VP candidate Sarah Palin will drop the ceremonial first puck Friday night before the St. Louis Blues game against the LA Kings.
Do the Blues really want to to do this after the Philadelphia Flyers have gone winless since Sarah P did the same for their opener?
Demand for tickets for a Palin rally Friday morning in Springfield, MO have caused the event to move from a university arena to a Bass Pro Shops parking lot.
So the hockey rinks there hold fewer people than a fishing store parking lot?

A survey of NBA GMs revealed the LA Lakers as their pick to win the league championship.
Joe Biden predicts it will be the Seattle Supersonics.

World Boxing Council president Jose Sulaiman denounced mixed martial arts and its fans,
saying it had sullied the name of his sport and that "boxing fans have class".
Sounds like he's nostalgic for those innocent days of yesteryear featuring Don King, Bob Arum and Mike Tyson.

Just a few hours after losing to Ohio State 45-7 Saturday night, members of the Michigan State football team reportedly got into a brawl with the Spartans hockey team, sending one skater to the hospital.
Whatever happened to "leaving it all on the field"?

Controversy over Brett Favre allegedly having phoned Detroit Lions coaches last month to offer insight into the Green Bay Packers offense prior to their matchup.
This begs the question: who has been calling the Lions opponent every week?

Tampa Bay Rays upper management looks like they probably got ID'd when purchasing the champagne for their pennant celebration.

Penn State beat Michigan for the first time since 1996.
This was so long ago, some of UM's latest recruits were just getting out of diapers - and Joe Paterno was just getting into his.

Michael Lewis' nonfiction bestseller "Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game" is being developed as a motion picture possibly starring Brad Pitt.
What's next: is Bill James' agent shopping around old Baseball Abstracts?

The Chicago Blackhawks fired coach Denis Savard after just 4 games of the new NHL season.
From a season-time frame perspective, this is the equivalent of an NFL coach getting fired during the second half of the opener.
Or less time than it takes Al Davis to wash a track suit.

Barack Obama has taken out billboard ads inside EA Sports online video games.
John McCain is firing back during the World Series with scoreboard and outfield ads in Yankee Stadium.

Researchers say bullying in the workplace has become such a big problem in Canada they have launched a website to help people fight back.
The first few people to join were members of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

Bad news for Kwame Brown: the NBA announced it is eliminating 80 jobs in the U.S.

Have you seen a blocked punt more all over it than the Cardinals-Cowboys in OT Sunday?
I've had shoe shines with less contact.

On a wild day in college football, Nos. 1, 3 and 4 fell.
It was like the dream scenario that never materialized for Robert Wagner in the Austin Powers movies.

O.J. Simpson's lawyers cited judicial errors and insufficient evidence Friday in seeking a new trial.
Simpson's appeal for a new trial alleges prosecutors improperly allowed the removal of two prospective jurors.
The part of the juror screening questionnaire I love is this gem: "Are you aware of any previous O.J. Simpson trials?"
This ensures that his jury will be made up of cavemen, theoretical particle physics researchers and citizens of North Korea.

Evander Holyfield has been offered a title fight in Germany with WBA heavyweight champion Nikolai Valuev in December.
What - was Kimbo Slice unavailable?

Barry Bonds was the honorary chair of Tuesday night's annual lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree in San Francisco.
Next month, Mark McGwire will lead the traditional Easter Egg hunt of pills on the BALCO's front lawn.

Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin will drop the puck for the ceremonial faceoff at the Philadelphia Flyers season opener Saturday night.
Hope she does better than her previous experience refereeing hockey players.

A California woman has been charged with stalking LA Lakers forward Luke Walton.
She has done what no New York Knick has been able to: closely shadow an NBA player.

A Toronto investment firm executive is the #1 suspect in a series of local bank robberies.
It's the region's biggest recent financial crime outside of the Maple Leafs and their season ticket holders.

Notre Dame may be unranked after 4-1 for the first time ever, but coach Charlie Weis was ranked #1 by South Bend/Goshen, IN buffet restaurant owners in their annual "Most Feared Customer" poll.

In an EliteXC MMA bout on CBS Saturday night, Seth Petruzelli TKO'd Kimbo Slice at 14 seconds of the 1st Round.
It's believed to be the fastest collapse on prime-time network TV since the Couric-Palin interview and the Caveman sitcom.

