asking that future overseas games be played in Amsterdam.

The LA Lakers got off to an 0-4 start.
Things are so bad, for Halloween Jack Nicholson wore a paper bag over his head.

Cowboy QB Tony Romo bought Louis Vuitton luggage for all his offensive linemen.
Isn't that a sign you're about to be released or traded?

Which is more susceptible to subjective, drama-filled decisions: high school dance committee or college football playoff committee?

Washington Redskins CB DeAngelo Hall re-tore his Achilles while getting a late night slice of pizza.
Wait, did he tear it getting the late night slice of pizza, or celebrating getting the late night slice of pizza?

Michael Bay thought the Cavaliers opening night was over-the-top.

With that kind of aim, I guess Jose Canseco's going to be a stormtrooper for Halloween.

Carmelo Anthony made a creepy guest appearance on Sons Of Anarchy Tuesday.
And in the Knicks season opener the next night.

Before the Cavaliers lost their opener to the Knicks, 95-90, LeBron James said: "This is probably one of the biggest sporting events that is up there, ever."
Yeah, I'd put it right up there between a Pro Bowl and WrestleMania IX.

What is closer to extinction: the Florida Panther, or fans of the hockey team?

Against Madison Bumgarner, the Royals hitters swung the bat like Shelley Duval in The Shining.
She swung the bat 42 times in that staircase scene; about how often it took KC to get a hit.

Good news: the Chevy representative who presented the World Series MVP award was named the favorite in the next Toronto mayoral race.

The Broncos fan who disappeared from Denver's Sports Authority Field during the Chargers game Thursday night was found safe after 5 days.
Usually when someone goes missing from there it's Peyton Manning in the playoffs.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter said he hopes one day the World Cup is an interplanetary competition.
That must be why Qatar is hosting: to prepare for conditions on Venus.
Talk about your group of death.

I like it when sports media or a football preview mag has a story on the Broncos and they use a photo of Peyton Manning.
Oh, so that's what he looks like.

Amar'e Stoudemire says he's not sure why he's coming off the bench.
Dissension on the Knicks?!?
Must be the opening of the NBA season.

Alabama boosters bought Nick Saban's mansion and paid off his mortgage.
The sharecropping system lives again.

Taylor Swift attended a New York Knicks practice and posed for photos with players upon the release of her new album, 1989.
Which, coincidentally, feels like the last year the Knicks were in contention.

The Redskins defeated the Cowboys in Texas.
The opposite of history.
Dallas should have used the syphilis play.

The Buffalo Sabres will retire Dominik Hasek's #39 jersey in a ceremony in January.
No one will ever wear #39 again for Buffalo, nor would anyone ever want to wear #39 for Buffalo.

Jian Ghomeshi likes it rough?
Don Cherry says: good Canadian kid!

After he got traded from the Seahawks to the Jets, Percy Harvin said he was looking forward to taking it to "the next level".
I didn't realize he was such a big fan of the NFL draft.

Detroit suspended DT C.J. Mosley for two weeks and he became the second Lion sent home from London.
England hasn't seen this high an attrition rate on a tour since Spinal Tap.

The huge hole in the flag during the US anthem before Game 3 symbolized the top four in the Giants batting order.

Good to see the U.S. is improving its geography knowledge.
The Lions may win by default at Wembley Sunday, as the Falcons released an infographic that appears to show them headed to Spain's Costa del Sol.

Mark Messier selling hockey to Vancouver Canucks fans is like Bono selling anti-spamware to Mac users.

Renee Zellweger had the most radical makeover since Pierre the Pelican.

Who expends more calories during the course of a game: a Royals relief pitcher or a fan at Kauffman Stadium?

The Utica Comets have a longer home sellout streak than the Vancouver Canucks.

Bruce Bochy's voice sounds like a Big Lewbowski character.
A cross between John Goodman's Walter Sobchak and Sam Elliott's The Stranger narrator.

Buffalo drew 10,000 for a junior game between Erie and Niagara.
They may become the first city to upgrade from the NHL to the OHL.

Harold Reynolds has been voted off the island of Venezuela.

Two San Francisco radio stations banned Lorde's "Royals" from their airwaves for the duration of the World Series.
Kansas City radio responded saying they wouldn't air any songs by They Might Be Giants, only it wouldn't affect their playlist.

Cowboys RB Joseph Randle landed an underwear endorsement deal after his shoplifting arrest.
The NCAA has warned Jameis Winston to stay away from Red Lobster.

Peyton Manning broke the NFL career record for TD passes.
Maybe now he can get some commercial endorsements.

Fans and police clashed in Morgantown after West Virginia upset #4 Baylor.
Both sides were clamouring for the last table at Cracker Barrel.

Alabama beat Texas A&M 59-0.
So much for all the people who said Johnny Manziel was a "distraction" in college.

The Canucks sellout streak ended Saturday night, October 18th versus Tampa Bay.
What is it with Florida teams and attendance problems?

Florida State said Friday there is no evidence Jameis Winston was paid for the 2000+ items he signed for a memorabilia company.
If true, it will be the lowest monetary return on an autograph since Carrot Top was at that auto show.

Madison Bumgarner chugged six beers at once during the San Francisco Giants NLCS celebration.
See what MLB is depriving kids on the east coast of with their night game start times?

The Seahawks giving away Percy Harvin for free means the 12th Man moves up the depth chart.

