Roberto Luongo has the most closely watched groin since Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

The Tennessee Titans LenDale White is upset that the Carolina Panthers supposedly stole he and backfield mate Chris Johnson's nickname, "Smash and Dash".
Sounds more like a Christmas shopping spree by the Cincinnati Bengals.

New York beat New Jersey using only 7 of the 15 on their roster.
The Knicks have more inactive players than a fraternity reunion.

Chicago Bears LB Lance Briggs said New Orleans Saints QB Drew Brees - whose previous NFL stop was in San Diego - is ill-equipped to handle the cold weather of Chicago.
Yeah, West Lafayette, Indiana - where Brees led the Purdue Boilermakers for 4 years - is some sort of tropical paradise.
Like the school fight song was written by Jimmy Buffett.
"Cheeseburger in sub-orbit".

Major League Baseball's winter meetings are underway in Las Vegas.
Oakland A's GM Billy Beane has stats in hand that prove he has a better chance of making a deal while watching "The Fountains of Bellagio" show rather than "The Sirens of Treasure Island".

Quite a weekend: Michelle Wie qualified for her LPGA tour card and Charlie Weis got his Papa Murphy's pizza card.

Alex Rodriguez says he's "100% sure" he'll play for the Dominican Republic in next year's World Baseball Classic.
The D.R. is excited by this development, but wants expressed, written consent from Major League Baseball that the tournament will be in March and not October.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman suspended Stars' forward Sean Avery 6 games for speech "detrimental to the league or game of hockey".
Isn't that the definition of a Bettman press conference?

Headline: Governor General agrees to Ottawa Senators' request to suspend season until January.

2010 Olympic organizers are thinking of using "hot-bedding" for employees, where two people sleep in shifts in the same bed.
This practice was originally invented by Sean Avery and Dion Phaneuf.

Notre Dame opted to retain Charlie Weis after they realized his buyout clause included a year's supply of free groceries.

Prediction: Another Canadian federal election will have lower voter participation than NHL All-Star balloting in Alabama.

Canucks goalie Roberto Luongo went for an MRI on his groin today only to find out he is 9,346th on B.C.'s medical waiting list.

Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson was suspended for Thursday's Cincinnati Bengals game after the team said he overslept for an 8:30pm meeting Wednesday.
He must have been watching NBC's Knight Rider.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban has been charged with insider trading by the Securities and Exchange Commission.
He allegedly dumped an expensive stock right before it crashed, which is the opposite of what he did when he traded for Keith Van Horn.

The Steelers beat the Chargers in the NFL's first 11-10 final score in history.
Donovan McNabb said he didn't know games could end 11-10.

ABC BRINGING BACK MONDAY NIGHT BASEBALL IN 2009

New York - Saying "the time is right", right now, ABC today announced it is bringing back Monday Night Baseball next spring, in a move it thinks will kick-start the franchise in a way that will rival its stalwart Monday Night Football.

The network also stated it will be reviving new versions of Charlie's Angels, Laverne & Shirley, and Three's Company.

In a joint announcement, ABC and The Rose Bowl said they will be broadcasting chariot races on New Year's Day.

STEELY DAN TO OPEN INNER-CITY THEME PARK

Fort Apache, NY (AP) - Steely Dan's Donald Fagen and Walter Becker announced plans today for a theme park on 10 hectares in The Bronx, in an attempt to "give back" to their New York City/Brill Building roots, and connect with today's inner-city youth.

Rides expected at the park - set to open in 2010 - include the Cold Turkey Rollercoaster, Midnite Cruiser Bumper Cars, and Black Friday Elevator Drop.

Teens and kids will be greeted by colorful and beloved costumed characters from the Dan universe, such as Doctor Wu, Razor Boy, Charlie Freak and Kid Charlemagne.

A NASCAR fan in her RV at Texas Motor Speedway was hit by a stray bullet Sunday morning before the Dickies 500 race.
No word on whether authorities have any suspects but I would look into Texas Tech fans celebrating their win over Texas.
It's no country for burning old couches.

The recent horror movie The Strangers featured unhappy people who wear bags over their heads.
Crowd scenes were filmed at Ford Field.