The entire University of Wisconsin band has been suspended from the Badgers big showdown game with Ohio State Saturday night for "inappropriate alcohol use, hazing and sexualized behavior".
There goes a whole week of prepping for their planned halftime show: a tribute to Motley Crue.

The Vancouver Canucks named Roberto Luongo their new captain, despite the NHL not having had a goalie as captain in over 60 years and it being against league rules.
(No, Canucks fans, "Captain Kirk" doesn't count.)
The Canucks are really thinking outside the box: their zamboni driver is running for Transportation Minister.

Investigators ruled that no Chinese gymnasts were underage in Beijing and no medals would be lost.
Lance Armstrong immediately praised the probe and asked that they monitor his 2009 Tour de France campaign.

Among the Yankee Stadium items being broken up and sold to collectors: urinals.
I hope they are cleaning those before mailing them out. That's one sports item you don't want billed as "game-used".

NBC ADDS FLIPPER TO FALL 2009 LINEUP

Burbank, CA - In a move that caught both GE shareholders and animal rights activists off guard, NBC announced it will be taping a new series of Flipper and building its fall 2009 schedule around it.

"We were in a brainstorming meeting when it suddenly occurred to us," explained NBC CEO Jeff Zucker, "Its been awhile since we had a prime time sitcom featuring a Bottlenose Dolphin! That's exactly what everyone needs now."

The original series ran for three seasons on NBC from 1964 to '67. The remake, tentatively titled either "Flipper 2.0" or "So You Think You Can Tail Walk?", will set Flipper in Lake Michigan helping inner-city Chicago youth overcome their day-to-day problems with humorous attitude.

England defeated Croatia 4-1 in a game that was accompanied by a warning from dentists: "Don't watch in HD."

I see photos of Raiders fans in chain-mail cloaked hoods.
I thought they were pirates, now they're medieval knights?
Pick a gay fantasy look and stick with it.

FEMA's learned a lot in 3 years: with Gustav bearing down on the Gulf Coast, the U.S. is set to dispatch Michael Phelps to the hurricane flooding relief area.

AL STEWART'S YEAR OF THE RAT

On a morning in the Beijing time zone
In a country where they turn back time
A pretty toothed little girl goes through the motions
As if she were a mime
She comes out of the smog in a silk hazmat suit
Like someone in The China Syndrome
Don't bother asking for explanations
She'll just say she feels at home
In the Year of the Rat

While the fireworks were over the top
We find out later Photoshop
And the underage gymnasts sweep the gold medals
Somebody call a cop
From local vendors at the market stalls
You can buy a copy of Dark Knight
A holy man in the mountains?
Don't bother putting up a fight
In the Year of the Rat

Bolt's so ahead he never leans
Without even tying up his laces
He trains on incense and leafy greens
Take a puff and you'll see hazy stuff just like
The Year of the Rat

Well, morning comes at the Water Cube
Michael Phelps has broken from the pack
More gold than Mr. T; he's won as many medals
As England plus Iraq
But the homer judging of the games remain
Like Tom Lemming with his ND leans
Don't bother asking for the real truth
Cause nothing's ever as it seems
In the Year of the Rat

The Great Wall of China is one of only two man-made objects visible from space.
The other is Barry Bonds' head.

Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian angrily threw away his bronze medal in disgust in a protest over the judging in his semi-final bout.
The Canadian Olympic team immediately asked if they could have it.

Canada's top architects are in Beijing, designing a 4th step on the medal podium.

The Vancouver Canucks are running a contest that allows fans to design goalie Curtis Sanford's mask.
This isn't unique: the Philadelphia Flyers held a pre-season contest years ago to design Eric Lindros' cast.

How come no Cuban athletes are defecting in China?

Beijing authorities claim the haze enveloping the city is not smog but "mist".
Of course, they also refer to their army's visits to Tibet as a soccer friendly.

Brett Favre is looking forward to getting away from Green Bay's media circus and finding some peace and quiet in New York.

The U.S. Olympic Cycling Team apologized Wednesday for arriving at the Beijing Airport wearing face masks, explaining that they were only wearing them because they had to luggage check their hazmat suits.

The Green Bay Packers Tuesday placed Brett Favre on their non-football injury list.
He's got bruised feelings and is listed as "minute-to-minute".