The Bruins led the Habs 3-2 late in the second period when someone started flashing a green laser pointer at Tuukka Rask.
Rask said he didn't see it - just like the next three Montreal goals.

Milan Lucic taunted Montreal fans with a mock Stanley Cup raise; as if to say "you've only won 24 of these".
The penalty box sponsor was appropriate: UGG.

Kentucky is ranked #1 in the preseason agents college basketball poll.

The Lakers Steve Nash hurt his back "moving bags".
Uh oh; I wonder if he's going to cut a deal with his fitness clubs and Costco.

Barry Bonds threw out the first pitch before Game 4 of the NLCS in San Francisco.
Afterwards, his clubhouse leather recliner tested positive for needlepoint.

The NBA is experimenting with shorter games.
Or, as the Milwaukee Bucks call it, the Mercy Rule.

Cowboys running back Joseph Randle arrested for shoplifting cologne and underwear in Dallas Monday.
He had to wait until he got back from Seattle because they don't sell either one there.

Who had a worse week in hockey: Henrik Lundqvist or Scorch?

MLS, trying to shed its image in America as a Euro sport, switches beer sponsors from Budweiser to Heineken.

The St. Louis Rams put on a 1999 party for their fans on Monday Night, rolling back hot dog and beer prices 15 years and wearing retro colors.
Unfortunately, the team played like it was 2009.

Phil Jackson said Spike Lee knows nothing about basketball.
Sounds about right; he's spent years watching the Knicks.

Of course Jameis Winston signed autographs for money.
How else is he supposed to raise legal funds?

#1 Mississippi State, #2 Florida State, #3 Ole Miss.
Is this the college football poll or a moonshine competition?

Police at the Eagles-Giants game last Sunday night were looking for a missing leg.
And you thought that was just a Detroit Lions problem.

The Florida Panthers home opener attendance of 11,419 was the lowest in franchise history.
That's fewer that Dade County police nab in a free football tickets arrest warrant sting.

Lou Holtz is proof that talking to plants helps them grow.

Big ratings for the ALCS Game 1.
Most acclaimed TV broadcast out of Baltimore since The Wire.

One of Charlie Strong's "core principles" is no guns.
Further indication he won't last in Texas.

Georgia fans filed a petition for the White House to pardon star running back Todd Gurley.
I'm guessing that will depend if he's on Obama's fantasy team.

On the next CSI: Jameis Winston goes on a date with Todd Gurley's memorabilia dealer to a seafood restaurant.

The camera work by the NHL refs is good.
But Kelly Sutherland says what he really wants to do is direct.

The NFL announced Katy Perry as the Super Bowl halftime act.
That could have kind of a retro flavour: many fans will be rooting for both audio problems and a wardrobe malfunction.

The new NHL Ref Cams are great.
They provide a new angle for reviewing close calls, while simultaneously picking up 2nd unit footage for The Tooth Fairy 2.

Chinese TV has banned stars who take drugs or visit prostitutes.
So much for American sports leagues' growth in Asia.

Colin Kaepernick was fined by the NFL for wearing Beats by Dre headphones.
No music - he was just trying to drown out Jim Harbaugh.

Chris Pronger is joining the NHL's Department of Player Safety.
Joining him as player rep on the Fair Play Committee will be Brad Marchand.

The Detroit Tigers "Call to the Bullpen" is sponsored by Kingsford Charcoal.

Gamers are complaining that NBA 2K 15 is unplayable.
Stop using Raymond Felton of the Knicks as a point guard.

I like the San Francisco Giants versatility.
They can beat you with steroids; they can beat you with chardonnay.

Has Luis Suarez bitten anyone yet this season?
He's probably not playing Halloween weekend for religious reasons.

FIFA officials inspected the BC Place turf ahead of the 2015 Women's World Cup.
Probably hoping to find some lucky toonies or loonies hidden in the carpet.

Ex-Biogenesis chief Tony Bosch had his bail revoked after failing two drug tests.
He forgot Tony Montana's first rule of Drug Club: don't get high on your own supply.

USA Swimming suspended Michael Phelps six months after his latest DUI charge.
Phelps will be missing the 2015 world championships, indicated he needs to spend time outside of party environments, and hopes to see everyone in Rio.

There were so many Houston Texans fans in Cowboys Stadium Sunday, the Dallas sideline had trouble hearing Jerry Jones calling plays.

It's down to Almaty, Kazakhstan versus Beijing to host the 2022 Winter Olympics.
Kazakhstan is billing itself as "the world's largest landlocked country".
Who is chairing their bid committee, Sacha Baron Cohen?

A man running in an inflatable bubble was rescued off the coast of Florida.
I bet it was Will Muschamp.

The LA Kings will have their names engraved on the Stanley Cup by the Kardashians' nails.

No headset; just a jolly guy clapping on the sideline.
Michigan basically has a mascot as head coach.

Stephen Hawking says he can't wrap his head around the Detroit Tigers bullpen ERA.

The Oregon Ducks got a costly celebration penalty late in the Arizona game.
They were praying to Phil Knight.

2013 MLS champs Sporting Kansas City visited the White House this week.
They weren't invited; but like everyone else these days, they just went in anyway.

The Ottawa Senators just signed one of their ice girls to a 7-year contract.