The New York Knicks placed guard Stephon Marbury on their inactive list before Friday night's 29-point loss to the Philadelphia 76ers.
The Knicks have an "inactive" list? Talk about semantics...

LIVE BLOG OF ORIGINAL HALLOWEEN (30TH ANNIVERSARY)



Great opening titles with the ultra-slow zoom in on the Jack O' Lantern flickering like it was caught in a '70s energy crisis.

"Haddonfield, Illinois Halloween Night, 1963"
Didn't one of the characters in When Harry Met Sally (maybe Carrie Fischer?) say they were from Haddonfield (NJ) during that scene at the double dinner date? What is with towns named Haddonfield giving birth to unspeakable creatures? (I have a wagon wheel coffee table.)

Wow - they weren't upstairs very long - what happened? That guy's going to be talking to therapists the rest of his life about how premature ejaculation resulted in a murder.

It's nice when a boy greets his parents upon their return home at night. (Something we've lost since '63 , apparently.)

Jump forward to present day ('78): Donald Pleasance and an actress dressed like a nurse smoking and driving.

Pleasance is focused - he's gunning for a Best Supporting Actor nom here and he has an inner intensity that can only come from the knowledge that he's not going to get it.

"The evil is gone!"

Is there anywhere better than the Midwest (actually southern California in these scenes) for Halloween? I think not.

Jamie Lee Curtis' first appearance.

Pleasance is jacked up!

The heavy-breathing (anyone see that Star Wars villain before filming this?) creepy escapee guy is driving around in a car that separates the driver from the back with a wire-mesh cage, like an L.A. taxi. Except heavy-breathing creepy escapee guy (HBCEG) is friendlier than most L.A. cabbies.

Jamie Lee ("Laurie") walks home with her friends, P.J. Soles and "Annie". The girls are carrying a lot of loose books home. Apparently, bags and knapsacks had yet to be invented.

Kids are trick-or-treating at 3:30/4:00 in the afternoon? WTF?

This movie is a bit Hitchcockian and a little like Antonioni - in the sense of challenging what characters (and viewers) see is what they "really" see.

Although this is Jamie Lee's most feminine movie, she's already got a bit of a mannish vibe going on.

Let's go visit the grave site - surely nothing will be amiss here...

Great shot and music choice with the girls in the car.
No additional cowbell needed.

The town cop (and dad of one girl) fails to notice that the girls' car smells like a Cheech & Chong tour bus.

Hardware store break-in: " Probably kids. All they took was Halloween masks, some rope, and knives."

Yeah, probably. But there's one kid whose Captain Kirk costume has been ruined.

The light just jumped about 2 hours in one cut: from almost sunset to pitch black.

Visit to the now-reputedly-haunted house from the prologue. Someone's been eating a dog. Pleasance: "This isn't a man!"

They're watching "The Thing" - which John Carpenter would remake a few years later.

Annie is in the garage doing laundry... "Paul, is this one of your cheap tricks? Oh, guess not..."
Annie, it's just the dream police, they live inside of your head.

Why aren't these kids trick-or-treating? Were they in the 3:30 group and have since showered and changed?

53 minutes in...(SPOILER ALERT!) someone's finally going to bite it. Why is there condensation on the windshield? Maybe because Darth Vader is meditating in the back seat.

Donald Pleasance is hanging out in front of the old haunted house like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin. He likes to scare kids: "Lonnie! Get your ass away from there!"

Now we have the skeptical sheriff dismissing the warnings: "More fancy talk." They don't like the fancy talk in small town Illinois.

The bed sheet ghost costume with Bob's glasses is an iconic image from the film. Who ya gonna call?

Jamie Lee's going over to the house where bad things await. DON'T GO IN THERE JAMIE!

Ah, we're in the initial mode of "Alright you guys - joke's over!" "C'mon you guys - cut it out."

Don't go upstairs, Jamie - what are you doing?

The orange-ish lit space under a door - an enduring Hollywood favorite.

Under attack, Jamie runs door-to-door looking for help or collecting for UNICEF. Maybe people think it's just Halloween pranksters...oh, the irony!

The phone lines are dead...ah, the world before cells.

Putting the knife down and relaxing: worst idea in movie history.

Jamie's in the closet (literally, not figuratively - we think) - looking for something to wear in The Fog.