Greek basketball team Olympiakos, of Athens, which signed Josh Childress to a 3-year contract in July, is reportedly interested in signing LeBron James when he becomes a free agent in 2010.
If James goes over there for a year he can get some night club recommendations from Shaq, such as The Parthenon.

NASA has confirmed there is water and ice on Mars.
Somewhere, Gary Bettman is drooling.

Seattle has become one of the first major American cities to discourage the use of plastic shopping bags after a city council vote.
The final straw came when the Seattle Supersonics recently moved their entire franchise to Oklahoma City in plastic bags.

The WNBA has garnered the first A-plus given in an annual diversity report card on race and gender in sports.
The previous highest grade was awarded in 1998 when Dennis Rodman received an A.

Nike has pulled an ad campaign showing a basketball player's face in an opponent's crotch and will replace it with a photo featuring someone dunking over an 11-year old Indonesian sweatshop worker.

Video piracy and counterfeiting in Asia remains a problem: there's already a DVD available of the opening ceremonies in Beijing.

The International Olympic Committee banned Iraq from next month's Summer Games in Beijing due to "government interference".
Really? I assumed China would feature that as a demonstration sport.

The Army has ordered Detroit 7th round draft pick Caleb Campbell to fulfill a less confusing and more promising two years than playing for the Lions: serving in Iraq or Afghanistan.

A rotting great blue heron carcass dangling above a Vancouver tennis tournament isn't going anywhere, due to concerns over disturbing the colony.
It's the biggest stink made at a tennis match since John McEnroe retired.

Green Bay Packers CB Charles Woodson has come out with his own wine label, "24", producing a merlot and a cabernet.
Next up: a Lambeau Field ice wine.

Seeking to address their weakness against left-handed pitching, the New York Yankees have signed released Seattle Mariner Richie Sexson, who will platoon at 1B with Jason Giambi.
The move could be a good one: Sexson actually had good hitting stats in limited at-bats this season vs lefties. Against righties, Sexson was about as productive as a T-ball stand.

Renovations to Rutgers University's football stadium in New Jersey have unearthed 250-year old broken beer bottles.
Also found were tailgate bratwursts so full of nitrates they had retained all their original nutritional value.

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers were "scrambling to protect their reputation" today after racy photos of ex-members of their cheerleading squad became a minor Internet sensation.
Their reputation? Yeah, let's not let a little flesh make us lose sight of the fact that the mosquito capital of Canada hasn't won a Grey Cup in 18 years.

Perpetually dog-housed Ottawa netminder Ray Emery has signed a 1-year contract to play hockey in Russia.
In Soviet Russia, practice disrupt goalie!

Chiefs TE Tony Gonzalez saved a man in a Huntington Beach, CA restaurant by performing the Heimlich Maneuver.
It's the first time a receiver has prevented someone from choking since David Tyree's catch in the Super Bowl.

3-star point guard Chris Duhon verballed to the New York Knicks Friday, ahead of National Signing Day on July 9.
Recruiting analyst Tom Lemming ranks the Knicks incoming 2009 class as one of the top 30 in the league.

Canada Post has been named an Official Supplier to the 2010 Winter Games.
I'm sure the athletes will be spurred on to their quickest times ever knowing the postal system is behind them.
This is like AA sponsoring Oktoberfest.

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre and the Packers have had discussions regarding a possible comeback as Green Bay's QB this season.
This guy's having more farewells and endings than The Return of the King.

Finally, a winner has been declared in the $2+ million Floyd Landis vs U.S. Anti-Doping Agency court case: the lawyers.

The Pittsburgh Steelers took care of some laundry and cleaned out their closet by releasing RB Najeh Davenport.

After losing to the Connecticut Sun Friday night, the Atlanta Dream fell to 0-14, the worst start in WNBA history.
Fans in Atlanta are starting to show up for Dream games wearing shopping bags over their heads.

Kids under 17 who attend World Team Tennis matches get a free tennis racket.
If Roger Clemens comes back, kids under 17 who attend his starts will get free legal representation.

A pro-Tibet protester ran onto the pitch during the Germany-Turkey match Wednesday and made it across most of the field before being tackled by a security guard.
It was a longer run than anyone made during the Spain-Italy quarterfinal.

The NHL suspended Anaheim Ducks owner Henry Samueli after he was convicted of making a false statement to the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Samueli told the SEC Chris Pronger wasn't a dirty player.