The Washington Nationals hid Jayson Werth garden-gnomes all over the D.C. area, and whoever finds the 6 autographed ones wins tickets to game two of the NLDS.
Just what the White House security detail needs right now: a frenzied scavenger hunt.

The Oregon Ducks wore some pink Thursday night versus Arizona to raise awareness of garish, weekly uniform changes.

Matthew McConaughey met with the Texas Longhorns football team during practice.
The next day, half of them tested positive for traces of marijuana.
Call it the Ross Rebagliati Effect.

The chance that Brady Hoke is Michigan's coach next season is lower than Bluto Blutarsky's grade point average.

The NFL Draft is now set for April 30-May 2, but it's still unknown if Jameis Winston will free fall in a green room in Chicago or Los Angeles.

North Korea leader Kim Jong-un has been hospitalized with two broken ankles.
That's on Rodman's coaching!
Why did he have him guarding Chris Paul?

Did LaRon Landry really think he was fooling anyone with the PEDs?
Did you see his photos?
For Halloween, he's going as The Thing from Fantastic Four.
Total cost of costume: zero.
Or whatever a weekly supply of Andro is worth.

Colts safety LaRon Landry was suspended 4 games for violating the NFL's PED policy.
Maybe he can use the month off to film Over The Top 2 with Stallone.

Washington sold expired beer at FedEx Field last Thursday night during their blowout loss to the New York Giants.
Or, as they like to call it, "fire water".

Michigan lost the Little Brown Jug to Minnesota for just the second time in 24 years.
If you thought the Wolverines were under performing so far, wait until dehydration sets in next game.

For all the opposing teams honouring him, Derek Jeter still gave out more departing gifts over his career than he received.

New LA Clippers owner Steve Ballmer is banning Apple products from the organization.
Players will have to listen to music on Zunes.

Canada missed the cut at the Ryder Cup again.

"We'll be back with more commercials, but first a quick break for a couple of Ryder Cup shots."

Packers at Bears Sunday. Epic tailgating. Sell your kale stocks.

Charlie Strong is off to a rough start at Texas.
Things are so bad, the Longhorn Network is showing reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Derek Jeter: 20 years with one team.
He is the model of commitment.

AC/DC is coming out with a new album December 2nd.
It will be released by automatically being downloaded into every stadium and arena's music library.

Some Packers fans are blaming girlfriend Olivia Munn for Aaron Rodgers' slow start.
I don't think it's fair to throw Rodgers under the succubus.

The Vancouver Sun regretted a photo caption and on Wednesday morning sent an apology to Anson Carter.

The Canucks-Sharks preseason game resulted in the most photos coming out of Stockton since the location scout for Dead Man on Campus.

If Derek Jeter announced he was coming back for one more season, would he have to give all the gifts back?

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti Te'o will miss several weeks after he fractured his foot against the Bills Sunday.
He will be reevaluated to make sure it's not all just in his head.

If the Jacksonville Jaguars try to move to the United Kingdom, England may hold a referendum and vote No.

Toronto Argonauts vice-chairman Pinball Clemons lost his Grey Cup ring after he tossed it into the BC Place crowd for some fans to look at.
When did Vladimir Putin start attending CFL games?

The Jacksonville Jaguars sent a letter discouraging fans from standing at games.
Don't expect any EverBank Field concerts with Kanye West.

They say all the football controversies are burying coverage of baseball's pennant races to page 4 in U.S. sports sections.
MLS news is hidden in the Word Jumble.

Increasing levels of pressure on NFL defense: Red Zone, End Zone, Thirty Mile Zone.

Speculation the Vancouver Canucks may open the season with three goalies.
Maybe they can synch up their schedule on RosterBot, and provide an extra netminder to Lower Mainland teams.

Starting pitcher Anibal Sanchez will throw a simulated game for the Detroit Tigers on Sunday.
That means he will throw the equivalent of 6-7 innings, and then the bullpen will come in and blow it.

On the Goodell press conference: I thought it was Talk Like A Pirate Day, not An Iraqi Information Minister.

Roger Goodell said: "I got it wrong on a number of levels."
Shouldn't the guy running the NFL have a better grasp on things than me playing Halo?

Atlanta 56 Tampa Bay 14. The Buccaneers post-game interviews at midnight Eastern Time were a cruelly ironic way to begin Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Jameis Winston always mentions adversity multiple times in interviews after each time he gets in trouble.
He probably thinks that's his team: the Florida State Adversity Seminoles.

The ongoing misadventures of Jameis Winston at Florida State.
He makes Johnny Manziel look like Kurt Warner.

Tom Brady posted his resume online?
I figured any Michigan Wolverines doing that this week would have been coaches.

The good news is they are letting women in to St Andrews Golf Club.
The bad news is it's to staff a Tilted Kilt sports pub.

There was a "yes" vote in Scotland Thursday.
Fortunately, it was at The Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews, where they will allow female members for the first time ever.
Imagine being on the losing side of both ballots.
"Oh well, we still have haggis."

Interesting timing on the Vikings' announcement at 2AM Eastern.
We haven't seen a football press release at that hour since the Frankfurt Galaxy, or Rhein Fire.

Adrian Peterson can't participate in any Vikings team activities?
Does that include prostitute boat parties?

Michigan has looked so bad early, coach Brady Hoke spent halftime of the Miami game setting up his profile on LinkedIn.

Ray Rice, Terrell Suggs...Ray Lewis wasn't kidding when he said he was a big influence on younger Ravens.

