Penn State apologized for firing Joe Paterno by phone.
Carrier pigeon would have been more appropriate.

Tim Tebow is the favorite to appear on the cover of Madden 13.
Oh no, does that mean passing is going to be even more difficult?

Randy Moss is heading to the Bay Area.
That's San Francisco, not Montego Bay, unfortunately for Jamaican marijuana farmers.

The large signs Telus was making for the outside of BC Place may have been the deal breaker in the naming rights agreement.
Apparently, the signs said "Make Some Noise".

Headline: Charlotte Bobcats denied NCAA tournament bid.

Overseeded: Georgetown, Wisconsin, Octomom.

Barry Switzer's life story is being adapted into a Hollywood feature film.
Theaters will only accept ticket payments in the form of cash in envelopes.

Loneliest people in the sports world this weekend: the incumbent QB on whatever team Peyton Manning signs with, and scalpers outside the Staples Center at the Pac-12 tourney.

The Knicks got smoked on the road by the Spurs.
New York hasn't won in San Antonio since 2003.
The only ones with a longer drought winning there is the Mexican Army.

A former Toronto Argonauts defensive lineman said bounties are alive and well in the CFL.
The players pay each other out in Canadian Tire money.

The Royal Canadian Mint has issued a $10 commemorative coin depicting the Titanic heading ominously toward an iceberg.
I trust the Canadian ice making team won't bury it at the next international hockey tournament for good luck.

St. Mary's beat Gonzaga in OT to win the West Coast Conference basketball tournament.
Shouldn't that have been the play-in for the Pac-12 championship game?

I'm not saying the Saints were taking out contracts on opposing players, but they just placed their franchise tag on Vincent Vega.

More New Orleans bounty revelations: Drew Brees was giving teammates beads if he could see them topless.

Dwyane Wade has patched things up after his hard foul in the NBA All-Star Game.
He bought Kobe some jewellery.

What is this about Tiger Woods wanting to be a Navy SEAL?
Was the government planning a hit on Hugh Hefner?

The NFL is moving its opening game to Wednesday night to avoid a conflict with Barack Obama's scheduled speech at the Democratic National Convention.
The President really appreciates it, as he was worried he was going to have to skip the convention to watch the game.

Headline: "Mormons posthumously baptize Charlotte Bobcats".

Columbus offered Rick Nash to Vancouver at the trading deadline, but the Canucks rejected the Blue Jackets request of Cody Hodgson, Cory Schneider, three #1 draft picks, and this week's box office receipts of The Artist.

Georgetown beat Notre Dame 59-41.
Looks like the Fighting Irish are auditioning for the Big Ten.

For the first time, the Daytona 500 was postponed until Monday.
On lap 1 the drivers had to drop their kids off at school.

Moneyball may have gone 0-for-6 at the Oscars, but it wasn't baseball's biggest loser on Sunday.
After signing third baseman Ryan Zimmerman to a six-year, $100 million contract extension, that title went to the Washington Nationals.

No wonder Ryan Braun's samples didn't make it to Montreal on time: no one in MLB knows where that is anymore.

NL MVP Ryan Braun got out of his drug suspension because FedEx couldn't get his sample delivered to the lab for nearly 48 hours.
I see a bright future for FedEx as a Tour de France team sponsor.

Albert Pujols is unhappy with the Angels "El Hombre" billboard campaign around southern California, preferring that all forms of that nickname be reserved for Stan Musial.
Similar deal in Detroit, where Prince Fielder is concerned the Tigers "El Gordo" campaign snubs Dmitri Young.

The Elias Sports Bureau said Jeremy Lin is the first person since the merger to average at least 20 points and 8 assists in his first 10 career starts.
I've been hearing that a lot lately with basketball stats: "since the merger".
Are they talking NBA-ABA or Kardashians-Jenners?

The NFL is selecting 250 lucky fans to workout at the scouting combine this weekend.
To qualify, interested people had to write a short essay.
You know it's a fantasy camp since half the draft-eligible players couldn't do that.

Boston Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo threw a ball at a ref and hit him directly in the chest.
First call he got was from the league suspending him for two games.
Second call was from the Red Sox pitching coach.

The Boston Red Sox new JetBlue Park spring training facility in Fort Meyers, FL is called Fenway South.
Its got the exact same field dimensions, a 37-foot Green Monster in left, and a pub in the clubhouse.

What's going on in that Adidas commercial where the marching band is running down the street?
Are they escaping a hazing?

Little known fact: Pekingese Malachy, the Asian sensation who lit up Madison Square Garden, still sleeps in his brother's dog house.