Former Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was ordered Monday to install an ignition-lock breath tester in his car after he was charged with drunken driving.
Those devices work on other types of keys, too; remember when Ed McMahon lost his house?

After NBC extended its contract with Notre Dame football for five extra years despite historically low audiences for the Irish last season, chairman Dick Ebersol called Notre Dame a premier brand that defines the network.
Well, that's true: NBC remains in 4th and last place in the ratings.

23 Turks were shot by stray bullets during celebratory gunfire after Turkey's quarterfinal Euro Cup soccer win over Croatia.
That's more damage than Turkish marksmen did during WWII.

Chinese officials accuse the Dalai Lama of trying to sabotage the Beijing Olympics and preparing "suicide squads" to carry out attacks.
Good one, China! I love science fiction.
How is he trying to "sabotage" the Olympics?
Pushing yoga as a demonstration sport?
Dissident Chinese states: putting the "demonstration" back in demonstration sport.

The NHL is seeking to kick the Rangers (and Madison Square Garden, etc.) owners out of the league after they accused the NHL of violating antitrust laws by monopolizing control of team promotions.
Right - if Bettman and the NHL had control of the promotions they'd be playing 2-on-2 beach hockey in Cancun.

A European TV broadcaster accidentally ran old Nazi lyrics subtitled during the German anthem before their match with Austria.
Ratings plummeted in France as viewers instinctively fled their homes.

Saskatchewan has been announced as an official participant in the 2010 Winter Olympics.
I thought cow tipping was a summer sport.

Severe thunderstorms today forced the cancellation of the last scheduled Hall Of Fame baseball game in Cooperstown, NY, between the Cubs and the Padres.
To make up for it, next month Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will stage a "Hall Of Shame" pitching and batting exhibition.
First 5,000 fans to arrive get a free Bud Selig bobblehead.

You know it's June when...
these are the top 3 college football headlines on Sportsline.com:
# Curry accepts 5-year deal as Georgia State's first coach
# Curry accepts new challenge as Georgia State coach
# Georgia State to make Curry first coach

Michael Vick's younger brother Marcus was arrested Friday for DUI and eluding police.
Considering they caught him, I'd say he's got a pretty solid defense against the latter charge.

CARDINALS FANS READY FOR INTERDIVISIONAL PLAY

St. Louis - There's excitement in the air in St. Louis as Cardinals fans get set to host the Philadelphia Phillies tonight as Interdivisional play gets underway.
"It's fun to see the contrasts in styles between the East Division and the Central Division," said St. Louis resident Jim Ninerich. "Normally you'd have to see this sort of thing in a rare playoff matchup; these days we get it in the regular season, too."
Since the three-game set is being played in Busch Stadium, most Cards fans are confident they will have the edge playing under Central Division rules.

NPR reports that one of the factors driving up the crazy price of Lakers-Celtics tickets is Father's Day.
What - is each of Shawn Kemp's kids planning the same surprise gift?

How embarrassing for the Swiss, being the first to get knocked out of the very tournament they were hosting.
Now they're going to be like hosts waiting for their dinner guests to leave so they can wash up and go to bed.
Meanwhile, the Portuguese just uncorked another bottle of wine.

What's up, Doc?
EURO 2008 FREAKSHOW UNDERWAY

EURO 2008 is underway and with it returns the festive tradition of fans wearing goofy hats, face-paint and dime-store wigs.

Yes, the cavalcade of "colorful" European fans supporting their team by dressing up like extras from The Rocky Horror Picture Show is back in front of the world's lens.

We have a male Dutch supporter sporting chandelier-size earrings made out of carrots, a French fan wearing a blue chicken on his head, and an Italian fan with fake ears that dwarf Ross Perot's in a political cartoon.

North American sports fans enjoy putting on some of their favorite team's gear and can tailgate with the best of them, but they avoid getting dressed up to look like Ronald McDonald in a pride parade.

Does Europe celebrate Halloween in June?

Why do stars from Austin, Texas always look like they are high in photos?
Cedric Benson, Ricky Williams, Matthew McConaughey...

EURO 2008 result Sunday: Germany annexed Poland 2-0.

Big Brown jockey Kent Desormeaux said his horse was out of gas after he faded in The Belmont Stakes.
Maybe that's why so many North Americans identified with him.

Update: Zoolander (Barry Zito & Justin Verlander) now 3-18.