A friend in Oklahoma City tells me he attends Edmonton Oilers farm team games.
I thought Edmonton was the farm team.

If you break it down, the Haka is a combination of the Macarena and YMCA.

U2 batted .500 this week.
They let Apple distribute their new album, but trusted the NFL to release their new video.

Rogers new ad for its west coast NHL package features Mark Messier.
What happened: they couldn't get Brad Marchand?

Calgary finally got one of those outdoor winter games.
Unfortunately, it was street hockey in early September.

Reports say the NFL was sent the 2nd Rice video last spring.
Apparently, it drew even less viewing interest than The Expendables 3.

That is the most requested elevator video since Aerosmith.

Ray Rice is being removed from Madden 15...and added to Resident Evil.

The Kansas City Royals won on Derek Jeter Day in Yankee Stadium.
The win was instantly called one of the greatest of all time, without any statistical facts to back up the claim.

Nice pic from Angel Di Maria's EPL press conference.
When I saw it, my first thought was: Man United signed Bat Boy?

LeBron James was at the Ohio State-Virginia Tech game to try to sell recruits on becoming Buckeyes.
Unfortunately, "take your talents to Columbus" doesn't have the same ring to it, unless you're a tattoo artist or a car dealer.

FIFA ethics investigator Michael Garcia has submitted his report into alleged corruption in the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bids.
FIFA officials said they'll read the report just as soon as they return from their month-long vacation at an all-inclusive resort in Qatar.

Carmelo Anthony said he wants to brand himself as "THE digital athlete".
Sorry, Melo, the digital athlete of the week was Browns linebacker Chris Kirksey, depicted in a Madden 15 glitch as a 14-inch tall Tennessee Titan.

Detroit rookie Eric Ebron, one of 12 NFL players battling on "GQ Style Wars", says he "does not like to dress like other people".
Obviously; he enjoys putting on a Lions jersey.

Lou Holtz addressed Notre Dame's team Friday.
Did they have team-issued ponchos?
Seeing Holtz speak in person is like going to a Gallagher show.

Team USA blew out the Dominican Republic at the FIBA World Cup in Spain.
Little known fact: the Dominican team are the same guys from the baseball World Cup.

The search continues for an albino cobra in LA.
Is this a Lakers free agent target?

The Idaho at Florida football game was declared a "no contest" due to inclement weather, which is exactly what it would have been if they had actually played the game.

Let me get this straight: the Broncos Wes Welker got suspended four games for taking ecstasy laced with amphetamines at the Kentucky Derby?
Maybe someone slipped it into his Mint Julep.

Michael Sam winding up in Texas is like Rick Perry being elected mayor of San Francisco.

Re Sidney Crosby: wait - false information came out of Ottawa?

I'm not sure what was leakier last Saturday night: the B.C. Place roof or the Whitecaps defense.

Quite the early morning marathon at the US Open.
Not sure about Milos Raonic's "Tetris meets Charlie Brown on acid" shirt.

Mariners catcher Jesus Montero was suspended after he threw an ice cream sandwich at a scout while rehabbing at Single-A Everett.
At this rate, the next thing he's throwing inside a ballpark may be a bag of peanuts.

I don't think all-white is a good look for West Virginians.

Alabama beat West Virginia at the Georgia Dome in the Deliverance Bowl.

It took Hamilton so long to finish Tim Hortons Field it was renamed Burger King Field before it opened.

The Miami Heat's Dwyane Wade and his fiancee, Gabrielle Union, announced they're getting married in a castle.
Bouncy castle or White Castle?

The White Sox hosted Star Wars Night Friday.
Unfortunately, it was the first one with more blaster fire outside the stadium than within.

Freshman Purdue offensive tackle Corey Clements reportedly came in at 6'8", 431 lbs.
No 40 time, as he can only go 30.

Kenny Hill is so serious about replacing Johnny Manziel as Texas A&M's QB, he spent halftime at a pool party.

Michigan AD Dave Brandon says networks were fighting over his school's football opener against Appalachian State.
SyFy versus Al Jazeera?

The NFL wants fantasy football added to school curriculums.
It's already offered as a major in the SEC.

The NFL announced new player punishment guidelines for domestic violence.
1st offense: 6 games; 2nd offence: you're an opening act on Chris Brown's next tour.

ESPN apologized for a report on Michael Sam's showering habits.
What's next: Luis Suarez's flossing ritual?

What's going on with Manchester United?
It's not the team many Americans grew to know and love over the past couple months.

The 49ers removed turf at Levi's Stadium for the second time in a week after players kept tripping over divots.
Maybe it was the earthquake this time.

USC is at Stanford on September 6. No doubt the Stanford Marching Band is practicing Van Halen's "Jump".

You just know one of these meathead NFL coaches - like Jim Harbaugh - after their first big win of the season and Gatorade shower, are going to nominate three others.

TSN expanded from two channels to five.
Ice Fishing inches ever closer to a profession.

Saskatchewan Roughriders beat BC Lions in the George Zimmer Bowl.

Johnny Manziel has more hand signals than Marlee Matlin.

Every time Michael Sam sacks Johnny Manziel, a TMZ Sports intern gets his wings.

They're already replacing part of the turf at the 49ers new Levi's Stadium.
Wow - they go through more grass than the Steelers.

