Multiple teen websites are reporting Lindsay Lohan hooked up with three different guys in a 24 hour period. Reached for comment, Yogi Berra said: "I hope she wore a condom."

UCLA hired Rick Neuheisel Saturday as its head coach.
The first thing he is going to install is Michigan as a 3-1 favorite to win the Frozen Four.

Illinois set a new "Beef Bowl" record during pre-Rose festivities in Los Angeles Friday night, when their 215 member dining party consumed 870 pounds of prime rib, breaking the record of 799 set by USC the night before with their party of 176. Of course, an asterisk should note that the midwest girlfriends ate quadruple what the LA girlfriends did.
Meanwhile, up in San Francisco at the Emerald Bowl, Oregon State set a new "Tofu Bowl" mark by consuming 540 pounds of tofu prepared by Bay Area chef Alice Waters. The Beavers washed it all down with some pomegranate mineral water.

The NFL fined field official Jim Quirk for "inappropriate physical contact with players" two weeks in a row, the most recent when he grabbed Green Bay LB Nick Barnett by the neck and threw him to the ground while breaking up a scuffle.
Is this guy auditioning to referee WrestleMania XXIV?

Aussie tennis great Evonne Goolagong recently received a trophy from the WTA after an investigation revealed that she had actually been denied the #1 world ranking briefly in the mid-70s due to a computer mixup. Microsoft immediately apologized for glitches in Windows 76.

Bryan Adams and Mick Jagger invited troubled singer Amy Winehouse to join them on the resort island of Mustique for a "rockers family Christmas". Adams said a beach holiday would provide Winehouse a break from drugs and alcohol.
Solid plan. Next she can be paired up in a celebrity golf pro-am with John Daly.

The gun that killed Sean Taylor was tossed into the Everglades, the lawyer for the alleged shooter said. Perhaps unsurprisingly given the season in south Florida, the swamp picked off the throw and returned it for six points.

Word is Bobby Knight will back Cam Cameron from getting fired in Miami.
What's he going to do - throw a chair at Wayne Huizenga?

Some are saying QB Tony Romo needs extra sessions with Cowboys Offensive Coordinator Jason Garrett, but based on the performance anxiety he's displayed in front of Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood, maybe a better alternative would be Dr. Ruth.

Up to 25 players at Florida State could be suspended for four games for cheating in a music class. An academic scandal involving Seminole football players just before the Music City Bowl? Probably involves cheat codes for Dance Dance Revolution.

After Michigan hired Mountaineers coach Rich Rodriguez, West Virginia Governor Joe Manchin III blamed the involvement of agents and says there's something wrong in society "when a leader's word is no longer his bond."
Stay tuned for the next amazing proclamation from a politician.

New York Knicks guard Quentin Richardson said his team is "going through a tough stretch". If seven years is a "tough stretch", maybe Q should be speechwriting for the Bush administration.

In an ad for Slingbox, award-winning Vancouver radio host Rick Ball says when he's on vacation in Hawaii, he PVRs Canucks games back home and then watches entire games on his laptop computer in his hotel room.
The award Ball won was "Worst Use Of Time In Hawaii".

The first hint that there were erroneous Mitchell lists making the rounds was the one that included Steve Bartman and Max Patkin.

Jamaal Tinsley sees more buckshot than a Halo character.

Headline: UFC Under Investigation For Allegedly Running Human-Fighting Ring

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank thinks Michael Vick could play in the NFL again, provided he doesn't eat too much fried chicken, join a minstrel show or decide to play Negro League baseball instead.

How big is the Patriots-Jets line this week?
Only The Phillie Phanatic as Tony Montana could handle a line this size.

Rutgers coach Greg Schiano reportedly turned down the Michigan job, possibly after phoning Penn State's Joe Paterno to ask his advice. I can only imagine JoePa's response: "I'd like some butterscotch pudding, and tell those kids to stop roller skating in the halls."

Barry Bonds was released for $500 based on "personal recognizance".
Yeah, he was ID'd in a lineup next to Jack from Jack in the Box, Stewie
Griffin and Mr. Potato Head.

Barry Bonds has never won a World Series but his agent Jeff Borris said "Barry plans to put on a ring one day". More likely an electronic monitoring bracelet.

Florida Gators DE Jermaine Cunningham was charged with misdemeanor battery Wednesday for allegedly hitting a restaurant worker with a sandwich and cups. His lawyer is expected to explain Cunningham's mood-altered behavior by invoking the "Dr. Pepper defense".

The Detroit Tigers on Tuesday may have pulled off the greatest heist in Florida in the last seven years.