Pleasance - in a fit of rage knowing he will never be recognized for his supurb acting work - shoots HBCEG, aka The Boogeyman, but yet again no one seems to want to finish him off by further shots or, I dunno, decapitation. This guy makes Rasputin look like a quitter.

Classic ending with Carpenter's musical score and visually revisiting many of the main scenes' houses and locales.

This super-low-budget marvel was followed by about a dozen sequels that had all the charm of Dane Cook wise-cracking his way through a death camp.

Fifteen out of eighty-six football players failed street drug tests recently taken at the University of North Texas.
The 17% drug-using figure is believed to be the lowest college rate ever recorded.

Bud Selig wanted to call Game 5 of the World Series a tie Monday night, but then relented and said whoever wins the completed game Tuesday gets to host the All-Star Game next year.

The Sarah Palin hockey curse continued as she dropped the first puck for the St. Louis Blues 4-0 home ice loss to the L.A. Kings and Blues goalie Manny Legace injured himself stumbling on the ceremonial carpet rolled out for the V.P. candidate.
It's becoming the worst sports omen by a politician since 1984 when Walter Mondale threw out the season-opening pitches for the San Francisco Giants and Milwaukee Brewers.

News outlets said the New York Knicks' Isiah Thomas was rushed to hospital after overdosing on sleeping pills.
The report was incorrect: turns out he had just been reviewing tape of Knicks games.

A photo of Columbus Blue Jacket Mike Commodore lying in bed wearing only boxer briefs and covered in $3000 cash surfaced on the Internet - the same day NHL officials were in the Ohio capitol advising players on how to steer clear of embarrassing situations.
Commodore's defense should have been pointing out there wasn't a woman in the photo with him.
Unlike the NHL, he wasn't expanding into inappropriate southern places.

VP candidate Sarah Palin will drop the ceremonial first puck Friday night before the St. Louis Blues game against the LA Kings.
Do the Blues really want to to do this after the Philadelphia Flyers have gone winless since Sarah P did the same for their opener?
Demand for tickets for a Palin rally Friday morning in Springfield, MO have caused the event to move from a university arena to a Bass Pro Shops parking lot.
So the hockey rinks there hold fewer people than a fishing store parking lot?

A survey of NBA GMs revealed the LA Lakers as their pick to win the league championship.
Joe Biden predicts it will be the Seattle Supersonics.

World Boxing Council president Jose Sulaiman denounced mixed martial arts and its fans,
saying it had sullied the name of his sport and that "boxing fans have class".
Sounds like he's nostalgic for those innocent days of yesteryear featuring Don King, Bob Arum and Mike Tyson.

Just a few hours after losing to Ohio State 45-7 Saturday night, members of the Michigan State football team reportedly got into a brawl with the Spartans hockey team, sending one skater to the hospital.
Whatever happened to "leaving it all on the field"?

Controversy over Brett Favre allegedly having phoned Detroit Lions coaches last month to offer insight into the Green Bay Packers offense prior to their matchup.
This begs the question: who has been calling the Lions opponent every week?

Tampa Bay Rays upper management looks like they probably got ID'd when purchasing the champagne for their pennant celebration.

Penn State beat Michigan for the first time since 1996.
This was so long ago, some of UM's latest recruits were just getting out of diapers - and Joe Paterno was just getting into his.

Michael Lewis' nonfiction bestseller "Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game" is being developed as a motion picture possibly starring Brad Pitt.
What's next: is Bill James' agent shopping around old Baseball Abstracts?

The Chicago Blackhawks fired coach Denis Savard after just 4 games of the new NHL season.
From a season-time frame perspective, this is the equivalent of an NFL coach getting fired during the second half of the opener.
Or less time than it takes Al Davis to wash a track suit.

Barack Obama has taken out billboard ads inside EA Sports online video games.
John McCain is firing back during the World Series with scoreboard and outfield ads in Yankee Stadium.

Researchers say bullying in the workplace has become such a big problem in Canada they have launched a website to help people fight back.
The first few people to join were members of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

Bad news for Kwame Brown: the NBA announced it is eliminating 80 jobs in the U.S.

Have you seen a blocked punt more all over it than the Cardinals-Cowboys in OT Sunday?
I've had shoe shines with less contact.

