The Miami Marlins are trying to up their dismal attendance by narrowing their geographical parameters from a state to a city in hopes of making it easier for fans to find them.

Suspended Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh lost control of his car early Saturday morning in Portland, Oregon and hit a curb, light pole, drinking fountain and tree.
Suh is appealing the accident, saying he was just trying to get his balance.

The Nets Deron Williams Turkish league club Besiktas retired his number and had a night in his honor after he played 6 weeks with them.
Call it the Kardashian Award.

2000 Kentucky Derby winner Fusaichi Pegasus has sired a horse named Tebowing.
Handicappers expect this horse to start out slow but make its move after the three-quarters pole.

The NBA and the Players Association reached a tentative agreement, which they announced at a joint 3:40am press conference in New York.
The negotiations featured some of the latest hours since people were writing papers for the players in college.

Major League Baseball announced it will no longer allow the use of chewing tobacco when fans are present.
A number of players immediately requested a trade to a Florida team.

At the rate we're going, Roger Goodell and Ndamukong Suh will be meeting more often than the two NBA sides.

Ndamukong Suh said he was just trying to get himself "on balance".
I don't think we'll be seeing him on Dancing With The Stars anytime soon.

Mexican police stopped a car near the border carrying $15 million in cash.
It was believed the vehicle was travelling to Arizona to make an offer on the Phoenix Coyotes.

Vancouver authorities cleared out the Occupy tent camp on the art gallery's lawn.
They needed the space so visiting Blue Bombers fans have somewhere to stay for Grey Cup weekend.

Rough weekend on college campuses: police pepper-sprayed peaceful protesters at UC-Davis, while students in Eugene, Oregon were forced to watch a re-broadcast of their loss to USC.

Political correctness has hit the NHL: post-overtime penalty shots will no longer be referred to as "shootouts".
Instead, they will be called "taking turns".

The Houston Astros want to switch from being Nationals to American.
Just like half the people in Texas.

The Houston Astros will switch to the American League, starting with the 2013 season.
The move was applauded by Houston-area designated hitters, whose current unemployment rate sits at 100%.

The NBA situation is so desperate they've asked for help from the people putting together the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight.

Tuesday night the Phoenix Suns sent out an e-mail offering 30% off select season tickets.
Who's their marketing manager - a prince in Nigeria?

The NBPA rejected the owners "final" CBA offer.
You know a business model is messed up when people are going to Greece and Turkey for a more stable work environment.

The Dodgers signed OF Matt Kemp to the richest deal in NL history, $160 million over 8 years.
They would have given him more, but they're bankrupt.

Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was found alive by security forces in Venezuelan mountains.
Ramos sent signals to the police, who waved him off repeatedly before rescuing him.

Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was kidnapped in Venezuela.
The gang is demanding free Tommy John surgery for the pitcher on their drug league team.

Oklahoma unveiled a statue of former coach Barry Switzer.
It's a large, animatronic piggy bank.
If you drop money into it, the head looks the other way.

Auburn released documents relating to the NCAA's investigation into recruiting allegations surrounding Cam Newton.
The documents were released in an unmarked manila envelope left inside a trash can outside Jordan-Hare Stadium.

The Big East and West Virginia are suing each other.
The case will be decided on Family Feud.

There's been a backlash against the band Nickelback playing the halftime show of the Detroit Lions Thanksgiving game versus the Packers.
As an alternative, Canada has offered Justin Bieber or Celine Dion.
Clay Matthews would be the first Trojan Bieber's been in the same room with.

The Big East might add Boise State?
Wow - the sun never sets on the Big East empire.

Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from the New York Nets Kris Humphries.
Just goes to show when couples are home together and not working they drive each other crazy.

Tim Horton's is the title sponsor for the 2012 NHL All-Star Game.
Will Don Koharski be the honorary referee?

Illinois-Penn State = postal chess on grass.

Recruits often text friends from the sidelines at big games.
At Illinois-Penn State they are calling their parents to come and get them.

Joe Paterno is watching from up in a box, calling down plays on Tony La Russa's bullpen phone.

I'm not sure who has worse aim: the Penn State QBs or the snowballs from the student section.

Generators and fuel were confiscated from the Occupy Wall Street protesters.
Of course they were: the Knicks management needs to get through the next few months.

The NFL plans to start using metal detectors at games.
Mostly for security purposes; but the Cardinals Bill Bidwell is looking for coins fallen out of fans pockets.