Redskins coach Joe Gibbs opened Sunday's loss to the Bills not knowing about the 10 men on defense tribute and closed it by calling two timeouts in a row to move Buffalo's game-winning FG 15 yards closer.
Anyone get the feeling the game interrupted his nap?

Evel Knievel died Friday. Cause of death was a heart attack while playing San Francisco Rush: The Rock. In lieu of a funeral procession, his special rocket-propelled hearse will attempt to jump Snake River Canyon.

The talk down the stretch of the Knicks 104-59 loss to the Celtics Thursday night was whether or not New York would hit 60.
Points or losses?
How does Isiah Thomas survive this? Rasputin thinks this guy has nine lives.

The Arizona Diamondbacks plan to award season tickets to 12 households "experiencing financial hardships". The area of the stands the real estate agents and their families will sit in will be nicknamed Foreclosure Corner.

VANOC UNVEILS OFFICIAL MASCOTS FOR 2010 GAMES

Vancouver's 2010 Winter Olympic Games mascots were revealed to the public Tuesday. I don't know about you but I wouldn't want these things going anywhere near my kids (if I had any).
Sumi is billed as an "animal guardian spirit" (whatever that is) with a passion for the environment, but is wearing a weird hat that makes it look like he has a third ear growing out of the top of his head.
Quatchi is a sasquatch (that's a bigfoot to you, NBC) who is described as "big, gentle and shy". If he is shy then why the hell was he selected to greet strangers arriving from all over the world? He looks like he fell off a float in the West End's Pride Parade.
Miga is a "sea-bear" who is "small, mischievous and outgoing". Yeah, so's my monthly salary. Miga looks like the unholy love child of Ed Grimley and a Tamagotchi.
There's apparently a fourth creature named Mukmuk who is a "mascot sidekick". Fortunately, Mukmuk seems to have the power of invisibility, as I have been unable to locate his/her/its likeness anywhere.
I never thought it would come to this, but suddenly I am nostalgic for a simpler time when the face of the 2010 Games was a pile of rocks that looked like Stonehenge on acid.

THERE WAS NO DO; ONLY TRY

The field conditions in the Steelers-Dolphins 3-0 game Monday night resembled that swamp Yoda lived in.

2 MORE BOWL BIDS GO OUT

South Florida will head to the Sun Bowl in El Paso December 31, and UConn has accepted a bid to the NCAA Basketball East Regionals in March.

Devin Hester had two more return TDs Sunday, further cementing his status as the best NFL kick returner ever.
And it appears the Chicago Bears are trying to give him as many kickoff return touches as possible.

Croatia's national soccer team wants to hire UK opera singer Tony Henry as a mascot after he flubbed a Croatian word in the country's national anthem. Apparently, the sex reference gaffe relaxed the squad and helped lead them to victory over England.
Watch out, Croatia, can hot dog races be far behind?

Kansas-Missouri renew their nasty rivalry today, which dates back to pre-Civil War border skirmishes. Michigan-Ohio State has similar historical origins: in the mid-19th century, groups of men from Ann Arbor met armed resistance when thay repeatedly tried to introduce books into Ohio.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR TEAM'S FAN BASE DOESN'T TRAVEL WELL

10. Only attend bowl games if they are in Alaska.

9. They think the hype and buildup surrounding the PapaJohns.com Bowl has just become too much.

8. Playing in Orange Bowl; checked luggage through to Oxford, Ohio.

7. In tribute to their coach, Charlie Weis, will only travel by hot air balloon.

6. Started tailgating before they hit the road.

5. They wonder why anyone would want to leave the midwest during the holidays.

4. Packed golf clubs for the International Bowl.

3. (Tennessee only) Riverboats have limitations.

2. They check State Department travel advisories when their basketball team is in the Mid-east Regional.

1. Can't read maps.

'Bama coach Nick Saban just spilled his beer and likened it to the Indian Ocean Tsunami.

Michigan head coach Lloyd Carr, who rarely met a rout he couldn't turn into a nailbiter, announces his retirement Monday morning in Ann Arbor.
It's refreshing to know his players are too busy participating in football, school and life to frequent online fan sites; as The Ann Arbor News reported Sunday night:
"His announcement (at a team meeting) caught some players off guard."
This brings to mind Captain Louis Renault's quote in Casablanca when he is alerted to gambling taking place in Rick's Cafe: "I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on here!"
Here's looking at you coach. We'll always have 1997.
Thanks Lloyd.