On a wild day in college football, Nos. 1, 3 and 4 fell.
It was like the dream scenario that never materialized for Robert Wagner in the Austin Powers movies.

O.J. Simpson's lawyers cited judicial errors and insufficient evidence Friday in seeking a new trial.
Simpson's appeal for a new trial alleges prosecutors improperly allowed the removal of two prospective jurors.
The part of the juror screening questionnaire I love is this gem: "Are you aware of any previous O.J. Simpson trials?"
This ensures that his jury will be made up of cavemen, theoretical particle physics researchers and citizens of North Korea.

Evander Holyfield has been offered a title fight in Germany with WBA heavyweight champion Nikolai Valuev in December.
What - was Kimbo Slice unavailable?

Barry Bonds was the honorary chair of Tuesday night's annual lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree in San Francisco.
Next month, Mark McGwire will lead the traditional Easter Egg hunt of pills on the BALCO's front lawn.

Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin will drop the puck for the ceremonial faceoff at the Philadelphia Flyers season opener Saturday night.
Hope she does better than her previous experience refereeing hockey players.

A California woman has been charged with stalking LA Lakers forward Luke Walton.
She has done what no New York Knick has been able to: closely shadow an NBA player.

A Toronto investment firm executive is the #1 suspect in a series of local bank robberies.
It's the region's biggest recent financial crime outside of the Maple Leafs and their season ticket holders.

Notre Dame may be unranked after 4-1 for the first time ever, but coach Charlie Weis was ranked #1 by South Bend/Goshen, IN buffet restaurant owners in their annual "Most Feared Customer" poll.

In an EliteXC MMA bout on CBS Saturday night, Seth Petruzelli TKO'd Kimbo Slice at 14 seconds of the 1st Round.
It's believed to be the fastest collapse on prime-time network TV since the Couric-Palin interview and the Caveman sitcom.

The entire University of Wisconsin band has been suspended from the Badgers big showdown game with Ohio State Saturday night for "inappropriate alcohol use, hazing and sexualized behavior".
There goes a whole week of prepping for their planned halftime show: a tribute to Motley Crue.

The Vancouver Canucks named Roberto Luongo their new captain, despite the NHL not having had a goalie as captain in over 60 years and it being against league rules.
(No, Canucks fans, "Captain Kirk" doesn't count.)
The Canucks are really thinking outside the box: their zamboni driver is running for Transportation Minister.

Investigators ruled that no Chinese gymnasts were underage in Beijing and no medals would be lost.
Lance Armstrong immediately praised the probe and asked that they monitor his 2009 Tour de France campaign.

Among the Yankee Stadium items being broken up and sold to collectors: urinals.
I hope they are cleaning those before mailing them out. That's one sports item you don't want billed as "game-used".

NBC ADDS FLIPPER TO FALL 2009 LINEUP

Burbank, CA - In a move that caught both GE shareholders and animal rights activists off guard, NBC announced it will be taping a new series of Flipper and building its fall 2009 schedule around it.

"We were in a brainstorming meeting when it suddenly occurred to us," explained NBC CEO Jeff Zucker, "Its been awhile since we had a prime time sitcom featuring a Bottlenose Dolphin! That's exactly what everyone needs now."

The original series ran for three seasons on NBC from 1964 to '67. The remake, tentatively titled either "Flipper 2.0" or "So You Think You Can Tail Walk?", will set Flipper in Lake Michigan helping inner-city Chicago youth overcome their day-to-day problems with humorous attitude.

England defeated Croatia 4-1 in a game that was accompanied by a warning from dentists: "Don't watch in HD."

I see photos of Raiders fans in chain-mail cloaked hoods.
I thought they were pirates, now they're medieval knights?
Pick a gay fantasy look and stick with it.

FEMA's learned a lot in 3 years: with Gustav bearing down on the Gulf Coast, the U.S. is set to dispatch Michael Phelps to the hurricane flooding relief area.

