One of the new United Football League teams is the Las Vegas Locomotives.
Right...nothing says "train travel" like Vegas.
The only people riding the rails there these days are real estate developers escaping the construction collapse.
I wonder where those tracks lead to?
Probably a jazz venue in Salt Lake City.

A beer hit the Phils Shane Victorino at Wrigley Field.
Maybe they had Eddie Vedder back and it fell out of the press box.

District 9 opens this weekend; an area full of secrets where things go horribly wrong.
It's set in Louisville, Kentucky.

San Diego Chargers CB Antonio Cromartie was fined for using Twitter to complain about the food at training camp.
Twitter fears another collapse as Charlie Weis and Notre Dame open camp Monday.

The 33rd America's Cup race will be run in February in the southern Persian Gulf.
I hope they can squeeze it in before the pirates report for spring training.

Hawaii football coach Greg McMackin got a 30-day suspension, a cut in salary and will work with LGBT groups after he used an anti-gay slur.
This would never have happened if they hadn't dropped "Rainbows" from their team nickname.

I'm surprised the NY Mets fired Tony Bernazard before President Obama could have him and the Binghampton Mets over for lunch in the White House Rose Garden.

President Obama has invited the Harvard professor and the Cambridge, MA police officer who arrested him in his own home to the White House.
Mark Buehrle must be wondering what he needs to do on a baseball field to get past a phone call.

Manny Ramirez became the first Dodger to homer on his bobblehead night, although Steve Garvey once homered on Father's Day.

The video of the dunk against LeBron was less conclusive than the Zapruder film.

Quentin Richardson's been traded three times this summer.
"Q" is weighing his next sponsor options: Nike, Reebok or U-Haul.

Tattoo artists are breathing a sigh of relief: MMA star Kimo Leopoldo is still alive.

Pedro Martinez was placed on the disabled list after he apparently strained a shoulder signing his one-year contract with the Phillies.

Ex-NBAer Antoine Walker has achieved what was thought to be a mathematical impossibility: for the first time in 10 years, someone owes Planet Hollywood money.

Rumors of a Shaq fight in UFC.
Shaq in the Octagon will last less time than Kobe in the jewelry store.

Home Run Derby winner Prince Fielder was the first player to reach the finals of both that event and Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

You know we're in the post-steroid era when Brandon Inge is in the Home Run Derby.

Florida State is appealing the NCAA's decision to strip Bobby Bowden of wins after 61 athletes allegedly cheated on an online music exam.
The university seeks to allow the students to make up the course credit on Guitar Hero.

10 injured in Friday's Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
Some were Minnesota Timberwolves execs trapped fleeing between the steers and Ricky Rubio's buyout.

Nike officials confiscated tapes from two cameramen who filmed a college player dunking over LeBron James at his Skills Academy.
Where was this summer camp - Tehran?

The Padres experienced a 52-minute bee swarm delay in the top of the 9th when they hosted the Astros.
Unfortunately for San Diego, Petco Park cuts off mead sales after the 6th.

The top lefthanded pitching prospect in the world disappeared from the Cuban national team in Rotterdam.
Cuba's baseball team has the only bullpen car that converts to a boat.

Toronto Argonaut WR Arland Bruce was penalized and fined by the CFL after a bizarre "tribute" to Michael Jackson where he lay down on the field and pretended he was dead.
Didn't his whole team do that all last season?

The L.A. Clippers are giving away a chance at free flights for anyone joining their website.
I wonder how many Clipper players are signing up in hopes of a one-way ticket?

The Suns and Cavaliers made a trade that will see Shaquille O'Neal team with LeBron James.
Isn't that like hitching a trailer to a Ferrari?

192 people who put their names on a waiting list in the 1970s will be able to buy season tickets to the Green Bay Packers this year.
A similar waiting list of people will finally be allowed into Studio 54.

Former Browns QB Bernie Kosar filed for bankruptcy.
What happened to all those economics classes he took as a student-athlete at the University of Miami?

Iran failed to qualify for the 2010 World Cup, so we will be spared their government news agency telling their people they beat Brazil 3-0.

A bankruptcy judge rejected the sale and relocation of the Phoenix Coyotes to Jim Balsillie.
This may be the first time anyone's ever been disappointed at not being able to spend their winter in Hamilton, Ontario instead of Arizona.