For several hours on Friday, the store on the NHL's web site was selling "Alexander Ovechkin 2007-8 Hart Trophy Winner" t-shirts.
The award - for the NHL's Most Valuable Player - will be announced on June 12.
That's nothing: the NBA's web site has been selling "Lakers-Celtics 2008 NBA Finals" t-shirts for weeks.

A woman in the stands at Safeco Field is upset that she was asked to stop making out with her female companion.
The way the Mariners are going this year, shouldn't Seattle fans be grateful for any entertainment?

A report in the Boston Globe alleges New England Patriots offensive lineman Nicholas Kaczur was arrested for illegal posession of prescription drugs in April and then went undercover for the Drug Enforcement Administration to gather information in a sting operation.
Least shocking part of this story is that a Patriot used a "hidden recording device".

French officials gave a press conference to announce that there will be "surprise", unannounced doping tests on next month's Tour de France.
Pro cyclists thanked them and asked which masking agents, in particular, should they stay away from?
"Together we can get through this."

The Denver Broncos released RB Travis Henry, saying his commitment to the team was in question.
I'd say they were right, given Father's Day is coming up.

The Chicago Cubs have the best record in baseball on June 1st for the first time since 1908.
To give you an idea how long ago this was, Joe Paterno was a graduate assistant.

Brazil beat Canada 3-2 in a soccer friendly in Seattle.
Why were they playing at Qwest Field?
This is like Canada and the U.S. playing a hockey exhibition in Cabo San Lucas.
(Wait a minute...don't give Gary Bettman any ideas.)

A feud over sports federations might keep Iraq out of the Olympic Games.
That could make it a hollow victory indeed if Kazakhstan can skip playing Iraq to get through the Asian hockey qualifiers.

What kind of preseason odds could you have gotten that in late May Barry Zito and Justin Verlander would be a combined 3-15?
And that's after each won his last outing.
These are the worst starts since Donnie Wahlberg in The Sixth Sense.

Many schools and organizations have changed the name of "Tug Of War" to "Pull For Peace".
Whatever they want to call it, it's a fun event as long as no one gets an Indian burn from the rope.

Ken Griffey, Jr. paid his Cincinnati Reds teammate Josh Fogg the $1500 he owed him on a golf bet - by leaving 150,000 pennies in his locker.
This is not unheard of in baseball - late Twins owner Calvin Griffith delivered his payroll that way every other Friday.

The Premier of British Columbia lamented the loss of an annual kids soapbox derby street race, calling it "a sporting event second to none".
I'm sure that would be news to the International Olympic Committee.

TAI CHI EXPERT TO MAKE UFC DEBUT

Las Vegas, NV - Tai Chi teacher Lance Worthington of Des Moines, IA will make his debut in the octagon at UFC 85, it was announced today.

Worthington's opponent in the middleweight battle will be Brazilian Muay Thai champion Landroso "The Piranha" Barbera.

"I'm looking forward to bringing fluidity of motion and a sense of calm into the ring," said Worthington.

Barbera replied: "I am going to skin him alive with my hands and then samba de roda on his entrails."

FOX Sports.com published an article on the Top 10 Worst Franchises currently in pro sports and didn't include the New York Knicks.
That's like ranking the 10 Worst Presidents of all-time and not including George W. Bush.

Richie Sexson got a 6-game suspension for charging the mound and throwing his helmet.
Why should Mariners' upcoming opponents be punished for his transgressions?

The White Sox may be the only major league franchise where the players show up for a game early in hopes of getting a bobblehead doll.

In first round action at the World Hockey Championships in Quebec City, Denmark beat Italy 6-2.
On a global sporting relevance scale, this is like Bolivia defeating Kazakhstan in surfing.

HOLLYWOOD WORRIED VIDEOGAME COULD AFFECT WEEKEND BOX OFFICE

Burbank, CA - Analysts will be watching closely this weekend as speculation mounts that Tuesday's release of the interactive puzzle videogame Roogoo for the Xbox 360 could cut into box office receipts for the opening of the Patrick Dempsey romantic comedy Made of Honor.

The Tetris-like game, which involves careful stacking of differently-shaped objects, is appealing to the young female demographic that is expected to make up much of Made of Honor's audience.

"We're worried that instead of heading out to the multiplex," said BoxOfficeBonanza analyst Brandon Kurjurdian, "Girls and young women may stay home trying to complete all 45 puzzle levels and save the planet Roo."