AL STEWART'S YEAR OF THE RAT

On a morning in the Beijing time zone
In a country where they turn back time
A pretty toothed little girl goes through the motions
As if she were a mime
She comes out of the smog in a silk hazmat suit
Like someone in The China Syndrome
Don't bother asking for explanations
She'll just say she feels at home
In the Year of the Rat

While the fireworks were over the top
We find out later Photoshop
And the underage gymnasts sweep the gold medals
Somebody call a cop
From local vendors at the market stalls
You can buy a copy of Dark Knight
A holy man in the mountains?
Don't bother putting up a fight
In the Year of the Rat

Bolt's so ahead he never leans
Without even tying up his laces
He trains on incense and leafy greens
Take a puff and you'll see hazy stuff just like
The Year of the Rat

Well, morning comes at the Water Cube
Michael Phelps has broken from the pack
More gold than Mr. T; he's won as many medals
As England plus Iraq
But the homer judging of the games remain
Like Tom Lemming with his ND leans
Don't bother asking for the real truth
Cause nothing's ever as it seems
In the Year of the Rat

The Great Wall of China is one of only two man-made objects visible from space.
The other is Barry Bonds' head.

Swedish wrestler Ara Abrahamian angrily threw away his bronze medal in disgust in a protest over the judging in his semi-final bout.
The Canadian Olympic team immediately asked if they could have it.

Canada's top architects are in Beijing, designing a 4th step on the medal podium.

The Vancouver Canucks are running a contest that allows fans to design goalie Curtis Sanford's mask.
This isn't unique: the Philadelphia Flyers held a pre-season contest years ago to design Eric Lindros' cast.

How come no Cuban athletes are defecting in China?

Beijing authorities claim the haze enveloping the city is not smog but "mist".
Of course, they also refer to their army's visits to Tibet as a soccer friendly.

Brett Favre is looking forward to getting away from Green Bay's media circus and finding some peace and quiet in New York.

The U.S. Olympic Cycling Team apologized Wednesday for arriving at the Beijing Airport wearing face masks, explaining that they were only wearing them because they had to luggage check their hazmat suits.

The Green Bay Packers Tuesday placed Brett Favre on their non-football injury list.
He's got bruised feelings and is listed as "minute-to-minute".

Greek basketball team Olympiakos, of Athens, which signed Josh Childress to a 3-year contract in July, is reportedly interested in signing LeBron James when he becomes a free agent in 2010.
If James goes over there for a year he can get some night club recommendations from Shaq, such as The Parthenon.

NASA has confirmed there is water and ice on Mars.
Somewhere, Gary Bettman is drooling.

Seattle has become one of the first major American cities to discourage the use of plastic shopping bags after a city council vote.
The final straw came when the Seattle Supersonics recently moved their entire franchise to Oklahoma City in plastic bags.

The WNBA has garnered the first A-plus given in an annual diversity report card on race and gender in sports.
The previous highest grade was awarded in 1998 when Dennis Rodman received an A.

Nike has pulled an ad campaign showing a basketball player's face in an opponent's crotch and will replace it with a photo featuring someone dunking over an 11-year old Indonesian sweatshop worker.

Video piracy and counterfeiting in Asia remains a problem: there's already a DVD available of the opening ceremonies in Beijing.

The International Olympic Committee banned Iraq from next month's Summer Games in Beijing due to "government interference".
Really? I assumed China would feature that as a demonstration sport.

The Army has ordered Detroit 7th round draft pick Caleb Campbell to fulfill a less confusing and more promising two years than playing for the Lions: serving in Iraq or Afghanistan.

A rotting great blue heron carcass dangling above a Vancouver tennis tournament isn't going anywhere, due to concerns over disturbing the colony.
It's the biggest stink made at a tennis match since John McEnroe retired.

Green Bay Packers CB Charles Woodson has come out with his own wine label, "24", producing a merlot and a cabernet.
Next up: a Lambeau Field ice wine.

Seeking to address their weakness against left-handed pitching, the New York Yankees have signed released Seattle Mariner Richie Sexson, who will platoon at 1B with Jason Giambi.
The move could be a good one: Sexson actually had good hitting stats in limited at-bats this season vs lefties. Against righties, Sexson was about as productive as a T-ball stand.

Renovations to Rutgers University's football stadium in New Jersey have unearthed 250-year old broken beer bottles.
Also found were tailgate bratwursts so full of nitrates they had retained all their original nutritional value.