The New York Times reported that Sammy Sosa failed a drug test in 2003, but didn't identify the drug.
I think it's safe to say it wasn't truth serum.

Saturday Night at Progressive Field the Cleveland Indians are putting on Shin-Soo Choo '80s Bobblehead Night.
I don't understand the '80s angle, except that was when Dave Winfield beaned a seagull with a throw.

Cubs RF Milton Bradley caught a fly ball with a runner on third for the 2nd out, and then tossed the ball to fans in the bleachers.
If you're scoring along, that's E-9, IQ-10.

Shin-Soo Choo singled off a low-flying seagull in the bottom of the 10th to lead the Indians to victory over the Royals.
It was the most publicized ballplayer hitting a bird since A-Rod was seeing Madonna.

The University of Minnesota may ban booze sales at games this fall, as officials say it sends the wrong message to students.
Profit-making certainly seems out of step with today's business environment.

Fordham University is going to start giving out football scholarships next year.
In related news, Florida State is going to start awarding academic scholarships.

A new group wants an NHL expansion franchise named the Toronto Legacy, and say they envision a 30,000-seat arena where half the tickets are affordable for hockey fans.
That's just what the NHL needs: a team with 15,000 tickets every game that are unaffordable to hockey fans.

Denver Broncos WR Brandon Marshall is free to play in the NFL in 2009 after being cleared from his latest domestic dispute.
Marshall dropped 18 "on-target" passes last year, something he blamed on nerve damage to his arm after he put it through a TV set.
And to think the NFL promoted the "Cavemen" series.

Ohio State lost a postseason game 37-6?!?
This "June-uary" moniker may be gaining in relevance.

Texas beat Boston College 3-2 in 25 innings in the longest game in NCAA history.
Or as Bud Selig likes to call it: 2 ties.

The game finished in 7 hours and 3 minutes.
Mike Hargrove couldn't believe how long it took.

Jose Canseco's MMA debut lasted 77 seconds, or about as long as Mr. T's singing career.

The title of Sam Raimi's new movie is "Drag Me To Hell", which sounds like the Iditarod finishing at a Carlos Mencia concert.

Mr. T made Cubs fans' ears experience something their hearts do: pain.

Terminator Salvation had a disappointing weekend at the box office after poor word of mouth.
Joel Quenneville called it the worst movie in the history of cinema.

Notre Dame is interested in playing a football game at new Yankee Stadium.
If it goes ahead, it will be an intriguing combination of a rich, conservative institution whose glory years are fading into memory, and one of college football's legendary programs.

Former NFL QB Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a Texas grand jury on drug and burglary charges.
The Amarillo Globe-News reports that Leaf has been undergoing drug rehabilitation in British Columbia.
That's like moving to Las Vegas to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

First the NBA vs WWE; now Game 4 of the Penguins-Hurricanes series at Raleigh's RBC Center is double-booked against a Charlie Daniels Band concert.

The WWE's Monday Night Raw is scheduled for Denver's Pepsi Center Monday night at the same time as the Nuggets are slated to host the L.A. Lakers.
Too bad Gary Bettman isn't running their playoffs: they could hold the events concurrently.

L.A. Angels starter John Lackey was ejected after just two pitches.
Sounds like Dane Cook's last visit to a studio lot.

Detroit police say a woman was hit by a chair thrown by Anaheim GM Bob Murray after the Ducks lost Game 7 to the Red Wings.
Murray and Chris Pronger are more likely to get on Jerry Springer before ESPN.

The President of the Philippines declared boxer Manny Pacquiao a "special envoy of peace".
The President of the Dominican Republic calls Manny Ramirez a special envoy of bald men who don't use women's fertility drugs to mask performance-enhancers.

A Yanni concert at the Penguins arena Tuesday forced Games 4 and 5 to be held back-to-back Friday and Saturday night in Pittsburgh and Washington.
Yanni will open the show by raising Jaromir Jagr's mullet to the rafters.

The Minnesota Vikings have reportedly been sent X-rays of Brett Favre's injured right shoulder and bruised ego.

Former Nebraska Cornhuskers QB Sam Keller is suing EA Sports and the NCAA, saying the videogame maker wrongly uses the likenesses of athletes.
Can a Cincinnati Bengals class-action against Grand Theft Auto be far behind?