Due to popular demand, Vince Carter's been added to the rosters for the NBA's Fading Stars Challenge.

The Glasgow Rangers filed for bankruptcy protection.
They're so desperate for money they've started selling William Wallace bobbleheads.

Chase Budinger, Paul George, Iman Shumpert and Derrick Williams...
Is this the NBA dunk contest or a witness protection program?

A Provincial Court judge has ruled there will be no video coverage of the Vancouver riot trials.
Which means it's getting slightly less air time than the Canucks on CBC.

Maryland quarterback Danny O'Brien is transferring, and doesn't have to sit out a year if he graduates this spring and enrolls in a master's program not offered at Maryland.
Like Fashion Design?

Hines Ward responded to reports that the Steelers were going to cut him by saying that their stadium was named after him and that it would be like the Packers cutting Curly Lambeau.

A young Asian Knicks star: Woody Allen must be in heaven.

The Big Ten is reportedly exploring a four-team playoff.
Is that to determine the Legends or Leaders division champion?

'80s Red Sox pitcher Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd admitted he pitched two-thirds of his starts high on cocaine.
Hey, look at the bright side: he was listed at 160 pounds and his average game lasted two hours.
Yes, I'm looking at you, Yankees starting staff.

Bruins goalie Tim Thomas blasted President Obama on birth control distribution.
Too bad there wasn't better access in Michigan in 1973.

Reports on Giants Day said there were a million people on the streets of Manhattan.
Isn't that a regular weekday?

Madonna is heading out on a lip-synching world tour.
During costume changes, the screens will show clips from the Pro Bowl.

The Knicks Jeremy Lin suddenly has the most fairweather friends of any Harvard man since Mark Zuckerberg.

It's a good bet M.I.A. will live up to her name at future Super Bowls.

Tom Brady set a new Super Bowl record, completing more passes in a row than Madonna in her prime.

The International Space Station crew got a live feed of the Super Bowl.
They watched the game with freeze-dried nachos and powdered beer.

Anti-bullying messages will be displayed on the jumbotrons during the Super Bowl.
Eli Manning wants to know where these were when the 49ers were sacking him 6 times.

Dolphins WR Brandon Marshall was the Pro Bowl MVP.
Winning the Pro Bowl MVP is like being named the best funk band in North Korea.

The Eagles LeSean McCoy admitted he didn't try at the Pro Bowl.
The players were confused: they thought whoever lost the game would get Andrew Luck.

Word is Jim Tressel is in talks with Akron.
Tattoo franchise opportunities?

I don't want to read too much into it, but the list of items banned from Lucas Oil Stadium Sunday includes beach balls, laser pointers, and Peyton Manning.

The Carolina Panthers released a new logo, giving their cougar a "more aggressive look" around the eyes and mouth.
I guess they want it to look like it has had a couple of cosmos.
It should fit the overall vibe of the team's graphics: the font in the end zones look like they're taken from an '80s hair-metal band.

Columbus was selected as the host of next year's NHL All-Star Weekend.
I'm not sure this is the best way to lure Alex Ovechkin back to the game.

Time Warner wants Dodgers: the scariest 4 words in L.A. outside of "untitled Bruce Vilanch project".

Is there drug testing at the Winter X Games?
The THC levels on the mountain must be like a reggae tour bus.

Tommy Lasorda says Dodgers fans are the greatest in baseball.
Maybe from the 3rd through 7th innings.

First there was Moneyball, now Tom Hanks is set to star as a Detroit Tigers executive in a movie about baseball contracts called Extremely Long & Incredibly Expensive.

Newt Gingrich says if he is elected President he will build a permanent colony on the Moon.
Gary Bettman is excited by the prospect of a new home for the Coyotes and is studying where it would fit in geographical realignment.

The tennis announcers mentioned Geoffrey Rush was named 2012 Australian of the Year.
Who did he beat out - Elle Macpherson and Crocodile Dundee?

The Tigers plan to play Cabrera at third and Fielder at first.
Oh, to be a helmet and glove vendor in the first base stands.

Recommended audiobook: Ed Hochuli reads Kindle Fire For Dummies

President Obama hosted the Boston Bruins at The White House Monday.
Video of the event was immediately sent to the FBI and Brendan Shanahan.

The Giants line gave up six sacks to the 49ers.
Iran did a better job of blocking the Strait of Hormuz.

The Bengals announced they are moving their training camp from Kentucky to Cincinnati.
Now their fans can watch an extra month of meaningless football each year.

Accused Auburn tree-poisoner Harvey Updyke rejected a plea deal that would have sent him to prison for 13 years, barred him from ever attending Alabama sports events, and forced him to stay away from former NBA centre Wayne Rollins.

