Did we really need a total-body scanner at Toronto's Pearson Airport to reveal Maple Leafs goalies massive five-holes?

Just one more weekend to get out of the way and it will finally be time for the Pro Bowl.

The New York Knicks didn't get much sleep in Oklahoma City, claiming their hotel was "haunted" and "scary".
When did Reggie Miller become a hotelier?

According to People magazine, Tiger Woods has checked into a sex rehab facility in Arizona for several weeks, and should be out by Valentine's Day.
Is that really the best time to release him?
That's like a gambling addict recovering just in time for the World Series of Poker.

The Detroit Pistons Ben Gordon scored the NBA's 10 millionth point Saturday night.
As befits the Pistons these days, their opponent - the Philadelphia 76ers - then scored the 10 millionth first through thirteenth points in NBA history.

Four Washington Wizards were fined $10,000 for smiling or laughing on the basketball court.
The Harlem Globetrotters are rethinking their spring tour itinerary.

An anti-BCS ad will air during the BCS Championship Game.
This is like Gary Bettman making an on-camera appearance in the Stanley Cup finals.

Washington fired Jim Zorn by escorting him out of their offices at 4:45am?
That appears to be the most carefully executed Redskins game plan of the year.

I don't think the Insight Bowl is going to provide much insight into anything.

Ballots are out for NFL Player of the Year.
The '72 Miami Dolphins are voting for Curtis Painter.

The NBA and Washington Wizards are investigating Gilbert Arenas for storing firearms in his locker.
Why doesn't Washington just go back to the Bullets nickname? They're not fooling anyone with this PC stuff.
How often do you read about a player in trouble for casting spells?

Tulsa, Oklahoma is putting together a bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics.
The demonstration sports will be hunting and fishing.

The Pacquiao-Mayweather fight may be in jeopardy after Manny said it's against his superstition to be tested for drugs within 30 days of a bout.
And he said he'd have no further comment until the birth of an albino water buffalo calf.

A missing Quebec teenager may have been seen on tape behind Guy Lafleur in a TV interview.
In a similar story, Martin Havlat was spotted in the background of a Mikko Koivu interview.

The man who sold the gun that killed Steve McNair got 2.5 years in prison and took a hit to his eBay seller approval rating.

USC is investigating Joe McKnight's use of a Land Rover belonging to a local businessman.
What is with Trojan tailbacks and SUVs?
At least Al Cowlings wasn't driving.

The Angels signed Hideki Matsui to a 1-year, $6.5 million deal.
He'll be paid $4 million in cash and the rest in ownership of a movie studio in Chatsworth.

Charles Barkley says Tiger Woods changed his cell phone number the day after his infamous car accident.
Yeah, probably to a 555 number.

The NFL fined Chad Ochocinco $30,000 after he put on a poncho and sombrero when scoring a touchdown.
Maybe he was just celebrating his heritage?
Be thankful he wasn't named Chad Quatre-vingt-cinq; he would have put on a striped sailor shirt and a beret.

An NBA Developmental League team owner in Utah is apologizing to fans after he hired a Michael Jordan look-alike to appear at a game billed to feature an appearance by Jordan himself.
Fans realized he was an imposter after the man thanked everyone he played with, for and against over the years.

The NCAA Basketball Tournament is talking with broadcasters about expanding the field of teams from 64 to 96.
That's going to make for a gripping play-in game.
I'm also worried about the trickle-down effect on other tourneys: "CBI champs" just won't have the same prestigious ring to it.

Florida coach Urban Meyer was treated for dehydration at a hospital after Saturday's loss to Alabama in the SEC Championship Game.
Well, being their first loss of the season, he did miss the Gatorade shower.

The irony gods are relentless: the Chinese zodiac's Year of the Tiger begins the day after Valentine's Day, 2010.

Mark Sanchez injured his leg scrambling for a first down. He's not used to seeing Joe Girardi's "hold up" sign.

1-10 Tampa Bay at 4-7 Carolina has the potential to create the most couch-sleeping this weekend outside of Tiger Woods' house.

President Obama's 30,000 troops to Afghanistan will be the largest manpower deployment since paparazzi to Isleworth.

The Saskatchewan Roughriders lost the CFL's Grey Cup championship game on a too many men on the field flag, and with it, hundreds of dollars in endorsement deals.

Grey Cup final score (28-27) actually resembles normal football game.

The height of irony? At last, Tim Tebow will work on Sundays.

Tiger Woods hit a tree and a fire hydrant?
His driving sounds like my golf game.

An ancient weapon was found at the building site of a new Windsor, Ontario arena.
No, it wasn't a Chris Chelios stick.

Joe Mauer would have been unanimous for the AL MVP, except for Keizo Konishi of Japan's Kyodo News who voted for Miguel Cabrera.
Konishi also voted for Godzilla over Bernie Madoff for worst monster of the year.

