New Orleans PG Tyreke Evans was trapped in an elevator at the team hotel for half an hour before a game in Phoenix Friday.
He should be used to it: the Pelicans have been stuck in the basement of the Southwest division all year.

It takes 20 minutes for the BC Place roof to open or close.
Or roughly the average power play time it takes for the Canucks to score.

The Canucks are taking outdoor stadium NHL hockey back to its roots: inside.

LeBron should keep wearing the mask after he's healed.

North Korea launched four short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan.
The last thing to land there was a Dennis Rodman jump shot.

Arizona could lose the Super Bowl for a second time.
They've still got a ways to go to match Buffalo.

Cool to see the St. Louis Blues David Backes return home from Sochi with stray dogs.
One can only imagine what the Rio 2016 athletes are going to come back with.

The Daytona 500 is known as "The Great American Race".
I thought that was Kardashians trying to get to divorce court.

Who would have thought Metta World Peace would be gone from the Knicks when someone did something really stupid?

Jadeveon Clowney's combine numbers: 4.53 40, 21 bench press reps, 6 N-words.

Should curling ban the N-word?

Russia hosted the Winter Olympics, next Super Bowl is slated for Arizona...is Uganda getting the Africa Cup Of Nations?

Now there will be two N-words never to be heard in the Super Bowl again.
First one being New York Jets.

Knicks point guard Raymond Felton arrested on weapons possession charges.
Don't worry, he's a Knick - he won't be able to hit any target.

After being waived by the Knicks, a source says Metta World Peace is willing to play for the Heat, Spurs or Thunder.
Ron: you were waived by the Knicks. The next stop is Pyongyang, not Miami Beach.

The wolf in the Athlete's Village hallway was revealed to be a Jimmy Kimmel prank.
So was the men's bronze medal game.

Once-in-a-lifetime thrills in the later stages of the women's hockey final.
Super-positive performance by Canada Post and a M.P.

John Tortorella was rooting for Sweden in the Olympic final.
As usual this winter, the team he was hoping would win didn't.

Record-setting day at the Daytona 500.
The 6-hour and 20-minute delay resulted in the most Budweiser ever consumed at one event.

Tim Hortons is the perfect sponsor for the Heritage Classic.
Two things that attract a large police presence: doughnut shops and the aftermath of big Canucks games.

Rumours of a Piers Morgan Live reunion during next year's Super Bowl telecast.

Getzlaf would be a good last name for a standup comedian.

Barry Bonds is joining the San Francisco Giants as a "special instructor".
I'd like to see him base coach from his leather recliner.

LeBron James suffered a broken nose against the Thunder Thursday night but will return shortly wearing a mask.
He's trying to decide between a Jacques Plante or Hannibal Lecter model.

Strange story about the Cleveland Browns trying to trade for 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh.
The weird part is they wanted him to start at QB.

Tuukka Rask out of the Olympic semi-final with the flu.
What is it with Bruins goalies?
Obama made Tim Thomas sick to his stomach.

Instead of shootouts, hockey teams should settle overtime ties on the ski cross course.

The wolf in the Athlete's Village hallway was revealed to be a Jimmy Kimmel prank.
Too bad - David Booth almost got the last-minute call to Sochi.

The NFL salary cap is set to rise by 5%.
This offseason is featuring a lot of legal troubles and fines that need to be covered.

The Canucks David Booth caught an alligator in Orlando over the Olympic break.
It's the first thing he's gotten into a net in awhile.

Having a Brit referee a gold medal hockey game is like getting Johnny Weir to produce the SI swimsuit issue.

The fan at the Canada-Latvia game Wednesday night in Bolshoy Ice Dome wearing blackface?!?
Only two reasonable explanations: 1. Swam in Black Sea, 2. Washed face in Sochi hotel bathroom.

What do you throw at Ray Rice's wedding - people?

Russia announced it's no longer going to send animals into space on dangerous test flights.
They're going to use their hockey coaches.

Olympic hockey crowds have some of the goofiest outfits this side of renaissance fairs.

Curling is whiter than the crowd at a Roger Hodgson concert.

The luxury suites at the Bolshoy Ice Dome have single-seat toilet stalls.

Philadelphia 76ers coaches are studying the All-Star Game footage and thinking of installing the East's defense.

A metal beam fell from the rafters in Indiana's Assembly Hall and landed in empty seats, causing the postponement of Tuesday night's game versus Iowa.
After it fell down, the refs charged the Hawkeyes with a foul.