Reports are Brett Favre is planning a comeback to get "revenge" on the Packers.
Easton (PA) and Phillipsburg (NJ) high schools' 1993 football teams think it's time he gave it a rest.

Rio de Janeiro hopes to host the 2016 Summer Olympics.
If selected, their mascot will be a giant, animated herpes sore.

Despite Gary Bettman's attempts to sell the NHL in the deep south, secessionist Georgia gubernatorial candidate Neal Horsley has been ordered to stay at least 100 meters away from the Red Wings Johan Franzen.

All pro soccer games in Mexico this weekend will be played without fans in the stadia.
Good precaution: the Florida Marlins have never had an infectious disease outbreak in Dolphins Stadium.

The Swine Flu scare has gotten so bad, Mike Vick has taken to calling himself Ron Honduras.

Its become clear that the main feature of the Oakland Raiders draft war room is a dartboard.

NFL commish Roger Goodell dismissed reports the NFL has held "substantive talks" with London to host a Super Bowl.
Good; for a moment I thought they'd hired Gary Bettman as a consultant.

14 of the record 20 home runs hit in the first four games at new Yankee Stadium have been to right field, raising concerns there may be a wind tunnel.
Old Yankee Stadium, of course, also had a wind tunnel: emanating from George Steinbrenner's office.

USC coach Pete Carroll is writing a book.
The working title is: "Can You Believe I'm 18 Years Older Than Angel Cabrera?"

The last living Titanic survivor is auctioning off mementos from the era, including a canvas mail sack she may have been lifted into a lifeboat in, letters from the estate of a fellow survivor, and a Joe Paterno rookie card.

In winning the #1 pick in the NHL Draft, the New York Islanders will now start entertaining offers from Brian Burke and the Toronto Maple Leafs, who covet John Tavares worse than Freddie Prinze, Jr. wants another Scooby Doo movie.

A concrete viewing platform has collapsed before a NASCAR event at Ohio's Columbus Motor Speedway.
Paleolithic experts are racing to examine the scene.

RECLUSIVE ACTOR EMERGES FROM HIDING FOR RARE SCREEN APPEARANCE

Hollywood (VLM) - Film buffs across North America today are buzzing with anticipation over the opening of "Observe and Report", which features a large role for one of Hollywood's most elusive stars, the notoriously camera-shy Seth Rogen.

"You never know what you're going to get with Seth," said fan Jay Walker, of Chatsworth, CA. "He has such a chameleon-like persona. One movie he's a bemused slacker; a few years later he re-emerges as a sardonic pothead."

Often considered the J.D. Salinger of celluloid, Rogen has been little seen in recent years. His last public appearance is believed to have been in Dallas in 2006, where he was Grand Marshall of the annual Support For The War On Drugs Parade.

Paparazzi trying to take photos at Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's second wedding last weekend say they had their car windshields shot out by her bodyguards.
Seems a little hypocritical given her husband's team's history with illicit videography.

In allowing 13 baserunners and six runs in 4.1 innings, along with zero strikeouts, C.C. Sabathia had the worst New York debut since Carrie: The Musical.

A U.S. bankruptcy judge said Michael Vick needs to make $7.5 to 8 million per over the next three years to break even financially.
That's about as likely to happen as him winning The Iditarod.

The Sacramento Kings retired Vlade Divac's #21.
The jersey will lie on the floor of Arco Arena.

The Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals will meet August 13th in an exhibition rematch of their Super Bowl clash.
Scheduled to perform on the halftime show are John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band.

Gary Bettman is adamantly opposed to NHL player participation in any Winter Olympics after Vancouver, beginning with Sochi, Russia in 2014.
No doubt Bettman would change his tune if Lake Tahoe, Las Vegas or Puerto Rico were awarded a future games.

The date for the 2010 Oscars is moving forward two weeks to avoid clashing with the closing ceremony of Vancouver's Winter Olympics.
Prime time television can only handle one cheesy, melodramatic extravaganza per night.

20-year-old Pittsburgh Pirates OF prospect Jose Tabata's 43-year-old wife has been charged with abducting a 2-month-old baby from a Florida couple.
Does that make her a cradle-robber?