LSU lost 25-23 at Ole Miss, exhibiting the worst clock management since Flavor Flav.

L.A. Clippers play-by-play announcer Ralph Lawler was suspended one game by Fox for remarks he made about Memphis center Hamed Haddadi.
Lawler has broadcast over 2,400 Clippers games.
Hasn't he suffered enough?

Prime Minister Stephen Harper visited the Golden Temple, one of India's holiest sites.
Indian President Pratibha Patil plans to make a similar gesture on his return visit to Canada, when he'll visit the Hockey Hall of Fame.

In World Cup qualifying, France's Thierry Henry had the most controversial use of hands since Bud Adams.

Wyoming beat Peru State 120-73 in college basketball.
Was that in Laramie or Lima?

Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for giving Buffalo fans the finger.
It's the first time anyone associated with the 2009 Titans has raised a single digit in the air.

The Pontiac Silverdome sold to a Canadian real estate company for $583,000.
Why so cheap? They have to take the Detroit Lions back as a tenant.

Michelle Wie won her first LPGA Tour tournament.
To put it in perspective, this is like the Segway finally beating a shopping cart in a race.

The Calgary Stampeders Teyo Johnson was stabbed at a KISS concert.
It was believed to be during the song "I Was Made For Loving You", and self-inflicted.

Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for flashing an official a dollar bill during a video review.
This was the worst financial return on the humorous dollar for a video since The Love Guru.

Three freshmen Tennessee Volunteers football players were arrested for armed robbery.
None of them redshirted this season, but they may soon be moving on to their second set of orange shirts.

Eight members of the Hamilton Tiger-Cats have been fined for jumping in a boat near the end zone after scoring a TD against Winnipeg.
When Chad Ochocinco hears about this, his head is going to explode.

World Series MVP Hideki Matsui became a free agent Monday.
Expect a lot of frantic negotiations between Yankees brass and Tri-State Region porn dealers.

The list of MLB free agents looks like the roster of The Bad News Bears without the charm.
It's as if all the most overpaid, overrated, aging players all became eligible at once.
Good luck to any GM searching for Easter eggs in that minefield.

Former MLB-er Victor Zambrano's mother was kidnapped in Venezuela.
The criminals' demands: Magglio Ordonez's aunt and two 2nd cousins to be named later.

Toronto was awarded the 2015 Pan-Am Games over Lima, Peru and Bogota, Columbia.
Sweet revenge after finishing third behind Lima and Bogota to host the 2014 Cocaine Games.

The Knicks and Nets have started the NBA season a combined 1-13.
Prepare a parade down the "Canyon of Zeroes".

Is Sammy Sosa trying to get cast as The Joker in the next Batman movie?

The Yankees organization celebrated their World Series victory by reportedly ordering 200 bottles of champagne in a New York City restaurant.
The sommelier was summoned after Mark Teixeira repeatedly failed to open the bottles with a sword.

The movie The Men Who Stare At Goats opens this weekend.
Finally, a documentary on Bill Buckner and the 1986 World Series.

Adidas has discontinued its deal with Central Florida over Michael Jordan's freshman son Marcus's insistence to wear Nikes.
This is the biggest battle over shoes since The Wizard of Oz.

The Alberta government is investigating why the Calgary Flames received the H1N1 vaccination before at-risk members of the general public.
The mood is reversed in Ontario, where the public is urging authorities to give the Maple Leafs a needle.

L.A. Clippers owner and real estate mogul Donald Sterling is paying a multi-million dollar legal settlement after his company discriminated against renting apartments to Hispanics, blacks and families with children.
Clippers fans wish he would put as much effort into draft preparation as tenant screening.

Michigan is 5-4 and struggling.
Rich Rodriguez is having a longer transition period than Dr. Renee Richards.

Andre Agassi said he lost the 1990 French Open final because he was worried his wig would fall apart.
That's why Howard Cosell "never played the game".

The New York City Marathon famously passes through all 5 boroughs.
Like a tourist in the Big Apple, they both spend as little time as possible on Staten Island.

The NFL should listen up on head injuries: if anyone knows anything about malfunctioning brains it's the U.S. Congress.

Shocking admission from Andre Agassi that caught the public unawares: he has a book coming out.

With each passing game, Native Americans' Supreme Court case that being associated with the Washington Redskins is offensive is mounting.

Where is Danica Patrick in the IndyCar series standings?
Bob Griese says she's out having a Cosmo.

The 0-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers are lucky NFL Europe no longer exists.
After their loss at Wembley Stadium they might be facing relegation.

In interviews, Edmonton Oilers G Jeff Deslauriers sounds uncannily like Fred from MacInTalk.

The 0-7-1 Maple Leafs are the biggest flop in Toronto since the Lord of the Rings musical.