Barry Bonds' legal team are claiming it wasn't his urine.
If it's not his pee, you must set him free.

Oregon became the fifth #2 to lose since October 6.
This has been the rockiest stretch for Number Two since the Austin Powers movies.

A new postseason tournament, the College Basketball Invitational (CBI) has been announced. Apparently, the ninety-seven teams currently participating in the NCAA and NIT tourneys were not enough to whet the appetite of the hardcore college hoops fans,
who were left wondering the answer to the question "Who's #98?"

Alabama is considering a live elephant mascot.
If it happens, this would be the largest mammal on the sideline of a college football field outside of Kansas.

Stephon Marbury went AWOL from New York.
He's a drama queen and the Knicks are a soap opera - maybe Starbury is just honoring Hollywood's writers strike.

#1 Ohio State got Juiced worse than a memorabilia dealer in a Vegas hotel room.

A study by UCSD and Yale professors found that baseball players whose names began with the initial K struck out more frequently.
I doubt there's much to this but I'd like to see a comment from career walks leader Barry Bonds.

The opening days of the college basketball season have produced Grand Valley State over Michigan State, Findlay defeating Ohio State and Gardner-Webb beating Kentucky.
It sounds like Final Four contenders are losing to insurance companies.

Don Shula, head coach of the 17-0 1972 Miami Dolphins, says if New England goes unbeaten this season there should be an asterisk after their W-L mark in the league record book.
Good luck, Don; the way the Patriots are rolling it would more likely be an exclamation point.

The good news is I nailed my Kansas-Nebraska score prediction.
The bad news is it was for the wrong sport.
It was very confusing playing this football game right around the time college basketball season begins.
The Kansas-Nebraska scores in basketball (2 games) and football this year are like one of those math sequencing problems: what's next in this pattern?
Basketball: Jan.29, Feb.17. Football: Nov.3.
Kansas 76 Nebraska 56, Kansas 92 Nebraska 39, Kansas 76 Nebraska 39.

Martina Hingis announced her retirement from tennis after testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon earlier this year.
I guess she's regretting sharing that cab ride with Lindsey Lohan.

The NFL's oldest living alum, Sam Dana - who caught a TD for the New York Yankees in 1928 - has died at the age of 104.
And so the torch passes to Vinnie Testaverde.

81,000 Londoners booed while Eli Manning of the Giants took three straight knees to end New York's 16-13 win over the Dolphins.
It was the most bewildering performance by an American in England since Kool & The Gang showed up in that Band Aid video.

Rockies owner Charlie Monfort says they would beat the Red Sox six games out of ten.
Further evidence of the effects on the brain of drinking Coors at high altitude.

Michigan State football player SirDarean Adams has been charged with unarmed robbery.
I wonder if he will be stripped of his knighthood?

Tim McCarver, Game 1: "Once you get to third, the next stop is home."
Game 2: "I researched it and can confirm that Boston is very near sea level."
What's next? Once you get to the beach, the next stop is the ocean?

The L.A. Sparks won the WNBA Draft lottery Tuesday in New York.
I didn't even know the WNBA had a draft lottery.
Does the winning envelope have a picture of Ed McMahon on it?

The Vancouver Canucks managed to go 30 minutes without a shot Sunday.
Sounds like Britney Spears' latest rehab attempt.

New England (7-0) 49 Miami (0-7) 28.
Not only will the '72 Dolphins keep that champagne on ice another week,
they should be made to run laps around a winery.

Pity Josh Beckett in Cleveland tonight.
Most guys would rather be swarmed by insects than listen to their ex-girlfriend sing.

MSNBC reports that 23% of the polar ice cap has disappeared during the past two years.
Has Charlie Weis developed a taste for Sno-Cones?

Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio wants to make the Spartans-Buckeyes annual tilt a trophy game. Suggested sponsor: Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Scientists have discovered Gliese 581C, a twin Earth with very similar conditions just 20 light years away. Gary Bettman immediately announced plans to schedule next season's NHL opener there.

Rumblings about a possible NFL franchise to Toronto have started again.
No doubt there'll be a contest to find a team nickname. Let me suggest the Toronto Roughriders.

Alex Rodriguez's agent Scott Boras wrote a note to all the Major League
Baseball teams saying his client will speak on the field, but added a P.S.:
"Getcha Checkbook Ready."

The next person who publicly calls Tiger Woods cheap will be hearing from his lawyer, LegalZoom.com.

Jacobs Field hadn't seen that many flies since Scott Elarton was in the rotation.

One expert said there was likely a mating swarm taking place inside the ballpark.
Despite this, A-Rod still managed to strike out three times.

