MICHELIN DOWNGRADING O'NEAL, NASH FROM SUPERSTAR TO STAR

Phoenix, AZ - Michelin Guides announced today that after careful deliberation they are taking the "super" status away from Phoenix Suns Shaquille O'Neal and Steve Nash's star designation.

"It pains us to do this because they have spent the past decade amongst the elite players of the league," said spokesman Thierry Laroche, "But their quality of play has declined to the point where we had no choice. Perhaps a new chef can make a difference next year. Plus, je t'aime Tony Parker."

Other athletes in danger of losing their coveted Michelin superstar include David Beckham, Ken Griffey, Jr. and Jaromir Jagr.

Brazilian footballer Ronaldo brought home two prostitutes - only to discover they were actually men in drag.
Just like soccer: a night without any scoring.

Reports say Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with country singer Mindy McCready.
Let's hope Brian McNamee hasn't kept any physical evidence.
The way that guy operates he may be raising their test-tube baby in his apartment.

New York Rangers LW Sean Avery plans to spend his summer interning at Vogue magazine.
Vogue was his second choice after there were no openings at National Review.

MARDY COLLINS WINS NBA TWELFTH MAN AWARD

New York - New York Knicks guard Mardy Collins won the NBA's inaugural Twelfth Man Award Monday, narrowly edging out the Pistons Walter Herrmann and the Lakers Chris Mihm in media voting.

He is the first Knick to nab an individual award since the 2004-5 season when Maurice Taylor won Least Improved Player.

The Jason Spezza for Roberto Luongo trade rumor is ludicrous.
Why should the West subsidize Ottawa to make up for their poor managerial decisions?

A NASA astronaut will throw out the ceremonial first pitch from the International Space Station before Wednesday's Yankees-Red Sox game.

Fitting, in that the Space Station surpassed the Yankees as the most expensive thing ever built by mankind.

Jorge Posada, wear a cup: objects in Low Earth Orbit clock 17,000 mph on the radar gun.

Yankees beware: a NASA engineer from MIT claims to have built a Red Sox pennant into one of the solar panels.

After five hours of drilling on the weekend, the Yankees found a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey buried in concrete in their new ballpark by a construction worker hoping to place a curse on them.

Similar excavations continue in Comerica Park as the Tigers search for their preseason playoff hopes.

What kind of background checks are the Yanks doing on their construction company that they are allowing them to employ people engaged in witchcraft?

What else did he bury there under a full moon: eye of newt? toe of frog? tar of bat?

OLYMPIC TORCH RELAY RUNNERS NOT GETTING ANY EXERCISE

San Francisco, CA - Olympic torch relay runners in San Francisco today complained that they are not even breaking a sweat.

Between stopping when blocked by protesters, riding in military ATVs and hanging out in secret security warehouses, many runners said they were unable to get their workout in properly.

"This is so lame," said torch-carrier Anthony Kurpurkis of Berkeley, CA. "Now I'm going to have to go to a spin class after dinner."

BILLY PACKER, DICK VITALE TO ADOPT DIAPER DANDY

Durham, N.C. - Sportscasters Billy Packer and Dick Vitale have announced that they will legally adopt freshman Duke basketball player Kyle Singler.

"He's a great kid, full of hustle and desire, and his motor never stops running - which will help with chores around the house and yard," said Packer.

Singler will continue to spend most of the year on Duke's Durham, N.C. campus, while summering at Packer and Vitale's lakeside cottage in Vermont.

Asked if this is just the beginning of putting together a larger family, Vitale replied: "No - we are one and done."

Is that the Olympics torch relay or The Running of the Bulls?

The judge in ex-Bengal WR Chris Henry's latest arrest has ordered electronic monitoring upon his release.
The Patriots have volunteered to help out on this.

Formula One boss Max Mosely, caught on tape with five prostitutes, now claims he was just auditioning a pit crew.