Sources say Jim Tressel will interview for the Indianapolis Colts head coaching job.
Followed by his interview for Italian cruise ship captain.

Terrell Owens has signed with the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League.
"Allen"?
You know you're just one step above fantasy when the owners are naming teams after themselves.

Cleveland Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona was arrested in the Dominican Republic on fake identity charges.
He told them he was Danny Almonte.

Fausto Carmona's real name is Roberto Hernandez. He's 31, not 28 like the Indians thought.
Unfortunately, he really did have a 5.25 ERA last season.

When Miss Wisconsin was crowned Miss America she asked Aaron Rodgers to call her.
Just make sure he doesn't use his wide receivers as wingmen; the call might get dropped.

Hundreds of Green Bay Packers fans spent hours shovelling snow at Lambeau Field after a rumour circulated there was cheese and beer buried underneath.

President Obama welcomed the 2010-11 NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks to the White House Monday.
It was an awkward couple of hours for Lamar Odom, who was left on the team bus with a Nintendo handheld and some comic books.

The Bruins Brad Marchand now says he was just practicing Tai Chi when he hit the Canucks Sami Salo.

Huge stakes in the BCS Championship Game Monday night: winner receives a "Get Off Of Probation FREE" card.

The Dallas Cowboys are accused of using factories for their products that employ child labor.
Don't all NFL teams do that? It's called the NCAA.

Demonstrators outside the Montreal Canadiens arena protesting coach Randy Cunneyworth's unilingualism also complained the Bell Centre only plays English music.
C'mon, that's not fair: AC/DC is Australian and U2 is Irish.

The Black Keys and Nickelback are feuding...
The Keys' Patrick Carney said in Rolling Stone that Nickelback helped kill rock 'n' roll.
This is the most one-sided fight since Evander Kane vs Matt Cooke.

Alcatraz is a new Fox series debuting January 16th about men imprisoned in the San Francisco Bay area.
You may remember it by an earlier title: Oakland Raiders.

None of the NHL's top 10 leading scorers were voted into the All-Star Game in Ottawa.
What did you expect, given that city's voting track record?

It used to be the FedEx Orange Bowl but their sponsorship wasn't renewed after they just tossed a check over the bowl committee's fence.

Nice Fiesta Bowl win for Oklahoma State and their 28-year-old QB Brandon Weeden.
After the game, the student section chanted "One more decade!".

Because there is no Heritage Classic in Canada this year, the Flyers-Rangers Winter Classic was the last outdoor game of the NHL season, unless Dallas doesn't make rent.

A unique Rose Bowl halftime show consisted of the Oregon and Wisconsin defensive coaching staffs polishing their resumes to music.

Someday, Shawn Kemp may replace The Rose Bowl as "The Grandaddy of Them All".

A camera fell from the sky and landed on the field in Tempe, AZ late in the game Friday night.
Oklahoma ended up beating Iowa 31-14 in the Truman Bowl.

Reports say Terrell Owens is close to signing a contract with the Allen Wranglers of the Indoor Football League.
The only thing standing in the way is a competing offer from the Nerf Football League.

"Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows"?
Do they investigate BALCO?

Prolific ball-dropper Braylon Edwards has been cut by the San Francisco 49ers but is hoping to find work in Times Square on New Year's Eve.

The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl continued Sheraton's tradition of having a great staff-to-guest ratio.

The NCAA ruled that Ohio State has to spend next year's bowl season at Barry Bonds' house.

No jail time for Barry Bonds.
Instead, he was sentenced to 30 days in his black leather recliner.

Major League Baseball passed a new rule banning players from having corporate logo tattoos.
There goes Derek Jeter's new FTD Flowers gift baskets endorsement.

Peyton Manning's comeback training is going well.
He hopes to return to the field in time for the Pro Bowl.

The Seahawks and Marshawn Lynch with a strong showing on Monday Night Football.
The post-game injury report mostly consisted of shoulder problems for Skittles marketing execs who high-fived themselves non-stop.

Lamar Odom was the NBA's 6th Man of the Year last season.
Ironically, Kim Kardashian hands out an identically-named award.

The Lakers traded Lamar Odom to the Mavericks for draft picks.
E! instantly dropped the reality series Khloe & Lamar, which will now be broadcast on the Cowboys Stadium JumboTron.

Reports say NL MVP Ryan Braun has tested positive for PEDs.
Also, Prince Fielder has tested positive for nachos.

Usually when a deal falls apart in L.A. it involves a faulty scale.

Good news for Tiger Woods: he finally won a golf tournament.
The bad news is the course included a miniature windmill as a hazard.