Canada's scouting footage on Latvia consists of an old VHS tape of Arturs Irbe.

Mass start bobsleigh would be cool.

The Clash have their biggest song ever: the Bell Olympics commercial.

I made a $100 prop bet that Canada-USA would be the Olympic Women's Hockey final.
How shall I spend my 10 cents winnings?

It would be great if the snowboard cross course was someone's morning commute to work.

Sochi has the first artless Olympic logo - it's an internet address.
Who in their right mind would visit a Russian website?
"Beautiful, lonely, out-of-work Russian graphic designers want to meet you."

They found out what was wrong with Bob Costas's eyes: he stared too long at Norway's curling pants.

Because of the Olympic advertising ban, the U.S. men's curling team had to leave the "Fly Emirates" off their jerseys.

The US-Russia hockey score display was nowhere to be seen on the roof of the Bolshoy Ice Dome after the game.
Vancouver has a retractable roof; Sochi has a redactable roof.

No failed tests halfway through the Sochi Games.
Except that large Russian doll on the slopestyle course, which tested positive for smaller dolls inside.

Carmelo Anthony says he'd be willing to stay in New York for less money if he likes the Knicks plan.
Melo, there are some swampland realtors in New Jersey that would like to talk with you.

Surprised by the heat in Russia? Sochi in Russian is "Sriracha".

Evgeni Plushenko dropped out of the Olympics.
His spokesman, Roberto Duran, made a brief statement: "No mas."

The last time Roberto Luongo won a hockey game it was still winter in Russia.

Adam Silver is exhausted.
The new NBA commissioner just spent his first 2 weeks in office autographing basketballs.

Mitch Kupchak says the Lakers have a "2-3 year window" in which to win a NBA championship.
This is the most delusional window since Sarah Palin looked out hers and saw Russia.

Sartorially, Norway is the Don Cherry of curling.

The two worst teams in the Olympic hockey tournament will be relegated to the X Games.

Norway? Just rest Team Canada and send out the Edmonton Oilers.

Germany and Japan playing each other for a little credibility in women's hockey.
The rest of the world just hoping they don't decide to join forces.

Saw a few people aren't watching these Olympics over principle of a few things.
They say that now, but just wait til the lure of tuning in once the 50K cross-country skiing starts.
(Try to resist then!)

Putin is everywhere at these Olympics and sits wherever he wants.
Little known fact: he's inside that large Russian doll on the slopestyle course.

Finland scored two goals right after each other.
For 8 seconds there, I thought Austria was the Canucks.

Florida State is interested in Class of 2019 football prospect Rashad Williams, and will have him visit for a recruiting trip soon.
They're not sure whether to host it on campus or at Disney World.

Jim Boeheim said Carmelo Anthony should go wherever he can win a championship.
I don't think he has any eligibility left at Syracuse.
Maybe a DeLorean?

Pierre the Pelican got a makeover the same week as Anthrocon, and conveniently they are hosting the NBA All-Star Game just ahead of the spring furry conventions.

Analysts say now the Yankees know they need a shortstop for 2015.
What are they talking about?
They've got one waiting in the wings: Alex Rodriguez!

Stat: Derek Jeter has played in more postseason games than the Cubs and White Sox franchises combined.
He's also broken more hearts than the Cubbies.

Duke at North Carolina was postponed due to a winter storm.
Miss Teen South Carolina suggested switching the game to Duke's campus.

Derek Jeter announced 2014 will be his last season.
Where can we send a gift basket?

Team Canada announced the goalie schedule: Carey Price Game 1 vs Norway, Roberto Luongo Game 2 vs Austria, and Mike Smith February 27 at Winnipeg.

Starting this August, NCAA coaches can use Snapchat to interact with high school recruits.
They're also allowed to use Words With Friends, but the players they want can't spell.

LeBron James says he'll be on the NBA's Mount Rushmore.
Most of the rest of the league will be at Wall Drug.

New Orleans NBA mascot Pierre the Pelican is slated to have "reconstructive facial surgery" in an attempt to make him less scary to kids.
If that doesn't work, they'll probably just call in the Duck Dynasty guys and have him put down.

Putin just added Ice Fishing as a demonstration sport to try to get rid of all the rainbow trout.

ESPN's announcer said the first thing Kansas State basketball star Marcus Foster asked for when he arrived on campus was "a 24-hour key to the gym".
He still hasn't asked for a library card.

Great win for Canada's Charles Hamelin in the Men's 1500m short track.
But that event would be better if at the 750 metre mark, the P.A. announcer said "change skating direction".

