Tony Bosch of Biogenesis reminds me of Mike Damone in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.

Wisconsin basketball announced an August 24 game in Toronto versus the Canadian national junior team.
Great: Canada finally gets together an elite collection of players and now they're all going to get banged up.

The Toronto Raptors are thinking of changing their team name.
OSEG (Ottawa Sports and Entertainment Group) has suggested RedBlackSilvers.
No one except the NBA's next commissioner likes that idea.

The big question on A-Rod's alleged use of PEDs is: why did his supply run out at the end of every September?

I don't think even the fish could save Pittsburgh at this point.

Maria Sharapova and Victoria Azarenka made the French Open quarterfinals.
Production Sound Mixers from the adult film industry are racing to Paris with their recording equipment.

The city of Miami is so nervous about Game 7, no one can sleep today.

Keith Richards hasn't had that much influence over a sporting event since he celebrity refereed a Quidditch match.

The Blackhawks and Kings had to play back-to-back days over the weekend because of a Rolling Stones concert at the United Center tonight.
The Stones are trying to appeal to a younger demographic by booking Jim Cornelison as their opening act.

Jose Valverde is like the bullpen version of a piñata.
Only the people swinging the sticks aren't blindfolded, and when he's hit candy doesn't fly everywhere but home runs.

Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander, who is 0-for-24 lifetime in major league at-bats, is campaigning to get into the Home Run Derby.
That could work, if Tigers closer Jose Valverde is pitching to him.

Who thought Miami's "Big Three" would turn out to be LeBron James, Chris "Birdman" Andersen and a Burmese python?

Ohio State president Orville Redenbacher has been expressly warned after getting into hot water once again over remarks he made, this time offending Catholics and the SEC.
One more slip-up and Urban Meyer might fire him.

Ottawa's new CFL team will likely be called the RedBlacks.
That's gotta be confusing for the Washington Redskins.
They're all like: "Why is everyone upset with our nickname? They say reds *and* blacks."

Ottawa's CFL team will be named the RedBlacks.
RedBlacks and Gee-Gees...why did Ottawa hire Sesame Street as their football branding consultants?

For this next round of the NHL playoffs, Ohio State president Gordon Gee slips into the guest chair operating the LA Kings Twitter account, replacing Sergio Garcia.

Soccer is like 6th-grade dating; it's not all about scoring.

The Rangers fired head coach John Tortorella.
The New York Post's Larry Brooks gave him a lift to the airport.

Dwyane Wade took out the Pacers Lance Stephenson in Game 2 with a flying elbow to the temple.
Later, Wade announced he's changing his name to World B. Floored.

Driver Marcos Ambrose said running over that loose camera cable during the Coca-Cola 600 at Charlotte Motor Speedway "was like getting attacked by a giant squid".
It's great when people make analogies to experiences they couldn't possibly know anything about.
Like a NASCAR fan claiming their sport is as addictive as meth.
Oh, wait a minute...

Suddenly, Rob Ford's drop-back fall at that Grey Cup press event makes more sense.

Hockey Canada bans bodychecking at the peewee level.
Hopefully this extends to parents in the stands.

Indiana Pacers broadcaster Mark Boyle blasted Miami fans for leaving AmericanAirlines Arena down 3 near the end of the game Friday night, saying "they don't deserve any team".
I don't know; if you go by that reasoning, you could make a case they deserve the Panthers, Marlins, Dolphins and Hurricanes.

Great Champions League Final.
Next match: Bayern vs New York Red Bulls/FC Dallas winner for the world title.

The Memphis Grizzlies' Tony Allen was fined $5000 for flopping under the NBA's stronger new postseason rule.
But the best part is it happened on an arm-tug foul by Manu Ginobili.
That is like Yoda and Luke master-apprentice level irony there.

Jonathan Toews spent the 2nd period in the penalty box Thursday.
There hasn't been a captain get that long a time-out since Mutiny On The Bounty.

The 49ers Michael Crabtree might be out for the season after getting injured at Tuesday's OTA.
Apparently, OTA stands for "Oh-oh, torn Achilles".

Was Sergio Garcia operating the LA Kings Twitter account Tuesday night?

Nice try: John Calipari tried to get Kentucky into the NBA Draft Lottery.

Rough bit of karaoke in Saskatoon at the Memorial Cup Saturday. Botched Star-Spangled Banner.
The singer has returned to her day job as Rob Ford's PR spokesperson.

Yahoo is buying photo-sharing website Tumblr for $1.1 billion.
That's the same value as the New York Knicks, but they haven't figured out sharing yet.

The Knicks Jason Kidd in the playoffs: I haven't seen that many zeros since Vince Young took the Wonderlic test.