Travis Henry is protesting his failed drug test
(marijuana) suspension from the NFL, saying his
experts should have been present for the test.
If you have your own drug test experts, you
may have a problem.

$11.6 million in damages awarded to former New York Knicks executive Anucha Browne Sanders.
Tough hit for Knicks brass: they had earmarked that money for a one-dimensional, overrated, washed up free agent signing.

55-12, 58-3, 40-0, 72-18...
Rugby World Cup scores or Notre Dame's next four weeks?

Barry Bonds won't be back with the Giants next year.
This will be like the Dotcom crash for Bay Area custom hat makers.

SEGA Delays Launch of Online Virtual City-State

TOKYO, Japan - Sega said Friday it was delaying the launch of an online virtual city-state for Dreamcast where users will be able to socialize, shop and even go to the movies with a member of the opposite sex.
Sega had planned to launch Fourth Place this year but Dreamcast owners will now have to wait until early 2008, the head of Sega Corporation, Kazooie Suzuki, revealed at the Tokyo Game Show.
The delay is another setback to Sega, whose Dreamcast faces fierce competition from Sony's PlayStation 3, Microsoft's XBox 360, Nintendo's Wii, cel phones, Viewmaster and kaleidoscopes.
The free service is envisioned as a cross between MySpace and Second Life, and will allow users to set up an apartment for life-like virtual characters, or avatars, which can invite friends over, share pictures and videos, and reminisce about the Saturn.
"We came up with the name Fourth Place after home, work and Starbucks," explained Suzuki. "This will be the special Fourth Place where people will spend their free time, and money."
Although the popularity of Dreamcast has waned in recent years, it continues to appeal to a core fanbase with titles targeting niche gamers, such as the upcoming CFL2K8.

The 82-year old boxing ring at Madison Square Garden was officially retired and donated to the International Boxing Hall of Fame.
In other Garden news, the Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Museum is being sent footage of Eddy Curry playing shutdown defense.

Excerpt from an actual resume cover letter received by a rocket scientist friend of mine:

"This summer, Barry Bonds thrilled the nation with his pursuit of the home run record. I hope to bring the same kind of focus and determination to NASA."

It's finally been revealed what memorabilia O.J. was trying to recover:
a glove, a knife, and a pair of Bruno Maglio shoes.

JaMarcus Russell finally signing with the Raiders means Josh McCown's job status is about to get more precarious than Larry Craig's.

Michigan's plunge from #5 to unranked is the biggest
one-poll drop since Britney Spears in Maxim's Hot 100.

Four football coaches at a South Carolina high school were
suspended for the season after they were caught drinking
on the field.
Watch for their saga on the upcoming TV series Friday
Night Coors Lights.

Friday's Tigers-Yankees game ended at 3:30 Saturday morning.
To give you an idea how late it was: Pacman Jones had already called it a night.

A 12-year-old B.C. boy is fine and resting in hospital after being attacked by a cougar while on summer vacation. A conservation officer said the cougar may have mistaken the boy for a mountain sheep. Lesson: never go camping in your St. Louis Rams gear.

Pee-wee Herman is now the 30th-ranked clean cyclist in the world.
At this rate, by next July he may be wearing a yellow suit.

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is reportedly "intrigued" by super agent Scott Boras's idea to make the World Series a best-of-9 affair, with the opening two games taking place at a neutral warm weather site. Let's hope Gary Bettman doesn't hear about this or the Stanley Cup Finals will be a best-of-11 opening in American Samoa.

The swarming seagull population at Comerica Park has gotten so bad - causing several delays Sunday - some have suggested bringing in a falcon.

Excellent idea - to lower the numbers, maybe Mike Vick could attach razors to the seagulls' feet and organize fights.

The NBA has opened a new office in London.
Britain should do well with the home-court advantage in 2012.
Unless, of course, the English cut down all the nets after they discover flossing.

Cubs fans celebrated their home opener the way they
traditionally do: lounging in bleachers, tailgating, and
visiting pitchers in hospitals.

Wheaties will issue a special edition box honoring
the 2007 NCAA champion Florida Gators.
Ohio State will get a cereal box, too, but there's
no prize at the bottom.

The LPGA Tour released a long list of substances it will ban when
it begins testing next year.
The only thing it will continue to have trouble detecting is TV ratings.

Kobe Bryant had behind-the-scenes negotiations with the NBA after his late-game "hit"
on the Spurs' Manu Ginobili. Instead of a one-game suspension, Kobe asked if he could just buy
Manu some jewelry.