Mo'ne Davis only lasted 2 and 1/3 innings in her latest Little League World Series start.
The Sports Illustrated cover jinx strikes again.
Nevada was mo betta.

The NHL announced change in its draft lottery starting next spring: instead of 25%, Buffalo has a 20% chance of winning.

The Cubs blew a game after their grounds crew failed to center the tarp over Wrigley Field's diamond.
It was the worst rollout since Windows ME.

The Canucks Young Stars tournament begins September 12, and for the first time in years, they'll be able to ice more than one squad.

The Cleveland Browns QB competition is moving forward at about the same pace as the CFL East race.

The NFL is reportedly asking potential Super Bowl halftime acts to pay to perform.
Maybe they should do the same with Manziel?

The Ottawa Redblacks revealed their throwback, June-style jerseys.

New LA Clippers owner Steve Ballmer gave out his e-mail address at a wild pep rally Monday.
Teenage Clipper fans asked: "What is e-mail?"

Solution to the NFL's "no dunking" rule: every time Jimmy Graham scores a touchdown he has to hand the ball to Steve Nash.

Shark Week ended with the closing ceremony.
Scott Boras extinguishing the flame.

Buffalo will host the NHL scouting combine the next two years.
If prospects are eating out in Buffalo, expect fastest skate times to drop.

Preseason NFL penalties: I haven't seen that many flags on a field since the Olympic opening ceremony.
More fabric than the merch tent at Coachella.

One of Notre Dame's four suspended football players said: "I write my own papers".
Did he mean "roll"?

Notre Dame Football academic scandal brewing. It stretches back 4 years and may include sex with tutors.
Manti Te'o wants to know if phone sex counts.

Sharks kill 10 people annually; hippos kill 2,900.
When is Hippo Week?

In a shocking upset, baseball's owners elected MLB's CEO as the new commissioner, beating out the Mariners bat boy and one of the Brewers hot dog racers.

The Toronto Maple Leafs announced Ted Kennedy would be one of the first three players immortalized with a statue outside Air Canada Centre in the club's new Legends Row.
I'm guessing the other two will be Wendel Clark and Tie Domi.

Smoke signals herald a new pope; baseball's owners elected Rob Manfred new MLB commissioner and tobacco spit gushed out of the building.

The sale of the Los Angeles Clippers to Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer went through.
Within hours, the team's online ticket ordering system crashed.

Kate Upton says she wasn't allowed to wear Tigers gear inside Yankee Stadium.
Is this part of a worldwide conspiracy to prevent her from wearing too many clothes?

There's a new line in the Toronto Raptors scouting budget: Drake's tampering fines.

Word is the Cleveland Browns locker room is split between Manziel and Hoyer, or just skipping practice for the day and going to Cedar Point.

Due to recent events, I am never watching NASCAR again.
Alright - just added one second of free time to my year.

They say people in Minnesota are too nice to burn Kevin Love's jersey in anger.
True; but they may burn it this winter if they're low on kindling.

Four years after a Philly fan created a website about his desire to go to the zoo with Roy Halladay, he actually went to the zoo with Roy Halladay.
I'm worried this is going to spark a rash of copycat sites by guys who want to go to Hawaii with Kate Upton.

The Clippers DeAndre Jordan is enjoying some offseason travel, staying at rentals through Airballbnb.

Meat Loaf analyzed the Kevin Love trade and said he wouldn't do that.

The Ravens are erecting a Ray Lewis statue outside M&T Bank Stadium.
Vancouver got Gumhead; Baltimore gets dumbhead.

The NBA Store is offering refunds on Andrew Wiggins Cleveland jerseys.
No such deal on Anthony Bennett's; you should have scouted better.

A petition is circulating for Weird Al Yankovic to do the Super Bowl halftime show.
He and Troy Polamalu will do a number from "Hair".

Canada Basketball has asked Cavs fans not to burn their Wiggins and Bennett jerseys, but instead send them north so they can be re-purposed for future national teams.

Were those Jerry Jones photos taken at a season ticket holder event, or a meal ticket holder event?

115th-ranked Canada wants to get soccer's 2026 World Cup.
This would be like Utah hosting the World Beer Games.

A survey of fan geographics found the Winnipeg Jets to be the most hated NHL team in Africa.
That's because they're the only team they've never received a shipment of unused "Stanley Cup Champions" t-shirts from.

Just when you thought NFL video replay couldn't get any worse, its gone from the field to elevators.

Farewell tours milked beyond belief: Derek Jeter, The Who and King Tut.

Texas A&M's opulent new football locker rooms include a waterfall and stream.
It's the largest remaining body of water in the state.

The Green Bay Packers drew over 67, 000 to a practice, their annual family night.
It was that, or the local mosquito festival.

Paul George and the stanchion: the worst injury in Las Vegas since Siegfried secretly put catnip in Roy's hairspray.

Run in the opposite direction from: women in Yankees caps who aren't A) from New York, or B) baseball fans.

#PrayForPaulGeorge was the #1 Twitter topic worldwide late Friday night.
Maybe the Middle East will hold a candlelight vigil for him.

Oregon has scratch-and-sniff season tickets.
Will the Washington game smell like coffee, or the fish stall at Pike Place Market?

UM announced improved cellular coverage inside Michigan Stadium.
You can now reach the athletic department store on your phone.

Canada won four more wrestling medals in Glasgow.
Should make for a lively next episode of "Piper's Pit".