The Winnipeg Blue Bombers were "scrambling to protect their reputation" today after racy photos of ex-members of their cheerleading squad became a minor Internet sensation.
Their reputation? Yeah, let's not let a little flesh make us lose sight of the fact that the mosquito capital of Canada hasn't won a Grey Cup in 18 years.

Perpetually dog-housed Ottawa netminder Ray Emery has signed a 1-year contract to play hockey in Russia.
In Soviet Russia, practice disrupt goalie!

Chiefs TE Tony Gonzalez saved a man in a Huntington Beach, CA restaurant by performing the Heimlich Maneuver.
It's the first time a receiver has prevented someone from choking since David Tyree's catch in the Super Bowl.

3-star point guard Chris Duhon verballed to the New York Knicks Friday, ahead of National Signing Day on July 9.
Recruiting analyst Tom Lemming ranks the Knicks incoming 2009 class as one of the top 30 in the league.

Canada Post has been named an Official Supplier to the 2010 Winter Games.
I'm sure the athletes will be spurred on to their quickest times ever knowing the postal system is behind them.
This is like AA sponsoring Oktoberfest.

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre and the Packers have had discussions regarding a possible comeback as Green Bay's QB this season.
This guy's having more farewells and endings than The Return of the King.

Finally, a winner has been declared in the $2+ million Floyd Landis vs U.S. Anti-Doping Agency court case: the lawyers.

The Pittsburgh Steelers took care of some laundry and cleaned out their closet by releasing RB Najeh Davenport.

After losing to the Connecticut Sun Friday night, the Atlanta Dream fell to 0-14, the worst start in WNBA history.
Fans in Atlanta are starting to show up for Dream games wearing shopping bags over their heads.

Kids under 17 who attend World Team Tennis matches get a free tennis racket.
If Roger Clemens comes back, kids under 17 who attend his starts will get free legal representation.

A pro-Tibet protester ran onto the pitch during the Germany-Turkey match Wednesday and made it across most of the field before being tackled by a security guard.
It was a longer run than anyone made during the Spain-Italy quarterfinal.

The NHL suspended Anaheim Ducks owner Henry Samueli after he was convicted of making a false statement to the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Samueli told the SEC Chris Pronger wasn't a dirty player.

Former Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was ordered Monday to install an ignition-lock breath tester in his car after he was charged with drunken driving.
Those devices work on other types of keys, too; remember when Ed McMahon lost his house?

After NBC extended its contract with Notre Dame football for five extra years despite historically low audiences for the Irish last season, chairman Dick Ebersol called Notre Dame a premier brand that defines the network.
Well, that's true: NBC remains in 4th and last place in the ratings.

23 Turks were shot by stray bullets during celebratory gunfire after Turkey's quarterfinal Euro Cup soccer win over Croatia.
That's more damage than Turkish marksmen did during WWII.

Chinese officials accuse the Dalai Lama of trying to sabotage the Beijing Olympics and preparing "suicide squads" to carry out attacks.
Good one, China! I love science fiction.
How is he trying to "sabotage" the Olympics?
Pushing yoga as a demonstration sport?
Dissident Chinese states: putting the "demonstration" back in demonstration sport.

The NHL is seeking to kick the Rangers (and Madison Square Garden, etc.) owners out of the league after they accused the NHL of violating antitrust laws by monopolizing control of team promotions.
Right - if Bettman and the NHL had control of the promotions they'd be playing 2-on-2 beach hockey in Cancun.

A European TV broadcaster accidentally ran old Nazi lyrics subtitled during the German anthem before their match with Austria.
Ratings plummeted in France as viewers instinctively fled their homes.

Saskatchewan has been announced as an official participant in the 2010 Winter Olympics.
I thought cow tipping was a summer sport.

Severe thunderstorms today forced the cancellation of the last scheduled Hall Of Fame baseball game in Cooperstown, NY, between the Cubs and the Padres.
To make up for it, next month Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds will stage a "Hall Of Shame" pitching and batting exhibition.
First 5,000 fans to arrive get a free Bud Selig bobblehead.

You know it's June when...
these are the top 3 college football headlines on Sportsline.com:
# Curry accepts 5-year deal as Georgia State's first coach
# Curry accepts new challenge as Georgia State coach
# Georgia State to make Curry first coach