In the Women's NCAA Tournament, #9 seed Michigan State beat #1 seed Duke in East Lansing, MI in the Berkeley regional.
Is it any wonder American college students have a weak grasp of geography?

The new Women's Professional Soccer league launching Sunday announced it will allow select players to send out Twitter updates during games.
It's expected some of these accounts will have tens of "followers".

Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis announced he plans to stay on the field for games this fall.
The impact on press box caterers will deal another harsh blow to the northern Indiana economy.

The Washington Capitals Alex Ovechkin celebrated his 50th goal by putting his stick on the ice and then mimed warming his hands over it.
Some observers called it hot-dogging; when Alex was a toddler in the Soviet Union it was called central heating.

President Barack Obama, for some reason guesting on Jay Leno Thursday night (what - was Octomom unavailable?), referred to his recent bowling score of 129 as "like Special Olympics or something".
Can't we finally stop referencing the Bush administration?

Lazy headline editors across the country were devastated by Butler's opening-round NCAA loss.

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, reacting to being left out of President Obama's Final Four picks, said "the economy is something he should focus on".
Uh, Coach K, it's the day before the tournament starts; shouldn't you be focused on something other than whining about celebrity bracket picks?

How long is the World Baseball Classic going on for?
This thing makes Wagner's Ring Cycle feel like a 3-minute music video.

The NHL announced it's moving its 2009 Awards show from Toronto to Las Vegas.
The featured performers will be Siegfried & Patrick Roy.

A Cuban has defected to the U.S. at the World Baseball Classic.
Instead of a player, it was a TV technician.
He said he needed to fulfill his dream of working in color.

A big Arsenal fan friend of mine explained how Osama bin Laden could attend matches in the '90s without being attacked or arrested: "People were too busy beating up Spurs fans to worry about turning on one of their own".

Iran announced it will send its first female skier to compete in Vancouver at the Winter Olympics, stating she will compete wearing "full Islamic dress".
That didn't work out very well in Beijing for their women's swim team.

Isiah Thomas says he is doing OK and helping the New York Knicks prepare for the draft.
This is like Dick Cheney helping with gun control.

Team U.S.A. was embarrassed at the World Baseball Classic when their game against Puerto Rico was stopped with the Americans down 10 runs in the 7th inning, invoking the Little League-style "mercy rule".
The Puerto Ricans then celebrated by having their manager take them out for pizza and ice cream at Chuck E. Cheese's.

The Oakland Raiders sent a scathing letter to Tennessee about their ex-coach Lane Kiffin, alleging he may at some point have actively supplied information about the team to its opponents.
Do the Raiders know that preseason loss last year was to the Titans and not the Volunteers?

The general manager of Vancouver's 2010 Winter Olympic games has announced he is retiring this spring.
Hey - whatever happened to the captain going down with his ship?

The Toronto Maple Leafs have inked a deal to have their playoff games broadcast on the new Obituary Channel.

Jacksonville Jaguars WR Matt Jones is off to jail after violating terms of the plea deal in his drug case by drinking a couple of beers while playing golf with his buddies last week.
Of course, a recovering drug user should never be golfing in the first place: the windmill is bound to remind him of Amsterdam.

A-Rod's out til May? Oh, no - he's gonna miss his best month of the year.

Terrell Owens should fit in in Buffalo like Jimmy Fallon has slid into the Late Nite chair.

Terrell Owens' agent says to expect a deal within a week.
It's unclear if he means signing with an NFL team or an endorsement agreement with Sharpie pens.

Bad Timing Award: Just what the global economy didn't need: everyone on the planet taking two and a half weeks off to watch the World Baseball Classic.

Miami beat Phoenix 135-129.
The Big Ten wants to know if this was over 2 games or 3?

The Dallas Cowboys have released Terrell Owens less than 9 months after he signed a lucrative 4-year contract.
Can't wait to see he and Jerry Jones' pre-nups.

The Dakar Rally announced it will again hold its race in Chile and Argentina in January, 2010, despite the economy and the death of a driver in this year's event.
Organizers will now require all drivers to have raced in a World Rally competition, one Dakar Rally in the past three years, and have a 100% completion rate in Gran Turismo.

Who will return to Hawaii first: the Pro Bowl or Notre Dame?