Florida State is #1 in the preseason Amway college football coaches poll.
The Amway Poll: after you read it, you need to get 10 friends to read it.
And you thought college football recruiting was ruthless.

Two more mysterious giant craters have appeared in Siberia.
Maybe they are building a new golf course for North Korea's leader.
How else do you think he gets all those holes-in-one?

The Knicks put an odd collection of players together in a rejected bid to the T-Wolves for Kevin Love.
It would have been the most lopsided trade in Manhattan in nearly 500 years.

The Colorado Rockies botched Troy Tulowitzki Night by giving away 15,000 jerseys that spelled his last name wrong.
A spokesperson for the team said they would fix it by honoring him with an upcoming bubblehead giveaway.

I'm getting tired of these LeBron James announcements.
He revealed he will be wearing jersey #23 in Cleveland by counting up: "Not 1, not 2...".

Geroy Simon with the pre-game locker room motivational speech before the BC Lions got thumped at home by the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
They should have just shown that Netflix commercial.

Alabama head coach Nick Saban admitted on ESPN that he used to be very afraid of Santa Claus.
Did he think he was part of a serious NCAA investigation?
I guess he came to realize that people monitoring you to see if you're naughty or nice are toothless.

Cincinnati offensive tackle George Brown announced his college commitment to Florida over Kentucky and Alabama by producing a live baby alligator at his press conference.
Pretty creative, but it would have been more impressive if it had been on the table with a live wildcat and baby elephant.

Sad to see an aging Art Garfunkel show up at BC Place on Geroy Simon Night asking "When do we go on?"

The San Francisco Giants are having a special peanuts-free section at AT&T Park on July 30.
Charles Schulz is rolling over in his pumpkin patch.

Canada's off to a good start in Glasgow.
Jason Whitlock's losing his Commonwealth Games office pool.

Tour of Utah bike race: at the end-of-each-stage ceremony, the cyclist gets kisses from 6 podium girls.

Cycling: the 2014 Tour of Utah is underway.
They are testing for coffee.

A Korean baseball team has installed robot fans in their stands to act as avatars for real people who are unable to attend.
Coming soon to Marlins Park.

Photos made the rounds of rocker Jack White scowling in the stands at a Cubs game Tuesday night.
I haven't seen anyone that grumpy at Wrigley Field since the Steve Bartman incident.

Controversy as Winnipeg's mayor listed Arizona as his primary residence.
Maybe he's just a huge fan of the original Jets franchise.

Sergio Garcia finished 2nd at the British Open, his fourth runner-up at a major.
This guy makes the Buffalo Bills and Alydar look like closers.

Roger Goodell suggested Oakland could join San Francisco in their new Levi's Stadium.
Raiders fans were excited when they heard about the advanced connectivity of the facility, and are hoping to plug in their boom boxes and save on D batteries.

Roger Goodell says announcers don't have to say "Redskins" this season if they don't want to.
They also may not have to use "Texans" and "touchdown" in the same sentence.

University of Michigan regents voted against shooting off fireworks after every touchdown in their night game this fall.
However, after victories over Ohio State, the scoreboard will show videos of Halley's Comet.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the 2015 Draft host city bid is down to Chicago or Los Angeles.
Less clear is which of those two cities will get a team in the playoffs next.

Nigeria met FIFA's conditions to lift their soccer ban.

I guess the #BringBackOurBoys campaign worked.

Whatever happened to Manti Te'o?
He should have been involved with the World Cup.

Whichever A.L. team hosts Game 1 of the World Series should get Adam Wainwright to throw out the first pitch.
"Oakland's Chamber of Commerce would like you to welcome a special guest to the mound..."

Mike Trout's MVP prize was about the quickest decision in history.
They could have had Harold Reynolds in the passenger seat of the sports car and Taylor Swift in the truck, and he still would have picked the Vette.

Did Derek Jeter send Adam Wainwright a gift basket Wednesday morning?

Bud Selig is retiring from baseball to become the president of the Hair Club For Men.

After NBA free agent coverage saturation, what does LeBron do when its finally over?
He hops on a plane and goes to the World Cup.
Like Kanye West jumping onstage at the MTV Awards.
"Germany, Argentina: Imma let you finish!"

I'm not saying the Miami Heat are confused, but after Showtime's boxing event Saturday night they sent Canelo an offer sheet.

Carmelo Anthony said no to the Houston Rockets, despite being offered the chance to be the guy who pushes the button to blow up the Astrodome.
I guess wrecking one iconic American sports arena is enough.

Photos circulated showing a sparse crowd at Rogers Centre just before the Argos-Stamps kickoff Saturday.
I guess Calgary fans don't travel well while Stampede is on.

Drake says he'll be at Cavs games this season, and may purchase property in Cleveland.
He's also hoping to spend time in Argentina or Germany, but won't know until Sunday night.

Oscar talk is building for Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
Brazil's player really wants to see it after the World Cup.

Brazil will hold general elections in October.
No word yet on whether Neymar's jersey will run for office.

North Korea's state-controlled media reports they have made it to the World Cup final vs Portugal.
Also, his citizenship was fast-tracked, and LeBron James has joined the country's basketball team.

Brazil coach Scolari may have to go back to Bosom Buddies.

Post-LeBron decision programming black hole at ESPN threatens to swallow small galaxies.