Unnamed sources within the NFL talking about Michael Sam said they are worried about being watched in the showers.
"Don't worry, you get used to it pretty quickly," say Sochi hotel guests.

For their retro night promotion, Texas Tech is bringing back the wire cage that used to separate basketball courts from the stands.

It was 16 Celsius in Sochi Monday.
I know yoga is trying to get into the Olympics, but I didn't think it would be hot yoga outdoors in the winter games.

Those drones tracking the female snowboarders down the run are part of Russia's extensive surveillance system.
GoPro told the government they were invisible to the naked eye without the special goggles, which they sold them for an extra $10 million.

If Gary Bettman were IOC president, L.A. would get the Winter Games.

Anyone else want Guay to win the downhill just to annoy Putin?

I like how when the biathletes collapse at the finish line, they don't get any medical attention.
They just leave them lying there in the snow.
Only sport where that happens.
"Nah, that's what they do...they collapse."

There's a fine line between terrorist camp and biathlon training.

That would-be terrorist was arrested wearing a Habs sweater.
I would have guessed someone wearing a hockey jersey demanding to be flown to Sochi would have had a Team USA Bobby Ryan on.

A thousand years of Russian history and music and we didn't get Boney M's "Rasputin"?

Great opening ceremony: a thousand years of Russian history in, what, 20 hours?
My favorite part was the 1990s, when the majority of the population moved from caves to houses.

Putin declared Russia winner of the opening ceremony.

IVB first started competing in Olympics in 1984 and have never medalled, which makes them the 30-year-old British Virgin Islands.

Russian TV quickly switched to rehearsal footage after one of the snowflakes didn't morph into an Olympic ring at the opening ceremony.
Broadcast censorship is common in Russia, where viewers still believe the Red Hot Chili Peppers guitars were plugged in during the halftime show of the Denver Broncos Super Bowl win.

This is the most heavily media-accredited Olympics ever.
In fact, every Sochi hotel employee is registered as a video and audio technician.

LeBron James is getting his own sitcom on the Starz network.
It's called Eight Championships Is Enough.

Sochi hotels have received complaints about topless portraits of Putin in their rooms.
I get this when I have overnight guests at my house, too.

Saw a list of the first 5 Olympic events to finish/medal on Saturday.
One was "Men's 5000km Speed Skating".
That's halfway to Vladivostok.

At a Nashville Predators practice, Team Canada defenceman Shea Weber sent U.S. Olympic hockey team GM David Poile to the hospital with an errant hard pass to the head.
Can't this bad blood wait until they're in Sochi?
Weber making a late bid to qualify for the biathlon.

Florida high school football prospect D.J. Law signed three national letters of intent: with Ole Miss, Utah and East Mississippi Community College.
While they are trying to sort out his commitment, something tells me he may be facing an expensive Valentine's Day.

Washroom signs in Sochi warn no fishing in toilets.
That must be where their rainbow trout are.

CBS announced plans to air Thursday Night Football this fall.
The Big Bang Theory said it would have no comment on being moved to Tuesdays at 2pm until it ran some numbers through their calculators.

Maybe instead of a reward for excellence, NHL players who have been struggling this year should be sent to Sochi.

National Signing Day: single-handedly keeping the fax industry alive.

The Sochi Olympics construction sites and security perimeters are huge, but you can't see them from the ISS.
The only man-made objects visible from space are the Great Wall Of China and Jared Lorenzen.

Houston furniture mogul "Mattress Mack" lost $7 million after guaranteeing customers refunds if the Seahawks won the Super Bowl.
It was the second largest mattress-related financial loss of the week, after authorities busted that New York prostitution ring.

I was worried Peyton might talk about the first play from scrimmage by referring to his "idiot center", but he said that was just Manny being Manny.

John Tortorella returned from a two-week suspension Monday.
He spent his time off studying the hallway layouts of North American arenas.

Winter storm Maximus hit greater New York early Monday morning, delaying thousands at LaGuardia.
It was the second straight day air traffic in the area was shut down.

The Year of the Horse started with the Seahawks D saying "neigh" to the Broncos.

We finally found out what the fox says: "I keep Joe Namath warm."

Didn't like the colour visuals in the Canada-Japan Davis Cup match.
I thought I was at a White Stripes concert.

If I ever have to dial 911, I hope they arrive faster than Carey Price did to the Ben Bishop-Brandon Prust tilt.

I'm not saying he has a problem, but Floyd Mayweather had $3 million on the Puppy Bowl.