The Charlotte Bobcats are changing their name back to the Hornets.
Marketing move or witness protection program?

Rumors are the Vancouver Canucks will be after Raffi Torres yet again this summer.
So the headhunter becomes the headhunted.

Alex Edler on Eric Staal: the worst hit in Sweden since ABBA's final album.

Some horrific attendance at the World Hockey Championships.
I don't think Tampa and Miami should host again.

Ironic that during the exact hour Chris Hadfield dropped through the atmosphere, it was Leafs fans who couldn't breathe.

Derrick Rose's least favorite band: Rush.

Updated sabermetrics for the Red Sox Clay Buchholz: WAR 2.5, SPF 30.

The Seattle group upped its bid for the Sacramento Kings to $625 million.
That's the biggest-dollar Washington attempt at a California acquisition since Microsoft bought Yammer.
I wonder if this latest offer will reboot the deal or crash.

Vinny Testaverde and Chris Weinke claim to have fixed Tim Tebow's throwing motion by correcting his footwork.
This is on your resume while you're looking for a job?
Right above listing Joey Harrington as PR coach and JaMarcus Russell as nutritionist.

Should be a nice Mother's Day in the Bryant household.
Kobe taking legal action to get his mom to stop selling his sports memorabilia.
Isn't that the oldest story in the book? My mother threw out my sports cards.
Sports memorabilia...Kobe's mom should give thanks O.J.'s not her son.

At the World Hockey Championships in Helsinki Thursday, France defeated Russia.
Well, that only took 200 years.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder said the team will never, ever change their name.
That's too bad - I think Maryland Redskins sounds way better.

J.A. Happ receiving get well wishes from all over.
Angel Hernandez sent him a note saying he hopes his foot is better soon.

Bobrovsky, Lundqvist, Niemi: Vezina Trophy finalists or biathlon medallists?

R.A. Dickey is 2-5 and the Toronto Blue Jays are 11-21.
Worst start since Donnie Wahlberg in The Sixth Sense.

There's been a lot of talk about a proposed second MLS franchise in New York City.
For demographic marketing purposes, I hope the team name is the Cosmos.
It would be great to see people thinking they were named after a cocktail on Sex And The City.

Orb was just awarded the cover of EA Sports Horse Race 14.

Is there a hip-hop version of "My Old Kentucky Home"?

The Chicago Cubs owner threatened to leave Wrigley Field if their stadium renovation plan is denied.
They do realize that's the only reason anyone goes to Cubs games, don't they? To hang out at Wrigley.
The Cubs without Wrigley would be like the SI swimsuit issue without photos.

The SEC unveiled its own network which will begin broadcasting in August 2014.
They plan to air football, basketball, and endless reruns of Dukes of Hazzard.

Reports say Geno Smith was texting and tweeting during pre-draft meetings with NFL teams.
One of them was probably to his agent, saying "I better go #1 overall - or else".

The New York Knicks have achieved the impossible: they're even less likeable than the Miami Heat.

What will end up being more lifeless in the 3rd: the Vancouver Canucks Wednesday night or the upcoming Hangover movie?

The Omaha Beef of the Champions Professional Indoor Football League have offered Tim Tebow a contract for $75 per game.
They sent his agent a contract in a vacuum-packed, polystyrene box.

Jason Collins joins Matt Barkley as the second athlete this week who should have come out earlier.

Iraq has suspended the licences of Al Jazeera and 9 other channels, accusing them of inciting violence through their news coverage.
Instead of promoting violence, they plan to air the Leafs-Bruins and Sens-Habs series.

A pair of runners were handed lifetime bans from the Vancouver Sun Run for cheating.
They allegedly took a city bus to gain an unfair advantage, but ended up falling even further off the pace.
Also received a fine from transit police cause their transfers had expired.

Tulsa, OK is bidding to host the 2024 Summer Olympics.
Early favorites for gold: the US, Canada and Argentina in calf-roping.

Don Cherry says female reporters shouldn't be allowed in male dressing rooms.
He also doesn't believe fashion consultants should be allowed in clothing store change rooms.

The Tigers Don Kelly is batting .095.
That's the same swing-to-contact ratio as Shelley Duvall on the staircase in The Shining.

4 out of 7 Canadian teams have qualified for the NHL playoffs.
That's the highest percentage since last year's CFL season.

Had to be tough being Geno Smith Thursday night.
It's ironic they call it the Green Room when the Benjamins are disappearing by the minute.

Ottawa, which is slated to begin play in 2014, will have four picks in the 2013 CFL Draft May 6.
What's worse: being traded for a player to be named later, or drafted by a team to be named later?

Manti Te'o not selected in the first round.
Had to kill him to have to leave that phone line open for 24 hours.

"With the 5th pick of the 2013 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Steve Urkel."