An 8-foot-tall Lego man washed up on a Florida beach.
The Miami Heat want to talk to him, and why not?
He probably has more mobility than Erick Dampier.

After zero NFL teams showed up to watch Terrell Owens workout, his agent Drew Rosenhaus said he'd get a video of the event to teams.
It will be available through Netflix.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig says the Red Sox and Cubs have until November 1 to decide on compensation for Theo Epstein.
The major hangup in negotiations for Epstein's move from Boston to Chicago is how much polar expedition clothing he needs to survive the winter.

The NBPA is convinced the league has an 82-game contingency schedule ready to go.
4-5 games for each team, then the playoffs? That sounds doable.

Rugby World Cup Final: All-Blacks versus All-Whites. Is France trying to sell us Glad trash bags?

The University of Texas Longhorns finally have a serious recruiting rival for the state's teens: Mexican drug cartels.

Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz with the worst handshake since the Potsdam Conference.

A couple has been charged with child endangering after leaving their 9-year-old foster son at a Cleveland Browns game.
Could have been worse: at least they didn't leave him at a St. Louis Rams game.

The National Basketball Players Association is apparently having trouble getting enough people coming out to their meetings.
Well, stop scheduling them for around 4:20pm.

The St. Louis Cardinals store at Busch Stadium is selling stuffed toy rally squirrels.
Richard Gere action figure sold separately.

At a press conference, NBA commissioner David Stern announced that the first two weeks of the season have been cancelled, and Greg Oden has suffered an undisclosed leg injury.

Does Penn State travel to games in a team DeLorean?

Boomtown Rats eliminated from Monday Night Football theme song consideration.

Ryan Kesler is out of the Vancouver Canucks opener.
His injury's healed, but he's been kidnapped by Sean Avery.

The NBA owners and players meet again Tuesday on what they agree is a very important day.
Fast Five is released on DVD.

Because of weather problems, it took the Yankees and Tigers two days to complete Game 1 of their ALDS.
This phenomenon used to be known as a Mike Hargrove at bat.

Kobe Bryant has a verbal agreement to play basketball in Italy during the NBA lockout.
Unfortunately, Silvio Berlusconi won't issue him a work visa unless he brings the Laker Girls.

A Montreal man walked around the world in 11 years.
He would have made it in 10, but Zdeno Chara smashed his head into a lamppost.

Seattle Sounders supporters showed up en masse for the closing match at the Vancouver Whitecaps' Empire Field, chanting and singing in the stands for two hours.
I don't think they knew it was BC Hydro Family Night.

Florida Marlins closer Leo Nunez has allegedly been playing under an assumed name.
Adam Dunn is considering doing the same next season.

NASA said the satellite debris is down; no one was hit except one little chunk that bounced off Jose Canseco's head.

The NBA players union is showing strong solidarity.
Stars have pledged to pool their marijuana supplies to help lesser players get through the lockout.

Four people were arrested in the burglary of Manny Pacquiao's L.A. home.
If they stole his karaoke machine they should be given full pardons.

Miami hopes to avoid the NCAA's death penalty, and Maryland was hit with Mr. Blackwell's from-beyond-the-grave penalty.

Indianapolis hired Jim Tressel as a game day assistant.
Upcoming Colts promotion: first 5000 kids through the gate get a free tattoo.

ESPN is working on a 30 for 30 doc on Buccaneers CB Aqib Talib titled "Stop, Or My Mom And I Will Shoot".

50 NBA players are set to participate in a September Vegas league.
Which is a third of the numbers of NBA players that will be in Vegas clubs and casinos.

President Obama is withdrawing 10,000 troops from Afghanistan and redeploying them to California stadium parking lots.

All buildings were evacuated on the Georgetown University campus Tuesday afternoon.
People can return after authorities conduct a search for earthquake damage and Chinese basketball players.

Terrelle Pryor says he won't appeal his 5-game suspension at the start of the NFL season.
Coincidentally, Week 4 also has Vegas hosting The Biggest Tattoo Show On Earth.

The Ohio State at Miami game September 17th has landed a title sponsor: Aladdin Bail Bonds.

The NFL is considering a series of rule changes that enact fines and suspensions for violating NCAA rules while in college.
I wonder if Pete Carroll gets a vote on this?