I guess Cavs fans wish they hadn't burned those LeBron jerseys now.

I hope he's not tipping his hand, but Carmelo Anthony plans to announce his decision in the New Yorker.

LeBron James says his time in Florida was like going to college for him.
That would make him the first athlete in Miami to last four years in college.

NBA free agency: the month Drake's wardrobe budget quadruples.

Fans were keeping a vigil and sleeping outside LeBron's house in suburban Akron.
Or as they call it in Ohio: summer camping.

Ichiro, Elvis headline field for All-Star Bunting Contest

The Miami Heat-LeBron James meeting Wednesday in Las Vegas ended when neither party would pay for another lap dance.

Texas A&M has installed college football's largest videoboard.
So far, the only programming lined up is reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger, and something called "untitled Johnny Manziel GoPro project".

Some Brazilian fans blamed Mick Jagger for the team's humiliating defeat, saying he has developed a reputation as a bad luck charm for any team he supports.
Jagger laughed off the charges, adding he is looking forward to New York Knicks training camp opening.

The Nigeria Football Federation was suspended by FIFA for government interference.
Did the government really interfere, or did the federation just fall on its own?

Augustus Gloop could have scored for Germany against Brazil.

Hulk was playing more like Bruce Banner.

Minnesota's Target Field is ready with a ton of peanuts, 5000 orders of chicken fingers, a thousand pounds of ground beef, 1200 steak sandwiches, 1500 orders of french fries and 4000 nachos.
What an All-Star Game for Prince Fielder to miss.

The Tour de France got underway in England.
The UK hasn't seen that many fan-induced contacts and collisions on a tour since the heyday of the Rolling Stones.

Johnny Manziel spends more time in Las Vegas than Celine Dion.

North Korea announced it will be sending its famed "army of beauties" cheering squad to this September's Asian Games in South Korea.
Unfortunately, all the women will be sporting Kim Jong-un hairstyles.

Tour de France Stage 2 winner Vincenzo Nibali went for the traditional 2nd kiss and was denied by the podium woman.
Paging Alanis Morissette: Sunday was International Kissing Day.

TNT viewers were upset when Daytona's Coke Zero 400 was aired Sunday instead of a scheduled Lord of the Rings marathon.
Instead of inebriated, hairy trolls fighting over shiny objects, they had to watch NASCAR.

A new study seeks to discover when Americans stopped speaking with a British accent.
I'd say it was when they got knocked out of the World Cup.

Joey Chestnut would lose his competitive eating title if the New York Knicks just ate Carmelo Anthony's contract.

The B.C. Lions better turn it around fast, or the Grey Cup party may be no-host.

Bad news from Brazil's team doctors: Neymar may never flop again.

With the trade of Jeff Samardzija to the A's, it looks like the Cubs are beginning another 100-year rebuilding project.
The Cubs think about the future more than Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neighborhood rooftop owners agreed not to sue the Chicago Cubs if they only put up two signs at Wrigley Field.
Who cares? Signs haven't worked for the home team at Wrigley in over a hundred years.

Brazil's head coach has called in a psychotherapist after his players are reportedly over-stressed.
Why not the Ghanian witch doctor?
Probably over-booked after Portugal's early exit.

Detroit's hoping this 4th of July isn't the day for Joe Nathan's Famous Lead-Blowing Contest.

Free agency as old TV game shows: NHL = Let's Make A Deal, NBA = The Dating Game.

Now as part of courting NBA free agents, teams are photoshopping the players into their own uniforms, like 14-year-old high school football recruiting.
The Lakers guy has such mad photoshop skills, he made a poster that looks like Carmelo's making a pass.

July 1st: the day NHL players start feeling the back pockets of GMs, or in Claude Giroux's case, policemen.

President Obama phoned U.S. World Cup stars Tim Howard and Clint Dempsey.
He was looking for gambling advice on the quarterfinals.

The Canucks signed Radim Vrbata, thus preserving some space under the vowel cap.

An arbitrator ruled that the Saints' Jimmy Graham is a tight end.
Maybe Tim Tebow should consult with that guy.

FIFA's number 2 official says he is amazed by the drunkenness level inside World Cup stadiums.
Same problem at Wimbledon - only there, some people think it was on the court.

One day, the U.S. will win the World Cup, and Tim Howard will be looked back on like space programs remember Yuri Gagarin.

Jason Spezza says the pressure of playing in the nation's capital was not a factor in his departure from Ottawa.
Sounds legit - it's not like its ever affected the performance of our MPs.

Tim Howard with a cleaner sheet than A.C. Green.

World Cup view party: the TVs at Soldier Field aren't working.
Just like their quarterbacks.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are installing a pair of the world's largest jumbotrons at EverBank Field.
Never miss a sack or fumble again!

CBSSports.com reported the Pacers made a movie about free agent Lance Stephenson's time in Indiana and said it must be the most exciting film ever made about life in that state.
Did they miss Breaking Away and Hoosiers?

Rick Blaine is neutral on France vs Germany, but there are some parts of Rio he doesn't advise invading.

Lot of respect for Algeria's performance against Germany.
All that with no orange slices at halftime.

Soccer conundrum: I hate penalty kicks/I hope this goes to penalty kicks - it's so exciting.

The Bettman booing at the NHL Draft in Philly was incredible.
I haven't heard a note sustained that long since I saw a World Cup goal scored on Univision.