The Vancouver Whitecaps got a leg up in their Canadian Championship semi-final with Edmonton.
And Camilo established himself as a contender for next year's Oscars.

Liverpool's Luis Suarez bit someone again; this time Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic on the arm Sunday.
Would somebody feed this guy?
You're supposed to have sliced oranges at halftime in soccer; not fava beans and a nice Chianti.

The NBA playoffs started on 4/20.
It's like we're living in some fantasy world dreamt up by pizzeria owners.

The Maple Leafs are back in the hunt for Lord Stanley's mug!
I remember all the fun we had online the last time they were in the playoffs...the banter on Friendster, Prodigy and CompuServe.

The NHL will stage a 6-game "Stadium Series" next season, including the Kings and Ducks at Dodger Stadium on January 25th.
Los Angeles County lifeguards will be on hand to make sure no players drown.

Terrific Masters finish.
Was Adam Scott putting with a bunker rake?
Kobe Bryant wants to borrow that thing for a cane.

It was like a giant movie promotion Monday as baseball had all players wear "42" on the back of their jerseys.
Except the Miami Marlins, whose jersey backs read "Scary Movie 5".

In video news, Tiger Woods will replace Carmelo Anthony as the star in Stop Snitching 2: Scorecard Bugaloo.

Tiger Woods was penalized two strokes at The Masters after a viewer called Augusta National to report a rules violation.
The NHL is thinking of establishing a similar hotline for officiating mistakes, but it will be a 1-900 number.

Why are American officials being tougher on the 14-year-old Chinese golfer than the leader of North Korea?
I guess you've gotta choose your battles.

Detroit Tigers send bullpen to hospital for suspected Achilles Heel.

14-year-old phenom Tianlang Guan was given a 1-stroke penalty for slow play at The Masters Friday after his parents insisted he take a quick break for his violin lesson.

Wednesday's White Sox at Nationals game was delayed 15 minutes due to umps stuck in D.C. traffic.
Probably caught up in Barack Obama's security detail driving from the golf course back home for his Master's fantasy draft.

The tinkling of pianos, smell of fresh flowers and people yelling "Get in the hole!". The Masters, or dinner date?

Quick quiz: in college basketball, "40 Minutes Of Hell" refers to A) Nolan Richardson's Arkansas teams, or B) Dick Vitale calling a Duke game.

Floyd Mayweather has $16.7 million on Michigan +4.
About equal to Manny Pacquiao's old annual cockfighting budget.

The Clippers swept their season series with the Lakers 4-zip and clinched the Pacific Division title.
It was the first time a Clipper had won anything since Michael Olowakandi pumped $400 into one of those stuffed animal claw crane games.

The deal for an outdoor NHL game in Dodger Stadium is nearly done.
Apparently, they will play at night and the refrigeration system will keep the ice cool enough if there's no direct sunlight.
No direct sunlight?
I guess the untapped L.A. demo the Kings are targeting is goths and vampire cults.
The Lost Boys of Summer.

Hot rumour: 4 Charlotte Bobcats are going to hold a joint press conference and announce they are really skilled basketball players.

I hope Rodman tells Oddjob to wait until after the Final Four before he tries to wreck the world.

The Miami Heat's Chris Bosh had live camels at his birthday.
Apparently, those Ishtar-theme parties have really caught on.
The celebration cost a ton of money and got mixed reviews.

Reports say North Korea has 2 missiles loaded.
Sales of Dodgers and Angels batting helmets are spiking.

The Vancouver Canucks may be the only company whose solution to an employee partying too much is to send him to Chicago for a week.

Would anyone like Roberto Luongo?
The Vancouver Canucks will trade him for a bag of hockey pucks, a parking pass, or some poutine.

The Astros joined the A.L. and beat the Rangers in baseball's opener Sunday to win the in-state trophy.
It's a canteen containing the last litre of water left in Texas.

Fun fact: Michigan has more living alumni than anyone except Shawn Kemp.

Part of Detroit Metro airport was shut down after a bomb scare.
It was just Nik Stauskas' shot returning to Michigan.

Opening Day in the Mexican League last week.
It was Decapitated Bobblehead Night.

The NCAA has decided to eliminate both Syracuse and Marquette on the Road to the Final Three.

I'm not too worried about North Korea dictator Kim Jong-un's threats.
He's still busy celebrating their World Baseball Classic championship.

Sidney Crosby got Douglas C. Niedermeyer'd by Pens d-man Brooks Orpik.

I have now watched Trey Burke's 3-pointer more times than Oliver Stone has viewed the Zapruder film.

The Jayhawks in the Sweet Sixteen: goofiest looking bunch from Kansas since the cast of Wizard Of Oz.