Kobe Bryant reportedly has offers of $1.5 million a month to play basketball in China.
Of course, no one's told him 45% of that will go to income tax.

Texas A&M can't get an invite to Google+.

Job that got a lot more complicated this week: background screener for Torchbearer applicants for the 2012 London Olympics.

Diana Nyad had to stop her marathon swim from Havana to Florida due to large swells and ocean currents.
There was no storm; the waves were caused by the wake from speedboats full of Cuban baseball players speeding towards the U.S.

Real Madrid signed Leo, a 7-year-old soccer prospect from Argentina.
He lists his biggest influences as Lionel Messi and The Smurfs.

I'm not saying Steve Williams has lost perspective, but he now says he's going to catch Nicklaus.

Major League Baseball issued a warning to players to stop using deer antler spray as PEDs.
Finally, an explanation as to why cougars are attracted to baseball players.

Tiger Woods former caddie Steve Williams is now going to write a tell-all book.
Woods hopes the book will be distributed exclusively through the Borders chain.

Sean Avery spent 7 hours in the slammer after allegedly shoving a police officer.
He was released after posting bail and producing a jailhouse fashion show.

The Patriots acquired Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco.
Are they trying to return to the Super Bowl, or land a reality series?

Manchester United won the MLS All-Star Match, thus securing home-field for England in next year's Olympic soccer tourney.

They had the lottery for the New York same-sex marriages.
The Knicks won it with a frozen envelope.

Bad timing award for the Toronto Raptors: one NBA player was quoted as saying he'd consider playing "in Europe or Canada" if the strike was prolonged.

There was a hangup Thursday night in the ratification of the owners' proposal.
It appears the Florida teams may have voted more than once.

The Orioles are so desperate for pitching, they just went out and signed Jonnie Marbles.

Japan won the Women's World Cup, despite at times looking like they had less game than a Tamagotchi.

One bad aspect of South Sudan achieving independence: Canada's world soccer ranking dropped another notch.

Chad Ochocinco said if the NFL lockout goes any longer, he hopes to play in the NBA this fall instead.

Charlie Sheen says he took drugs to improve his pitching for the filming of Major League.
We're expecting a similar revelation from Bill Lee regarding his Spaceman documentary.

The NBA lockout could potentially result in a 50-game season starting in January, where every game means something and all the teams are competing in a sprint for the playoffs.
There's a downside, too.

The Pittsburgh Penguins have reportedly reached an agreement with Jaromir Jagr: he will receive $2 million over 1 year to never grow that mullet again.

The hacker group LulzSec says it is disbanding and they will retire the number 01.

It was Mexican Police Bobblehead Night for the first 10,000 fans through the gate at the Rose Bowl Saturday night for the Gold Cup final.
The head is detachable.

After the NHL Awards show, the players whooped it up in Vegas.
Jeff Skinner was spotted at Chuck E. Cheese.

Are they overdoing it at the NHL Awards?
Gary Bettman won the Gary Bettman Trophy as top commissioner.

The Jazz can't decide what to do with their first-round pick Thursday.
They draft 3rd overall, after the Cavaliers and the Kardashians.

Rutgers University is taking the naming rights to its football stadium very literally.
The Scarlet Knights - who finished dead last in the Big East last year, scoring a mere 20 points per game - will now be playing in HighPoints Solution Stadium.

The Yankees Eduardo Nunez hit a double into a flock of seagulls at Wrigley Field.
It was the first time a hit had been anywhere near the '80s hair band in decades.

Let's hope Bethesda, Maryland gets through the weekend without any U.S. Open riots.

I hope Dallas does a better job of putting on a motorcade this time.

LeBron James has been outscored by Dirk Nowitzki 52-11 down the stretch during the finals.
This is the worst 4th-quarter performance since Enron.

Terrelle Pryor reportedly spent his Ohio State income on shoes, hats and belts. After he flunks out of the NFL, expect to see him in Sex and the City 3.

The SEC voted to limit football signings at 25 per year.
To $0 lease cars at local dealerships.

Derek Jeter is now just 16 hits shy of #3000.
It should be an exciting couple of months ahead.

U2 singer Bono was picked up hitchhiking in West Vancouver by Edmonton Oiler Gilbert Brule.
Bono almost got picked up a few minutes earlier by Gary Bettman, but he wouldn't get in the car after Bettman insisted on charging him a relocation fee.