Thank goodness B.C. Place Stadium's retractable roof is going to be finished in time for the 2011 Grey Cup.
I can't imagine a big late November football game in Vancouver without sunshine.

Roger Goodell says he's not sure which city the NFL will first have a team competing in: L.A., London or St. Louis?

An ice skating bear attacked two people in the Russian state circus, killing one.
The Anaheim Ducks immediately placed it on their negotiation list.

The Chad Ochocinco iPhone app lets fans track and stay in touch with the Bengals WR.
The Brett Favre app was discontinued after it kept switching service providers.

A court trustee revealed the New York Mets made a profit of $48 million in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme.
Johan Santana must be wondering what's worse: 150 years in prison or 7 years on the Mets?

StubHub sent out an e-mail Monday offering Mets' playoff tickets.
"Be there alongside your New York Mets as they chase baseball immortality."
Apparently, baseball immortality is found on boats and golf courses in Florida.

The postseason umpires have made more wrong calls than the Fort Collins, CO police department.

Only three cities - the fewest in 30 years - are bidding to host the 2018 Winter Olympics.
There are more cities vying to host the next NAMBLA convention.

The New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers meet at Wembley Stadium in London Sunday.
This is the equivalent of Arsenal playing Portsmouth in the U.S.
The NFL UK boss says the Bucs have a "strong fan base" in London.
Oh yeah, if you are wearing Patriots colors instead of the red and pewter in Bucs fan territory in London, trouble's a-brewin'.

The Titans lost 59-0 at New England.
It was the worst performance in snow since the cast of "Snowbeast".

Approximately 5000 fans watched Phoenix host the St. Louis Blues Thursday night.
The Coyotes season ticket list has fewer last names than a Brazilian soccer roster.

Usually objects launched that high into the Colorado air originate from the Coors Field pitching mound.

The Maple Leafs are 0-6 and the Argonauts are 3-11; the Buffalo Bills should fit right in in Toronto.

The Bengals are in first place in the AFC North.
The last time they were on top of something it was the Cincinnati police blotter.

The Chicago Cubs filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection Monday.
Their next celebrity 7th-inning stretch singer will be MC Hammer.

Experts project that the swine flu could cause more lost U.S. worker productivity this winter than any affliction other than March Madness.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist has issued a statement backing embattled FSU coach Bobby Bowden.
It was a highly unusual show of public support, as the governor's office usually only gets involved with significant state events and election results.

Golf and rugby have been voted into the Olympics for 2016.
Bocce and parkour went home empty-handed.

The Pontiac Silverdome is for sale.
Does Jay Leno need a new garage?

Canadian PM Stephen Harper reminded Governor General Michaelle Jean that she is not the country's Head of State, after she twice referred to herself as such in a speech.
Harper's clarification on the "Head of State" was applauded by many - particularly Leafs president Brian Burke, who thought he was.

Southern Indiana has been banned from the NCAA Basketball Tournament for alleged violations.
And my bracket gets busted earlier every year.

San Francisco 49ers draft pick Michael Crabtree finally signed a contract today after threatening to sit out his entire NFL career.

The Yankees have decided the ALDS will begin Wednesday night to maximize their home field advantage.
First pitch is 11:00pm in Bronx Park.

The Tigers Miguel Cabrera was taken to a Detroit police station at 6 a.m. after getting into a drunken fight with his wife over whether or not to activate Adam Everett on their fantasy team.

The New York Islanders are threatening to move.
Not even Hamilton, Ontario is interested.

A new book alleges that an employee at an Arizona cryogenics company swung a monkey wrench to dislodge a tuna can stuck to Ted Williams, but instead missed and accidentally hit the famous slugger's head.
Was D-back 3B Mark Reynolds working at the facility?

Rio de Janeiro is so ready to host the Olympics: the shooting venues are already up.

Brett Favre Viking jerseys have flown off the shelves.
It's the NFL's biggest secondary revenue stream after Flozell Adams.

MLS passes new rule prohibiting use of Friendster during matches.

An Aussie rugby player was arrested for trying to have sex with a parking meter.
He was just trying to do what parking meters have always done to us.

Serena Williams was fined $10,000 for threatening to kill a line judge.
Terrelle Pryor asks: what's the big deal?

The CFL rejected the Alouettes protest of their last-minute loss at the B.C. Lions.
It was the most disappointing road trip for a group of Montrealers since the Men Without Hats reunion tour.

Lou Holtz is the ultimate house-sitter.
He can both talk to the plants and water them at the same time.
When people get home from vacation, the house looks like a Rainforest Cafe.

The Pacman Jones to Winnipeg deal is off after Jones got a look at Manitoba strip clubs.

Pacman Jones signed with the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers.
That may not be the best environment for him, as locals carry guns for protection against Manitoba mosquitos.