Luis Suarez banned from ALL soccer activities for four months.
Oh my, can you imagine how rusty his flopping will be when he comes back?

Hulk, Neymar, Cesar...is this a soccer team or the next Marvel Studios movie?

Carmelo Anthony says he wants to play with Kobe Bryant and LeBron James.
Wow - he's going to love the 2016 Rio Olympics.

Jason Kidd's request to be NBA commissioner has been denied.

Netherlands-Mexico kickoff should have been at 4:20.

Not impressed by Brazil's road record in this World Cup.

You've heard of NFL and NBA players "eating their way out of the league".
Uruguay did the same at the World Cup.

Reports say there are a massive amount of Colombia fans in LA.
Is that code for "cocaine users"?

Every Knicks story feels like it was produced by The Onion.

Knicks free agent Carmelo Anthony is expected to make an announcement the 2nd week of July on which team he is going to ruin next.

The Wells Fargo Center crowd has been nominated for a special Grammy award for its booing of Gary Bettman.

A teenage boy broke into Cristiano Ronaldo's hotel room.
Apparently, there's a ring of hair gel thieves working the World Cup.
Take some L'Oréal Homme back to the favelas.

Online bookmaker 888poker terminated its sponsorship with Luis Suarez after he was banned for biting.
666poker gave him a raise.

Have you ever seen a crazier collection of goofy hairstyles than the World Cup?
Who cuts these guys' hair - Edward Scissorhands of God?

The NBA Draft was held in Brooklyn.
Unfortunately, the local hipsters there only watch the MLS draft.

President Obama announced his schedule of violating restaurant sneeze guards may be affected by World Cup games.

A green laser was shone into the eyes of Russia's goalkeeper during their match against Algeria.
That happened to me at a ZZ Top concert once.

No World Cup Friday as all the FIFA officials are huge NHL Draft junkies.

Emotional moment as Cameroon's players said goodbye to the families that billeted them during the World Cup.

The Knicks are so bad they started their rebuild by trading for guys in their mid-thirties.

Phil Jackson and Derek Fisher are looking to improve on the Bermuda Triangle offense in New York.

England, Spain and Italy all failing to advance to the World Cup's round of 16.
This is kind of like having a NBA playoffs without the Knicks, Lakers and Celtics.

LeBron James informed the Miami Heat he will become a free agent on July 1.
Further details will be revealed on an upcoming TV special, "The Revision".

FIFA launched an investigation into the Luis Suarez biting incident.
They are calling in the best English orthodontists.

Experts say anyone encountering the rogue coyote in Vancouver's Stanley Park should throw their arms up and yell "Go away, coyote!".
Aka the Mike D'Antoni defense.

Stoppage time, or as Luis Suarez likes to call it, "dessert".

Uruguay and Italy: was that a soccer match or a zombie attack?

Too bad Brazil and Portugal didn't play each other.
More frosting than a box of Pop-Tarts.

Mexican fans continue to shout homophobic slurs at the World Cup.
They accused Croatian players of drinking watermelon margaritas.

Uruguay versus Italy Tuesday.
Expect more diving than the crew in The Abyss.

The average price of a World Cup hotel room in Brazil is $461.
It's soccer; shouldn't people be staying in flophouses?

Carmelo Anthony reportedly wrote the New York Knicks a letter saying he was filing for free agency.
Does anyone believe this?
At best, it was a text with more Us, 4s and 2s than a Prince song.

Cristiano Ronaldo is so metrosexual he makes Wham! look like Duck Dynasty.

Ronaldo's beautiful tying cross gave the witch doctor profession another credibility hit.

The US-Portugal game was so hot and humid they took a water break in the first half.
Where's Scott Thornton when you need him?

U.S. women's soccer goalie Hope Solo was arrested for domestic assault.
Prosecutors are pushing for one month frozen in carbonite.

Who will emerge from the Group of Bad Breath?

As the draft nears, NHL execs are working longer hours than Hope Solo's PVR.

A Toronto ad agency moved their office into a bar for the entire World Cup month.
Absolut great idea.

ESPN and the LPGA finally found a way to get Woody Allen to watch the US Women's Open.

Spain is set to meet England in a special faded empires consolation match.
Loser rows the other one home on an old slave galley.

Highly-rated Kansas big man Joel Embiid is set to have surgery on his right foot just ahead of the NBA Draft.
He shouldn't have told anyone.
They could announce his pick, have four guys carry him onstage on one of those World Cup magic stretchers.
He leaps up, "I'm healed!"

The Brewers traded starting pitcher Brad Mills to the A's for a dollar.
The Blue Jays offer of Canadian Tire money was rejected.

At least 3 of the World Cup stadia won't have enough usage demand to be financially viable after the tournament.
Their only hope to break even is if U2 announces a 5-year Brazilian tour.

Japan vs Greece: two countries forever divided by how they like to prepare squid.

FIFA's concussion protocol: players have to go to a dark room showing video highlights of Wayne Rooney World Cup goals.

The USPTO also revoked the trademark on Cavaliers, saying Cleveland's use of the name was offensive to fun-loving swashbucklers.
They didn't even want to hear about Lake Erie pirates.

The Redskins lost their trademarks, and the nickname has already been appropriated by the contingent of English soccer fans in Brazil.

People have asked how some of these teams even made it to the World Cup.
When they went to FIFA meetings, they remembered to take their Visa card.